My Thanksgiving Post

Recap!

clearly just about every blogger has their standard thanksgiving post… so I suppose this is mine!

Being home has felt absolutely amazing. I”ve seriously enjoyed every second spent resting, relaxing, sleeping in my bed, having a reallll kitchen, seein some old familiar faces, and of course..shopping!

Thanksgiving Day started out with this delicious bowl of messiness.

& then my cousins came over to begin the cooking craziness!! I managed to squeeze in a pretty delectable lunch featuring an amy’s meatless burger and munster cheese, kashi crackers, & a honeycrisp!

This was my first year experiencing the chaoticness of thanksgiving cooking..the whole turkey thing FREAKED me outt

and apparently my mom too? hahahah love her.

We set a beautiful Thanksgiving table

My Mom always makes muffins for the thanksgiving table & this eyar was no different. They were cranberry pumpkin- AMAZING.

Another tradition in my family is oranges with cranberry turkeys on them! … not sure why, but I love it!

I managed to sneak a pic of my plate– i tried a bit of everything and yes, I was stressed and yes, I felt that everyone was watching me to make sure I was eating..but I survived. & the food was GOOD!

so that’s my platee and on it you’ll find some turkey, mashed taters, vegetarian stuffing (my sister is a vegetarian), sweet potato casserole (omg amazing), & cranberries. I went back for seconds on the sweet potato casserole. I also had a sliver of pumpkin pie that went unpictured. It was a delicious meal and though I definitely overindulged, I was able to have some sort of comfort with it and tried my hardest to enjoy myself.

The next day I slept in until about 12 and woke up to a biggg bowl of oat bran & was sad to not get a pick .

Then, despite my avid denial to enter into Black Friday madness, I was convinced by mi madre.. & it was fun! While out, I snacked on this bar, Kashi Go Lean Cruncy chocolate pretzel- I was pretty impressed with it. I thought it had a great taste & it was filling.

I thnk my best buy was this adorable pair of booties!

I then went to dinner with my parents at a mediterranean restaurant and wasn’t able to get pictures but I had a delicious cup of butternut squash & a greek salad with salmon.

My friend had a party last night & it was great to catch up with old friends

I slept in until about 12:30 today & so missed breakfastt.

lunch was turkey on whole wheat with muenster cheese, reduced fat cheezits, a honeycrisp apple, some carrots dipped in hummus, and a glass of chocolate milk !

For a snack, I ate a spooky s’mores bar that I found & I loved it! Dinner was with Gar & his family at a country club & it was amazing, I had butternut squash soup, seared scallops, brussel sprouts & some dark chocolate gelato split with gardner. I didn’t take pictures though… it would have been awkward! haha

Then tonight I had some of my girl friends form high school over & it was great to catch up, reminisce, gossip, & all the other thing’s girls do.

Tomorrow morning I head home & luckily I am flying with Gardner this time ! We have a 3 hour layover in Milwaukee but i think it’ll be fine because we’ll just get lunch, do some school work, etc.

This break has taught me a few things & I just thought i’d share some of the things I learned since i’ve been home

1. I have people here who care about me, love me, & want the best for me. I was told by so many people from my past that they think that I would be happier, healthier, and more beautiful at a higher weight. Honesty went a long way for me mentally this week.

2. I like food… a lot. I like to eat, so why was i being so restrictive? Enjoying a good meal without restriction is normal & healthy. I hope one day I can do that without feeling a hint of guilt.

3. New beginnings are exciting, but your roots are important. I love school and I feel like i’ve been so wrapped up in my new friends, sorority, experiences, etc. that I took home for granted. Though I LOVE the new people in my life, the old are so important. They have helped me become who I am today & they get me in a way that my new friends can’t really. I should appreciate these people more & I am going to make more of an effort to keep in touch with my roots.

So, Here I am… I have gained weight, I am on the right track, & now i go back to school and have to keep on this track. I am really only a couple pounds underweight now. Part of me is happy, the other part of me is extremely scared. Gardner and I decided to call my eating disorder “GERTRUDE” haha because I was sick of talking about the eating disorder. Well, Gertrude is such a part of me that part of me is scared to lose “her”.. does anyone know what I mean? Even though I know Gertrude is terrible & ruining my life, I don’t quite remember life without “her.”

Sorry that this post was a bit of a ramble… I hope you were able to follow.

I’ll leave you with a few questions

1. Did you learn anything from your Thanksgiving Break? If so, what?

2. What is your favorite part about being home?

3. Random–> What is the craziest thing you’ve done lately?

Wishing you all a relaxing Sunday!

xoxoxoxoox

Shelley♥

There’s No Place Like Home

happy turkey day!! one of my favorite holidays for sure.

so the traveling went fine… I survived my flights without having any major freak outs One of the parts of flying alone I like is the mystery of who I am going to sit next to. I LOVE making small talk with people on a plane… kinda weird, I know. I had an interesting conversation with a woman on my flight to Detroit. Do any of you enjoy small talk with strangers?

