so I thought it was time that I went into a little more detail about my story because I think it will really help everyone understand why I blog/what I am going through. I also want to show people how easy it is to fall into this terrible cycle of disordered eating & how someone who seems so normal, balanced, & healthy can just take a huge turn for the worse.
so it all started when my boyfriend who you have all heard of by now went to college last year. I had some major changes my senior year of high school in addition to his going away (i will not go into those changes because they are a litttle too personal) so that was hard as it is.
Around winter break, I was pretty bored and decided I would dedicate my time to just lose like 5 pounds. I decided I would give numbers, but if anyone who is reading this does not want to know & if it will trigger anything PLEASE skip this. I weighed around 130-133 and am 5′5 so by now means was i overweight, but I knew i would look great if i lost a few pounds.
here I am before I had really lost any weight
in about january/february of 2009, I started to eat healthier. I would pack lunches for school & my breakfast every day was a cup of kashi creal (usually honey sunshine), half cup of light soy milk, with half a banana, & some blueberries. lunch would be a turkey sandwich w/ light cheese & light whole grain bread, carrots, & grapes. i would usually have a fiber one bar as a snack between breakfast/lunch & then dinner was kind of up for grabs. I would also usually have an afternoon snack of apple & almonds and I worked out most days.
here is another picture of me right when I started to “diet”- still wasn’t seeing any results. this is because of my “up for grab dinners” & I wasn’t at the point in my workout routine where I was running a ton.
as I continued to diet, exercise more, and learn more about what it took to lose weight- I started to slowly see results. I started reading food blogs a LOT & i got ideas about how to eat healthier food. I would constantly look up websites about dieting, eating healthier, losing weight, etc.
I started buying things like greek yogurt & la tortilla wraps & light food and i started to restrict much more. At the same time, my running shape was vastly improving & soon running 3 miles was easy for me.
in about april, I started to notice some results. Here is a picture where i first noticed I had lost around 10 pounds.
no one would ever have thought there was something wrong with me, but I was definitely restricting at this point. This is where I look back and think I looked the healthiest. I still had a figure but at the same time, I was a healthy & ideal weight probably for my height.
Then, somewhere things just got out of control. I think the obsession just started to take over me & soon I was limiting my food even more, never indulging, and running more (not a crazy amount, but usually around 4.5 miles 5-6 times a week). Food was always on my mind. I needed to know what I was going to eat at my next meal and I had anxiety when I would have to go out to eat or be in a situation where I didn’t know the exact calories.
In June, people started getting concerned, but still were not TOO concerned because I was still in a healthy weight range. I don’t know exactly how many calories I was eating but including calories burned from exercise, I was probably only getting around 1000-1200 a day.
people started making comments about the weight loss & it was no longer a subtle thing.
Throughout the summer, I kept saying that I was done losing weight. But, with each week, my weight seemed to continue to go down. I became obsessed with maintaining my weight which resulted in even more weight loss. People were starting to get concerned and my friends kept telling me I needed to stop losing.
By August, my parents were truly worried. I weighed 107, which for me was the lowest i’d ever been & so they took me to the doctor who said I needed to gain weight after doing blood work, etc.
But then I went to college. Surrounded by girls who were trying to lose weight, I found that I only continued to limit what I ate. While i was supposed to be gaining, I only continued to lose.
here i probably weighed around 102. my arms and legs look weak, I just did not look myself anymore. Though I was happy, I didn’t realize that I was only harming my body, myself, my family, and Gardner by not taking proper care of myself and giving my body the nutrients it needs.
My mom became increasingly concerned & when she came to visit me, she weighed me and I was down to 103. She said I MUST gain weight & said that if I do not start gaining, she will have no choice but to pull me out of school second semester.
Thankfully, my weight is slowly starting to go up. I am still struggling with the concept of gaining weight, and part of me is so scared of what I will look like if I gain weight. But the other part of me knows that I need it and that if I am in the healthy weight range, even at the lower end, I will look great!
The last time my mom was here (last weekend) she weighed me and I was up to 106. She was so happy & I know I am on the right track.
Thank you so much for reading my story & helping me get through this by simply supporting me, reading my blog, & commenting. I can’t tell you how much it helps on days where I am anxious about gaining to read the extremely positive/encouraging comments you all have left me. It means the world to me to get such great support from strangers.
I’m sorry if the numbers (w/ regards to my weight) offended anyone/upset anyone. I just think it is an important part of my story & for me it helps to explain the situation.
Update- 2/7/10- I now at a BMI of about 19.4. I am working towards a 20! I have made so much progress and am so proud of myself!! Here is a more recent picture:
Update- 4/5/10- I am at my goal of a 20 BMI!! Here is a recent picture now 🙂
Update- 6/1/10 – I have been maintaining my goal range for about two months now!! I feel great!
Update- 7/6/2011– This past year was a difficult one for me. I gained back quite a bit of weight (not going to go into numbers or anything) and struggled with bingeing. I am now working on finding my balance and feel like i’m finally on the right track! It is a tough road, but I think after all this I’ll finally be able to find my happy medium.
If you have any more questions/concerns etc. feel free to e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org