To Be Honest….

30 Jun

Remember when I told you i’d be sharing with you thegood, the bad, the ugly? Well here goes some of that ‘ugly’ i’m referring to…

To start, I’ve been hesitant to blog because sharing struggles is always a lot more difficult than sharing the victories.

In my recent post What You’ve Missed, I gave you guys a small idea of what my reovery has been like, but I left it very open-ended. I have been particularly nervous to share my struggles now that I have told my friends at school about my blog, but I also realized that the struggles i’ve shared throughout my blog have been the most helpful posts to me in my recovery. Something about being completely raw and honest is so relieving and freeing.

Anyways, Last summer I remember I posted a couple times about binge /over-eating episodes followed by restrictions and my confusion about these behaviors. I wish I would have looked into them more, because instead of dealing with the reasons behind the binging, I decided to just assume it was a normal part of recovery and that it would stop. This led to an escalation of the behaviors which ultimately got me towhere I am now.

I’ve been so scared to introduce my new issues with eating because I feel like there is a stigma attached to overeating as opposed to undereating. Unfortunately, my reality has become overeating and i’ve decided today not to be ashamed of it any more. My overeating is a RESULT of my undereating and it is my eating disorder telling me that undereating is an ok behavior (and therefore appropriate to talk about) but overeating is not- the truth is, neither are ok but both are real problems that a lot of people deal with.

Realistically- it makes sense. I wouldn’t touch dessert or any food that isn’t “healthy” for that matter when I was restricting. I convinced myself that I didn’t like those foods, when the truth is I was terrified of touching them because I knew how delicious they would taste to me. I had trained myself to avoid them. When I first started allowing myself some exposure to these foods, I felt that I had no control. I was left wanting more, even if I had an adequate portion size. At the same time, my lifestyle at school doesn’t allow for much self control, especially when drinking/partying is in the picture. Bingeing became something I no longer could control/make up for through periods of restriction after and eventually, the weight started to pile on. Now, i’m at the highest weight i’ve ever been. I’m not overweight and I hope me saying this all doesn’t trigger anyone, but I know that my weight right now is not my natural weight. It isn’t the weight i’d be at if I was able to eat more intuitively.

I want to use my blog now to document my progress with bingeing. I’ve been SOOO hesitant to bring this up but I know that this is what I need to do to help me with my recovery again. I am starting to realize my behaviors have a lot more depth than the want to be thin and i’d love to share with you all my ideas on that. When I was gaining weight, blogging about my obstacles helped me so much and now I need to be true to myself and use this as a place for my recovery… even if it isn’t anorexia this time.

Since coming back to school, i’ve been doing SO MUCH BETTER. The binges have decreased a lot and even though i’ve had some slip-ups, I feel like i’m on the right track. the reason I needed a new meal plan was to keep me on track and to keep me eating enough throughout the day so I don’t binge. I’m struggling with eating the right amount on my meal plan in fear of a binge, when in reality under-eating is the cause of it.  I hope to use this as a place for someaccountability, hope, and support.  

I’m also going to share other random things because obviously these struggles are only a small portion of my everyday life 🙂

Like some of the delicious things i’ve been eating..

Birthday Brunch at Original House of Pancakes

turkey wrap with avocado and laughing cow

TJ’s chili lime chicken burger with a salad

salad with avocado, ranch, cheese, & turkey

Anyways, I just went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 with one of my best friends. It was amaaaaaaaazing!!!! Hopefully i’ll post tomorrow about it (i’m slightly obsessed with kung fu panda…. not gonna lie)

Questions

1) What’s your favorite dreamworks/pixar film?? mines obviously kung fu panda…

2) Have you ever dealt with overeating/binging? How do you control it?

LOVE YOUUUU

Advertisements

36 Responses to “To Be Honest….”

  1. Julia (Taste of Living) June 30, 2011 at 2:03 am #

    Great post and you’re so brave to share these issues. I know you will overcome them, but you’re right; they are just as serious as the other end of ED’s. I truly believe that a restricting type of ED can lead to deficits , for a long time after your weight is “healthy” again. But there will be a way out and you will walk that way. Take good care, big hugs all the way from Europe! xxx

  2. sisrocks1996 June 30, 2011 at 4:47 am #

    Cars!

    And OMG yes. I honestly just have to remember that willpower and remind myself it will be there tomorrow. If all else fails it just can’t be in the house. I know it’s a direct byprouduct of my years of ED, but it needs to stop! Hugs I know it’s rough and it sucks. When can food just be food?!

  3. Klh June 30, 2011 at 4:49 am #

    You’re always so real and honest! And that is truly admirable…thank you! Kung Fu Panda (both) is soooo good, isn’t it!!

    Katie : )

  4. cardiopizza June 30, 2011 at 5:45 am #

    Oh yes, I’ve dealt with binging. It’s a horrible experience and I know how you feel. There is quite the stigma about overeating and I’ve only just brushed the subject on my blog. I hope to talk more about it though because it is something I have dealt with and overcome (and have had slip ups too)

    High stress is my trigger. When I got into a car accident in the winter (which wasn’t even bad, just stressful), I began to binge eat to feel better. That behavior then triggers my restriction behavior and turns into a big mess. Since I had been through this before I caught it early and in less than a month I beat it.

    What allows me to overcome it is to have a normal eating schedule and to eat enough during the day for my activity level. When I am eating enough and still binging than I know it’s completely an emotional thing not a physical thing (which I’ve also experienced from restriction).