When I landed in Detroit it was time for some dinner so I made due with Wendy’s and ordered the mandarin chicken salad, used 1 packet of almonds and about half the dressing. I also was excited to find some soy crisps!!

I had never had the tangy salt n’ vinegar flavor but I really liked it. I was surprised, because I despise salt n’ vinegar chips.

It was sooo nice to finally be home and sleep in my own bed! & not to mention, have a KITCHEN to work with!

For a night time snack I had a large glass of chocolate soy milk, some almonds, & a sliced up pear.. it was the perfect snack

This morning for breakfast, I finally got my oatmeal fix!!

in this mix: 1/2 cup oats, 1 cup water, a banana, cinnamon raisin swirl, white chocolate wonderful, & some reduced sugar strawberry jelly. SOO good. I forgot how filling & delicious oatmeal is for breakfast. pb & j oats

I had a super busy day, starting witha  facial and pedicure hey, a girl can get pampered every now & then… it was fantasticc! & then I had two appointments (therapist/physician) which I will talk about later… so I was really busy! My mom & I ate lunch at Panera and I had the bbq chopped chicken salad with a whole grain baguette..it was delicious.

Dinner was sushi with my best guy friend from high school!

mine is everything except the 2 pieces of sashimi. It was all made with brown rice & one is a tuna roll & the other is california roll topped with salmon/avocado. I also had egg drop soup. & of course tonight I drank my ensure plus.

so as I mentioned, today was packed with doctor’s appointments. It was great to see my therapist from home. She is so understanding and really makes me feel like I am on the right track. She encouraged me and said that she thinks I can do this. The physician did some blood work and made sure I haven’t damaged my body with this, and fortunately everything was looking ok. Also, my weight is a bit up which is great. I really feel like I can do this. The physician told me that I shouldn’t exercise at all and this is really hard for me to swallow. I know that I shouldn’t, but exercising is such a part of my life- I feel happy, successful, & strong after a good run and I hate that I have to give that up for this period of my life.

But my dad gave me great advice.. he said “Shell, you have your whole life to be fit. Right now, get healthy… then you can work on your fitness.” & those words really resonated with me because I know he is right. It is just hard to let go.

But…I didn’t realize I had body image issues until recently but my problem is, I don’t see how skinny I look. It isn’t that I think i’m fat, but when I look at other girls, I don’t see that I am thinner and I just don’t see myself the way others see me. Today was mentally very challenging because I am struggling with doubting myself and believing that I have the ability to overcome this. I just hate how this has consumed me and I really hope I can achieve health.

Speaking of my Dad earlier, I wanted to dedicate this post to him (not that he reads this) and in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’ve noticed lots of bloggers listing all hte things they are thankful for. I have so many things, but I am going to start right now & say I am extraordinarily thankful for my Dad.

My Dad is one of my greatest role models. He always has been. He lives a very balanced & successful life. He works hard in his career & he loves it, he has a very regular exercise schedule, he eats healthily but doesn’t obsess & is soo balanced, and he just seems happy. I strive to be like my Dad.

Hopefully I’ll write a post with more things i’m thankful for.

I hope you all have great holidays!! Hopefully I’ll be able to snap some shots of my thanksgiving dinner

xoxoxooxox

Shelley♥

Homeward Bound

I’m leavin’ on a jet planee homeward bound! can’t believe it

I am so excited now that it is actually happening. I’m the kind of person who is very adaptable to my environment, meaning I make home wherever I am..if you get what i’m saying? So I wasn’t that excited to go home because I felt like I was comfortable at school. But i know I am going to have a great time at home and can’t wait to see my family & friends.

As for the eats, I’ve been trying my best to stay on track! Enjoying my breakfast of yogurt messes (just so you know, i’m planning on switching it up after break.. any ideas are appreciated)

Lunch on Monday was delicious! I had one of my vegan portobello mushroom burgers with spinach, pesto hummus, and american cheese all on an earthgrain sandwich thin!

I also had some zesty bbq soy chips, pretzels & a sliced up apple

For a snack, I tried the chocolate brownie clif bar

this bar was awesome! I am starting to love clif bars even though I used to avoid them because of their high calories.

Dinner was fish, a baked potato, and a delicious salad with a wheat berry medley mix on top.

Today I had my marriage & famiy exam and it went pretty well! I felt prepared and I hope I did welll. After the exam I had a delicious lunch of a turkey wrap with green peppers, black olives, and pepper jack cheese along with an apple & some pretzels too!

this wrap was HUGE but it was really really good! loved it..

I’m currently in the airport, pretty bored & waiting to board the plnae. I have a confession: I am terribly afraid of flying!! Flying is by far my biggest fear & I don’t know why because I fly allll the time. I know it is safe & a totally irrational fear but I can’t help it! What is your biggest fear?

Well, the next post will be from home! Hope you all have peaceful, relaxing, delicious, & reflective Thanksgivings!!

