Still here.. (how many times am I going to say this)
I need to make more time for blogging because it really does do so much for me but I’ve been a busy little bee. I had to move out of my summer apartment (all by myself for that matter), spend the next 4 nights “homeless” (staying at my boyfriend’s place and a friend’s), go home for only a WEEK during which I took my baby sister to college (WTF), and then move into my sorority and start rush practice and rush… sooo yeah, clearly blogging had to take the back seat.
I’d like to use this post to reflect on this summer. When I started the summer, I had a few goals in mind. I wanted to regain a balance with my eating, meaning no bingeing, no restricting, and roughly following the meal plan that my nutritionist provided me with. I was hoping all of this would come fairly easily and the weight I had gained would come off. Unfortunately, I didn’t lose the weight I wanted to and the bingeing and restricting didn’t stop quickly like I had hoped it would. There was a point at the end of the summer where I felt defeated and to be honest, sort of pathetic. How could I have such trouble with something thatseems so simple.
[skip this next paragraph if you don’t care about my philosophy about what food should be hahah]
Really though! When you think about it, eating is a survival mechanism. Food is something that our society has turned into more of a pleasure or luxury than a survival mechanism. I wish we viewed eating as something that we need to do instead of something we love to do. That might sound stupid but life is full of soooo many things and sometimes I wish food was just something to eat so that we are able to have energy to go on with the rest of our day/lives. Obviously, that is what it does for us but the way we view food in general contributes to how complicated eating has become for many of us. Wow that was a confusing paragraph..*tharrry* (Gilly voice)
Sorry for that tangent… My point is that I did feel angry at myself for letting food become such a complicated issue for me. But to my surprise, I came to a realization at the end of the summer that I hadn’t completely failed those past few months, and that I actually made tremendous progress. No, I didn’t immediately stop bingeing/restricting and no I didn’t lose weight like I had hoped to. But I DID make huge progress in ways that I wasn’t able to see until now.
“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience. “Victoria Holt.”
This summer, I did some serious thinking…. Ok fine, I always tend to overthink and analyze situations, but this summer I focused on getting to the core of why I was engaging in these behaviors and what was truly at the root of the problem. I was the girl who was convinced her eating disorder was only a result of physical desires but the reality is that there is SO much more to it than that. By finally admitting that to myself, I have been able to identify what situations tend to trigger behaviors and what I can do to prevent them.
Also, I decided to become a pescatarian. I am the last person to want a label, and I will never restrain myself from eating meat if I feel a strong desire to, but I’ve been toying with the idea for a while and realized I actually don’t like eating meat. I don’t like chicken or steak anymore and I always just feel wrong eating it for ethical reasons. I feel like becoming a pescatarian is perfectly healthy for me because I’m educated about nutrition. Also, it truly has nothing to do with my eating disorder. I know that eating meat is healthy and I don’t judge anyone else for doing so because I did for so long! Since making this decision, I have had a healthier approach to food than I’ve evr had. I’ve been able to look at food as nutrition that I NEED to have energy and look healthy and I’m more concerned with getting in the nutrients I need than eating the lowest amount of calories possible.
There were a good 2 weeks where I was doing SO well. I felt like it wastoo good to be true and I was practically waiting for a slip-up… and yes a slip-up happened as a result of long days because of rush. But the difference is, instead of beating myself up and freaking out, I am choosing to realize that I messed up when I was stressed, and now I’m going to go back to how I was before. It doesn’t seem impossible like it used to, and I don’t feel anxious about it.
Most importantly, I feel like I’m finally starting to figure out who I am. I believe a huge part of my eating disorder stemmed from being unsure of where I fit and who I am, but I’m finally starting to realize what I care about and what my passions are. It feels absolutely amazing. I will definitely be posting more about this soon…
For once, I feel like I’m actually close to finding that balance.
So I hope you’ll stick with me as this crazy, unpredictable journey continues…. There are bound to be bumps in the road, but I know this time around that I am going to have some great things to write about, and hopefully some helpful posts for the people who happen to read this little blog of mine :)
I love you all so much!