I love Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

xoxoxoxoxox

Shelley♥

Irrational Fear of Minnie Mouse

I bet that title got your attention? haha well, to answer any concerns you may or may not have had…

No, I do not have an irrational fear of minnie mouse, however, apparently one of the top searches for my blog is “irrational fear of minnie mouse.” I laughed pretty hard when I read that…

how could anyone be scared of that?

Anyways, since the last time we talked, I continued to enjoy my weekend ED free (for the most part). I indulged for the second weekend in a row & looking back on it, I am happy I did! There were definitely moments where I felt guilty, but for the most part I have been able to deter those thoughts —> huge accomplishment

Friday night was noodles & company dinner with my best friennndd I got the trio with pad thai, shrimp & a side salad! It was sooo good. I’d recommend the pad thai or bangkok curry @ noodles & company.. my favs!

after noodles, I went and studied for a bit & then went back to my dorm to pre-game w/ the floor. & the boy came as well we had a fun night for sure.. i loveee gar he’s so great to mee i just feel so lucky!

Saturday was spent studying for my midterm Tuesday and the eats were boring & went unphotographed (sorry!!) but saturday night i went out with the girls in my sororityy & it was really fun!

I got a lil’ goofy..

enough said! the picture says it all.

Today I woke up to a yogurt deliicccouss mess! I forgot my camera but I put this really delicious kashi wild blueberry cluster cereal in it & loooved every bite.

Then I went to my favorite study place with the boy and pretty much studied all day! I took a break to go to lunch with my friend, Leah! We got Cosi (one of my favorrite places) & I tried something NEW! I got the fire roasted veggie sandwich and it was honestly amazing.. I think its going to be my new regular!

this was consumed along with cosi kettle chips! amazing.

Then, around 5:30 I had a snack before going to humo practice. I had the white chocolate macadamia clif bar for the first time & after hearing great things from many fellow bloggers, I am happy to say I was NOT disappointed…this bar is absolutely fabulous!

Dinner was Chipotle! I feel like i’ve been eating out so much but I picked some up for me & the boyy!

My bowl had rice, chicken, tomatoes, cheese, lettuce, & guacamole! I never used to get the rice but I know it is so important to add calories to my meals so I got rice & lOVED every bite.

This week, I have a midterm Tuesday & then i’m heading back home Tuesday afternoon! I can’t believe it has been 3 months since i’ve been home. It is going to be soo weird but probably feel really great at the same time.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love the idea of having a holiday to just be thankful for food, family, etc. I think my favorite part of thanksgiving is just being with family and enjoying each other’s company… not to mention the DELICIOUS foods.

What is your favorite part of thanksgiving?

Do you have any amazing thanksgiving recipes? If so, please share! I’m helping cook & i’m supposed to find some recipes. It can be dessert, appetizers, or main course!

hope you all have great weeks & an amazing Monday! I absolutely love all of you & everything I have already gotten from blogging… it really is amazing!

PS- for all of you who are wondering, my weight is back to where it was when I first came to school so that is a really great thing! But the problem is, I find myself thinking in the back of my head that it is ok to stop here because it is where I was but realistically I am still underweight. How do you keep yourselves motivated to stay on the right track?

xoxooxoxoxoxo

Shelley♥

Wasted Away in Margaritaville :)

WEEKEND!

Thank you all so much for your honesty. So many of you told me so many things that I know I needed to hear. It is so important that us girls are able to tell each other those things & keep each other on the right track!

Things have been going up (weight & my attitude). I am feeling like I am in control & I know I am able to do this. I know i’ve said this before, but I will not let myself fail at this. ED is not worth it… there is truly so much more to life than worrying about your weight and appearance.

Friday’s lunch was eaten @ the boy’s and was a turkey sandwich with melted mozzarella, some goldfish/preztels, a sliced up apple, & chocolate milk!

for a snack I tried a suncake! & I topped it with pumpkin butter & dark chocolate dreams after microwaving..it was DELICIOUS!

I would highly recommend these to anyone! I only ate about half because there are 2 servings per cake, but it was soo filling & amazing.

Last night, my sorority had a philanthropy called “Mr. AXO” which is like a beauty pageant for guys & it was HILARIOUS..here are some pics to show you the kind of shit that went on

it was such a good time! Then afterwards, I went to this mexican restaurant called Frida’s withs ome girls in my sorority & it was so much fun!! We ordered 3 huge pitchers of Margarita’s

and I ordered the cobb salad and ate it WITH ranch dressing- yep! I was so proud Reppin’ my girl Lo with the margaritas

It was surprisingly good & I ate the whole thing along with wayyy too many chips. And you know what, I did not feel guilty at all. I felt happy! I looked at the situation as “This is a good thing because I had fun & it probably helped my weight gain!”

While at Frida’s, we got hit on by a group of middle aged Canadian men… creeeepy! but they did buy us some kamakazi shots so can’t complain. note: creepy men in the background

such a fun night!

Then i went over to the boy’s apartment and hung out with some of his friends before PASSING OUTT.

This morning I slept in until like 11:30 & then got SUSHI with three girls on my floor!

I started with miso soup & then had a shrimp avocado roll & white fish/cucumber roll

It was soo good! I love sushi.

Then I had starbucks gift cards so I treated my friends to some starbucks! I ordered the PUMPKIN SPICE NONFAT LATTE for the first time & omg it was AMAAAZING! I was so proud that I treated myself despite indulging the night before. I am trying to embrace the weight gain as a chance to treat myself

do you guys ever feel better after doing something nice for someone else?

The girls were so appreciate for the starbucks & it felt good to treat some good friends to something like that! I know it isn’t a huge thing at all but I just really enjoy doing little good deeds for people .. especially people who do so much for me!

Tonight i’m going to dinner at noodles & co with my friend from the sorority & then i am going out with people on my floor! can’t wait.. should be good timess & so hopefully the next post will be interesting

what are your weekend plans??

What is your favorite way to spend a Saturday afternoon?

Enjoy your weekends & Do something for yourself you deserve it!

xoxoxooxoxox

Shelley♥

Element Bars & Bumps in the Road

hi lovess,

so i spent some time thinking about what I wanted this post to be about. I was having some struggles because I want my blog to be a positive, happy place but at the same time i am going through a lot right now and it is great to have this as a place to vent.

I decided both are equally important & possible! so for the first half of this post i’m going to be positive & show you some exciting eats & for the second part i’m going to be more honest and i guess negative?

Wednesday started out with a workout which consisted of 20 minutes of running & some lunges, squats & abs. It was quick but felt good.

To replenish I had myself a big ole’ yogurt mess featuring this baby

I had never tried this flavor, only vanilla. I actually liked it a lot! The fruit flavoring was subtle, but good. I thought this yogurt would be really good if you froze it and ate it like froyo!

my yogurt mess had some strawberries, a banana, cascadian’s cinnamon crunch (new fav), peanut butter (cinnamon raisin swirl), & cinnamon to top it off!

After breakfast, I was off to my retail class (is it just me or are the weeks FLYING by?? I feel like it was just Wednesday when I was posting last!) anyways that was fine, and after I got subway with my friend in the class! We got it to go

I got turkey on wheat with pepper jack & pretty much all the veggies! I ate it with a sliced up apple & some pretzels (unpictured).

After subway, I brought my boyy a foot long chicken breast sub & we took a nap! Then i went back to my dorm & hung out with some people before my 4:30 class.

& On the way back to my dorm from gar’s, I checked my mail & was SUPER excited because I had a package… I had ordered element bars, a great website where you create your own bar, & they finally came!!!!

yep, happiness & health bars… sooo cuteee!! i got the peanut butter crispy core base & added chocolate chips, pumpkin spice, some soy protein, &  almonds.

this bar was honestly DELICIOUS. I had it for a snack.

it honestly tasted like a cookie! I loved it I would HIGHLY recommend this website to anyone! It is so much fun designing your own bar.. especially for food bloggers like us hah & the cost is $36 for 12 bars.. not terribly bad, but not cheap either. It was a little gift to myself

I had to go to my sorority house from like 6:15-10, so i couldn’t eat dinner til 10! I’m involved in this thing called humorology which is like a musical that sororities/fraternities put on as a fundraiser so it takes up a lot of my time! Luckily, the boy got me panera to cheer me up (more later) & I ate a lotttt

I had a whole bbq chicken salad & half a tuna sandwich. I got tuna because it is out of my comfort zone and i am working hard to incorporate foods that I have avoided over the past 8 months or so

later, instead of my ensure plus I drank this babyyy

omg soo good!! seriously, if you are a pumpkin lover like me, you will LOOVE this. it tastes like pumpkin pie in a shake. & I also ate a small handful of dark chocolate tj espresso beans.. yumm

ok, so now onto the not so happy stuff…

As i’ve mentioned before, I have started seeing a nutritionist here at the university. I have seen her twice, and she has weighed me each time. I told you about the ‘weigh-in’ with my Mom and how it went well on Sunday. But when I went to the nutritionist on Tuesday, I had lost weight again. In fact, I was a little less than a pound down from where I was last week when she weighed me :’(

I instantly panicked because I knew she would freak out & think I should be pulled out of school but honestly, I was really surprised I had lost! I mean, I know i kind of slacked on the eating the past couple days, but I didn’t think it’d cause me to lose like that.. it’s crazy how weight can change.

Anyways, I signed forms saying that the health services could contact my parents… & they did. They told my parents they would recommend pulling me out of school. My mom said she is going to give me some more time to prove that I am willing to change, but that if I don’t it will be the only option.

This is so hard for me, I do NOT want to leave school. I am happy here and I feel I am on the road to recovery. I also hate how the university health service people are treating this issue. They are making me feel like I am much worse than I believe I am. I eat very regularly and feel that even though I have some issues, I am not nearly as disordered as they are making me out to be. I’ve only met with them twice & I think it is crazy they are telling my parents that kind of suggestion already.

It really upset me hearing this from my Mom. i was feeling so positive about the track I was on but hearing that made me start to doubt myself. i found myself questioning my ability to actually gain weight & now i am just really nervous because I refuse to let myself have to go home next semester.. Part of me just feels that they are pushing me too hard. I just need to keep telling myself I can do this and I want to do this.

this is simply a bump in the road and I will get through it.

Thanks for listening to me vent. It really helps. do any of you have advice for staying on track?

and i’m curious, COMPLETELY random, what is your go-to breakfast? do you have any ideas for me that are easy for at school?

have thrilling thursdays!! (haha love alliteration)

xoxooxoxoxo

Shelley♥

Mostly the eats

Hi everyone !

Thank you for your positive, honest, helpful, encouraging, and sincere comments on my last post. I would smile with each and every one and it was even further reminder that I CAN do this and that I am so not in this alone.

I’m pretty pumped for this post because I’ve got some pics & more interesting eats!!

ThE EaTs:

hahah i feel like such a dork writing it like that- when I was in middle school, everyone typed like that. I just had the urge to do it.. yeah.. don’t know.

Monday started with a yogurt mess with my new, thrilling buys from whole foods/copps and included my new PUMPKIN BUTTER!

in this baby= fage 2%, a banana, a scoop of cinnamon raisin swirl, a scoop of pumpkin butter, & some marshmallow oaties, cinnamon crunch cascadian farms cereal, & graham bumpers = explosion of deliciousness in my mouuuth!

It was so good that after my am class & a fab work out with the boy, I made him a very simliar bowl because he said he needed to try fage a second time to decide if he liked it.. :\

he pretty much loved it & can’t stop talking about how good it was… i think i’ve officially converted him to the greek stuff!

Lunch was a turkey sammiee on this really good whole grain boy @ gar’s apartment with pepper jack cheese, and glenn’s soy crisps zesty bbq flavored & an apple- LOVE!

Dinner was at the sorority house. Monday nights we have chapter & dinner but usually i can’t go to dinner since i have class.. but i may or may not have skipped my first college class hehe i can’t say i’m too proud though.. i have a guilty conscious!

I was anxious about the dinner because I knew it probably wouldn’t be the healthiest but I pretty much forced myself to eat it because I know that is what normal eating is about. All the other girls are eating it, it is not that bad for me, I should just not worry & eat it.. so I did.

sorry for the pathetic picture, i tried to take one secretively haha but i pretty much failed. it was an asian themed dinner with a vegetarian option asian seasoned meatball thing? so i had one of those, an egg roll, some salad/veggies & a little bit of salmon… not bad!

I skipped my ensure drinks on Monday and i’m trying not to beat myself up about it but it kind of upsets me because I was on the right track and after my family visited i kind of fell of the wagon and went back to more restrictive ways. but you’ll see as my post continues that i’m getting back on the track I was on! I refuse to fail at this.

Tuesday started with a yogurt mess that went unpictured– i’m really boring, but i’m sorry they are goood! I had an ensure plus too after class.

Lunch was something slightly different- but SO delicious!!

I bought these recently & thought today was the perfect day to try them for lunch!

After microwaving for 2 minutes, I put a piece of cheese on it and then sandwiched it with an earth grain sandwich thin & some mushrooms, spinach, and tomatoes. I also ate it with some soy crisps, an apple, and milk!

It was seriously awesomee- i’m going to have to incorporate this into my eating more! & this pic just does not do it justice :-\ it was like a cheeseburger, except healthier!

For a snack I tried the iced gingerbread clif bar!

don’t get me wrong, this bar tasted really good & i thoroughly enjoyed it. But I was a tinnny bit disappointed in the lack of ginger flavor… i was expecting more! i’d buy it again though.. i’d probably give it an 8/10

for dinner I picked something up on the way to the sorority house… I tried Milio’s which is a sandiwch place i’ve been wanting to try!

I got a turkey wrap on a lo-carb wrap with provolone, tomato, lettuce, & alfalfa sprouts! It was so amazing, I loved it! I will definitely be going there again

I also had me some baked lays & a pickle!

Tonight I drank a walgreen’s offbrand drink like ensure that was strawberry flavored & kind of sucked.. i need more ensure pluses! :-\ and I had it with a handful of trail mix (unpictured) which was really good

ok, so the lovely jessica tagged me to do this survey here we gooo..

1. favorite variety of apple? Honeycrisps or pink ladies for sure- i’m a sucker for anything sweet

2. apples dipped in..? Dark chocolate dreams for a dessert or HONEY!

3. favorite way to enjoy pumpkin? probably pumpkin pie..love it! Or in my yogurt messes with pumpkin butter

4. favorite soup? with crackers or bread? I love sizzling rice soup from chinese restaurants- always have! & no to the crackers/bread

5. do you eat orange foods all year round? Yes! I don’t discriminate

6. most used spice in your autumn cooking: cinnamon- 100%..not that i cook…

7. you are baking some homemade bread, what flavor combination of bread would you like to make? hahahah sorry, me baking makes me laugh, but I would love pumpkin banana chocolate chip- yummmmm

8. favorite autumn vegetables and ways to eat it? roasted squash! delicious..haven’t had it yet

9. hot chocolate, hot cider, coffee or tea? all of the above? but according to my habits, i’m a coffee girl

10. favorite seasonal dessert? pumpkin pie, pumpkin ice cream, gingerbread cookies!! (i know its a little early)

11. lets make a fall stew! pick any 6 ingredients to create your one: bahh this is hard but i’ll have to go with squash, sweet potatoes, lentils, zucchini, and maybee a hint of pumpkin?

12. pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, walnuts or almonds to snack on? I love almonds for a snack

13. popcorn flavor/seasoning? Kettle corn is my shit

14. bowl of hot cereal you have been wanting to try: this is a tough one– but i actually haven’t tried pumpkin oats =-o and I really want to!

15. post a link to a recipe that you recently bookmarked: Jessica’s banana cupcakes with chocolate and peanut butter frosting

that was fun It makes me want to actually cook… I told my mom i’d help with thanksgiving dinner? does that count?

thought i’d show you guys this awesome view- yeah this is what I was looking at today while studying. I thought it was beautiful for some reason!

I think it is so important to sit back and realize how lucky we all truly are. Sometimes I feel that with all my struggles, I get so caught up in my life & my little bubble and I forget about the huge, beautiful world out there & everything else going on. It’s moments like those when I realize how lucky I am just to be alive and to have people in my life who I love & who love me. Because that is really what life is about.. feeling like you have a purpose and I honestly feel that I do all the things I do not only for myself, but for those people who love me unconditionally & who I also love unconditionally. & I think those people know who they are

I hope you all have great Wednesday’s!

xoxxoox

Shelley♥

My Story

so I thought it was time that I went into a little more detail about my story because I think it will really help everyone understand why I blog/what I am going through. I also want to show people how easy it is to fall into this terrible cycle of disordered eating & how someone who seems so normal, balanced, & healthy can just take a huge turn for the worse.

This isn’t going to be my happiest post, but it is going to be an honest one & I hope it is one that you can all enjoy! Then next time I promise for a very upbeat, non-disordered eating post yayyy!

so it all started when my boyfriend who you have all heard of by now went to college last year. I had some major changes my senior year of high school in addition to his going away (i will not go into those changes becuase they are a litttle too personal) so that was hard as it is.

Around winter break, I was pretty bored and decided I would dedicate my time to just lose like 5 pounds. I decided I would give numbers, but if anyone who is reading this does not want to know & if it will trigger anything PLEASE skip this. I weighed around 130-133 and am 5′5 so by now means was i overweight, but I knew i would look great if i lost a few pounds.

here I am before I had really lost any weight

in about january/february of 2009, I started to eat healthier. I would pack lunches for school & my breakfast every day was a cup of kashi creal (usually honey sunshine), half cup of light soy milk, with half a banana, & some blueberries. lunch would be a turkey sandwich w/ light cheese & light whole grain bread, carrots, & grapes. i would usually have a fiber one bar as a snack between breakfast/lunch & then dinner was kind of up for grabs. I would also usually have an afternoon snack of apple & almonds and I worked out most days.

here is another picture of me right when I started to “diet”- still wasn’t seeing any results. this is because of my “up for grab dinners” & I wasn’t at the point in my workout routine where I was running a ton.

as I continued to diet, exercise more, and learn more about what it took to lose weight- I started to slowly see results. I started reading food blogs a LOT & i got ideas about how to eat healthier food. I would constantly look up websites about dieting, eating healthier, losing weight, etc.

I started buying things like greek yogurt & la tortilla wraps & light food and i started to restrict much more. At the same time, my running shape was vastly improving & soon running 3 miles was easy for me.

in about april, I started to notice some results. Here is a picture where i first noticed I had lost around 10 pounds.

no one would ever have thought there was something wrong with me, but I was definitely restricting at this point. This is where I look back and think I looked the healthiest. I still had a figure but at the same time, I was a healthy & ideal weight probably for my height.

Then, somewhere things just got out of control. I think the obsession just started to take over me & soon I was limiting my food even more, never indulging, and running more (not a crazy amount, but usually around 4.5 miles 5-6 times a week). Food was always on my mind. I needed to know what I was going to eat at my next meal and I had anxiety when I would have to go out to eat or be in a situation where I didn’t know the exact calories.

In June, people started getting concerned, but still were not TOO concerned because I was still in a healthy weight range. I don’t know exactly how many calories I was eating but including calories burned from exercise, I was probably only getting around 1000-1200 a day.

people started making comments about the weight loss & it was no longer a subtle thing.

Throughout the summer, I kept saying that I was done losing weight. But, with each week, my weight seemed to continue to go down. I became obsessed with maintaining my weight which resulted in even more weight loss. People were starting to get concerned and my friends kept telling me I needed to stop losing.

By August, my parents were truly worried. I weighed 107, which for me was the lowest i’d ever been & so they took me to the doctor who said I needed to gain weight after doing blood work, etc.

But then I went to college. Surrounded by girls who were trying to lose weight, I found that I only continued to limit what I ate. While i was supposed to be gaining, I only continued to lose.

here i probably weighed around 102. my arms and legs look weak, I just did not look myself anymore. Though I was happy, I didn’t realize that I was only harming my body, myself, my family, and Gardner by not taking proper care of myself and giving my body the nutrients it needs.

My mom became increasingly concerned & when she came to visit me, she weighed me and I was down to 103. She said I MUST gain weight & said that if I do not start gaining, she will have no choice but to pull me out of school second semester.

Thankfully, my weight is slowly starting to go up. I am still struggling with the concept of gaining weight, and part of me is so scared of what I will look like if I gain weight. But the other part of me knows that I need it and that if I am in the healthy weight range, even at the lower end, I will look great!

The last time my mom was here (last weekend) she weighed me and I was up to 106. She was so happy & I know I am on the right track.

Thank you so much for reading my story & helping me get through this by simply supporting me, reading my blog, & commenting. I can’t tell you how much it helps on days where I am anxious about gaining to read the extremely positive/encouraging comments you all have left me. It means the world to me to get such great support from strangers.

I’m sorry if the numbers (w/ regards to my weight) offended anyone/upset anyone. I just think it is an important part of my story & for me it helps to explain the situation.

Love you all & again I really appreciate the support! I love how this blogging community makes me feel like i’m not going through this alone

xoxoox

Shelley♥

Parent’s Weekend

I feel so incredibly out of it! I haven’t posted since Wednesday & soo sooo much has happened since then! i’ve missed you beautiful blogetteees

This past weekend was parent’s weekend, which as you can imagine was pretty crazy. I can’t even lie- I can hear my body saying “Shelley, I hate you” haha because lots of not so great things were consumed/drank/etc. but I had fun so it’s all good right?

Well… to catch you up on some eats…

Thursday I was studying for psych hardcore & so my eats were pretty standard

lunch was typical (i am SUCH a creature of habit!)

for dinner gardner took me to sunroom cafe! my favoriteee… & i tried something new. I ordered the shrimp/vegetable stir fry with the peanut sauce on the side! & it came with a salad which i had with fat free honey dijon dressing..it was soo good!

Thursday night was pretty much a shit show… went to a girl in my sororities birthday party at Uno’s & it was a lot of fun!!

Friday was relaxing because I have no classes the family was getting in later that night but I first had lunch with the boy in the cafeteria

it was a salad with hard boiled egg & tofu & veggies, and a REALLY good soup that was like ginger chicken lemongrass soup? idk but loved it!

then me n gar went grocery shopping & just LOOK at my bar drawer now!

i can’t wait to try these & let you know what i think! I even found a seasonal clif bar

& some other goood buys…

I am so excited to try pumpkin butter! i’ve never had it

then the family took us out for a really nice dinner at Fleming’s where I had a petite filet mignon, grilled asparagus (looove asparagus), & a huuge baked potato (and lots & lots & lots of wine….) dinner was so good & HILARIOUS. we were all a bit tipsy… haha. it was a nice restaurant

& apparently it was my mom’s ‘birthday’… yes, i had a bite!

then things got so busy & my food pix suffered immensely but I did have some fabulous sushi last night for the first time but sadly I didn’t get a picture & a great lunch yesterday at sunroom cafe!

so my mom & i have a weight goal for me by thanksgiving. Last time she was here, she weighed me and she weighed me again this time. I was really nervous about it, but I had gained roughly 3 pounds since the last time she weighed me. I was so relieved! & she was really happy. I feel like i am on the right track to recovery. Honestly, the weight I am at now is still low but part of me is starting to feel a little panicked because I feel that I ate so much this weekend & it is kind of stressing me out

Rationally though, I know it is ok & NECESSARY to indulge and i should let myself enjoy it! So i ate a little more this weekend with my family then I normally would, WHO CARES? it tasted good & i enjoyed it.

do you ever feel guilty after an indulgence?

now the lovely lexi tagged me to tell a ‘truth’. & this will be my truth: I love my family & I was so excited to see them, but I have to admit that part of me was terrified for them to come visit me for parent’s weekend. I knew I would be eating a lot more & probably have to go to restaurants where I can’t follow my exact ‘plan’ and that kind of stressed me out. But i’m really proud because I was able to enjoy myself for the most part and I think i showed them that I am on the right track!

i’m going to pass on the truth week to diane because she just made her blog & you should all check it out for sure

Thanksgiving is coming up- I can’t wait! Thanksgiving is one of my favorite mealsss ever.

sorry for my lack of food pix/blogging lately! i will be getting back on track this week for suree

xoxox

Shelley♥

Froyo Love

hope everyone enjoys their Thursdays the weekend is so close I can taste it!

well, today was the big day… I met with a nutritionist here on campus named Marcy. I was pretty excited because I thought i’d go in there & she’d give me a plan and i’d leave feeling great, but I have to be honest..that’s not exactly how it went.

The lady i was meeting with had a very serious tone, she seemed incredibly worried about my weight & made the situation seem REALLY serious. I’m not saying the situation isn’t serious, but I just wish she could have had a lighter attitude because it just stressed me out more. plus, when she weighed me I had gained some & so I felt like things are fine.

She told me that this is a really big deal & that living your live controlled by food/eating healthy/etc. is not the way to live. –> which I VERY much agree with

I guess I just wasn’t expecting her to be so serious and so it kind of made me sad/angry/annoyed. But when I left I realized i needed to be treated that way because I need to believe & understand that this is a big deal and actually try to change it. She suggested I ‘treat’ myself to things like froyo at least 2 times a week (which I did tonight!!) so I can try to get back to “normal” eating.

what is normal eating anyways? I mean, I don’t know if i’ll ever be able to be a ‘normal’ eater. I’ll always think about my food more than the average person I think. Anyways, I am going to meet with her on a weekly/bi weekly basis and she is going to weigh me each time. I think this is what I need and I am excited to hopefully get better/back to normal. I really do want HEALTH.

She said what I am doing now looks great, so that made me feel good at least.

I just really hope this is the help I need and this moves me in the right direction…

does anyone have good advice about how to make the best use out of a nutritionist if you go to one?

anyways, since the last time we talked I haven’t gotten too many interesting food shots

last night I went to dinner with three of my friends at noodles & company- it was SO good but I didn’t take a picture since I was with my friends! I had bangkok curry with shrimp and a tossed salad on the side with fat-free asian dressing.

I found the best place on campus to study yesterday! It is called the Student Activity Center & it has a room that looks like this. How cool is that? I loved it!

while studying in there, I snacked on some TJ’s trail mix! really good

Today started with a delicious yogurt mess! boring, I know but I still couldn’t resist taking a picturee! i drank my ensure about an hour and a half later. this yogurt mess had VANILLA CHOBANI , banana, a mix of golean and peanut butter bumpers, and some dark chocolate dreams! sadly, i am out of my greek yogurt.. grocery store trip in the near future?

I then went to my retail class & heard from Hy-Vee! It was ok, but I enjoyed catching up with my friend Abbey. Then, since the weather was nice, I went for a quick run with Gar OUTSIDE! It was a good run because we were going at a fast pace & I felt like we were really pushing each other. I’m so glad i’ve been running outside more, it really is better than the treadmill!

We then had lunch & I didn’t have my camera but it was pretty boring! I also snacked on a chocolate peanut butter nugo bar in my 4:30 class.

Dinner tonight was seasoned chicken breast, scalloped potatoes, & a salad that had spring mix, diced carrots/red peppers, couple pieces of broccoli & zucchini, mushrooms, a little tabouli (loveee tabouli), & lite raspberry vinaigrette dressing. yum!

Gar suggested bubble tea which has froyo for dessert & I didn’t hesitate to obligee

look how cute our froyos are!! mine is the vanilla w/ raspberries & his is cherry froyo with fruity pebbles, blueberries, & kiwi!

TRUTH–> part of me really didn’t want this because I knew I still had to drink my ensure and it seemed like so much, but I did it anyways.. & you know what. It was damn good!!

there has been a lot of talk in the ‘blogworld’ about why people have started their blogs. I’ve enjoyed reading about it from people like Rebecca, Mitri, & Devon… It is so important to make sure we are all blogging because we are truly inspired by each other & want to heal or share or passions, or whatever else, not to compare or any of that nonsense. I’ve personally been thinking lately about what my family & people close to me would think of my blog.

There is no way I want them to know (besides gar ) about it because it is personal & I wouldn’t feel comfortable, but I can’t help but wonder what they would think. do your families know about your blog? if so, what do they think about it?

another RANDOM tidbit- I thought i’d share something i’m proud of!

me n gar after a 5 mile run this summer! <3

so before this whole disordered eating thing took over my life, I was always active (by the way, i’m going to update my story page this weekend! with much more detail) but I hated running. When me n Gar would run, I would be wayyy behind him & I would be pretty much dying.

over the past year, i’ve developed a love for running. Today, when Gar & I were running I felt fast & I felt great. It just feel so good to think about how far i’ve come with running & how I used to DIE when me n Gar would go for runs together and now i’m able to keep up with him (even though I know he slows down a bit for me). Even though part of me knows running is a bad thing with my disordered eating, there is a HUUGE part of me that does it because i LOVE the feeling after a great run & the motivation to keep improving that comes along with it.

ok rant over!

What is something YOU are proud of???

sorry this post was long!!

oxoxoxoxooxo

Shelley♥