    I HAVE to deal with my emotions and get to the root of the stress to overcome it. Reading is a huge help for me and I love reading about anything uplifting and positive. Staying busy also helps and being social. When I begin to notice I want to isolate myself more, I know that I am feeling out of whack.

    I know it seems like a tough road, but you will come to peace with this and overcome this obstacle and as you know, it’s always a learning process.

    • Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) June 30, 2011 at 11:25 am #

      thank you SO MUCH for your comment!! You have no idea how often I look at your blog for inspiration. I really do think you went through something very similar to what i’m going through now and i really appreciate your advice.

  5. Katie June 30, 2011 at 6:22 am #

    I have missed you!! How are you love? When I saw your comment on my blog, I was thrilled to see you were back, but am sorry to hear it has been a rough road for you, I know it is tough , but you will get through this! I see you are doing better already, and just remember you only live one life, so you have to make the best of it, and you have to treat your body good : ) Im always here for you and support you girl!

    Love u!!

    • Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) June 30, 2011 at 11:29 am #

      Thanks Katie!!! I’m goood, i’ve missed the blog world haha. Thanks for all your support and congrats on your wedding 🙂

  6. movesnmunchies June 30, 2011 at 7:27 am #

    im so glad u opened up.. becuz i can relate! i used to struggle with binge eating like CRAzyyy.. its a HARD cycle to stop but you CAN do it! becuz i did!!

  7. Foodie (Fab and Delicious Food) June 30, 2011 at 7:29 am #

    Good for you being honest about everything! Glad you are doing better now! Keep taking care of yourself!

    Have a fantastic day!

  8. Meg June 30, 2011 at 7:41 am #

    Hey lova! I’m so glad you’ve resorted back to blogging and really opening up to help heal your emotions and struggles. It’s super important to really express yourself and you’ll get so much feedback and support 🙂 I haven’t dealth with bingeing, but one of my friends has and I know it’s SO much more mentally tasking than anyone could imagine.

    I’m glad you’re doing better love. LOVE YOU!

  9. Mom June 30, 2011 at 7:44 am #

    So happy that you felt brave enough to post this! This is why your blogging is so important. This post was truly a great start to my day!
    I LOVE YOU!!!!
    Mom

    • alyssa June 30, 2011 at 2:39 pm #

      oh my god i love your mom.

    • anne July 1, 2011 at 2:19 am #

      i agree with Alyssa. shelley’s mom, you are awesome.
      now i miss my mom lol. thankfully she’s visiting soon!

  10. debbiecutieface June 30, 2011 at 7:59 am #

    first of all that’s so cute your mom commented 🙂 Hehe

    Shell, it’s SOOO normal for former restricters to turn into overeaters. It’s because your body was deprived for so long, as soon as you allow it food, it becomes frantic. I’ve never suffered with binging to the extent that you’re describing but I know SO many former anorexics that do. There’s absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of with our struggles – especially because you ARE asking for help. Like you said, it’s the stupid ED telling you that restricting is okay but overeating isn’t. NEITHER IS OKAY. But both can be dealt with and you can move on to become a happy, balanced, confident Shelley 🙂

    I also agree that your problems have NOTHING to do with being thin. It actually came as sort of a shocker to me when I realized MY problems had nothing to do with being thin – I had to dig a little deeper and discovered so many ugly things in my past that triggered my ED. But now I’m dealing with them, and I feel better than I have in a long, long time.

    I think opening up about your problems is definitely the first step. You need to be honest with yourself to help yourself. And I have confidence that you’ll make it<3

    text me if you ever need to talk/just because! Do you still have my numba?

    • Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) June 30, 2011 at 11:30 am #

      DEBBBBSSS i love youuu!! Thanks for your advice hun, i know we can def relate on many levels! I think i do have your number 🙂 ill text you sooon. ps- i might go to new york for a weekend, i might be SUPER busy but if imnot we should go to lunch or something?!

  11. Jess June 30, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    I’ve been reading your blog for the past few years but I’ve never commented. I also struggle with an eating disorder and I find your blog is just soooo insightful and truthful, and that I can relate to so many of the things you say. Like you, I am on the recovery end of an eating disorder. I am almost at my goal weight and can eat pretty much any food my body craves, with the exception of a few scary foods (that I am currently working on). I almost completely recovered last year, and I say almost because after a few months of truly living my life for the first time in a long time, I relapsed. I realize now that I hadn’t “completely” recovered. I struggled with overeating and bingeing. Because I “didn’t have an eating disorder anymore,” I ate all the foods I had been denying myself, I couldn’t stop and would eat until I felt bloated uncomfortably full, whether it was desert or a healthy family meal. Like you, I also began to put on more weight than I wanted. It was probably good for me, but at the time, it freaked me out. And you can pretty much guess what happened next…

    This past year, as I worked on recovering from my relapse, I also worked at eating more intuitively. Granted, my hunger cues are a bit out of whack from long periods of restriction, so I often eat because I know my body needs it, but there are several things that helped me get past my bingeing.

    My first piece of advice is to give your body time. I think sometimes I get caught up in recovering in a “perfect way,” and I have to remind myself that my body is not evil or out of control, and there is a reason my body is bingeing. This will not last forever, because it is not part of who you are. You will move past this. Just be understanding towards your body.

    Also, one technique I used when eating foods I had previously denied myself, was to really enjoy the process of eating. I would mentally focus on taking each bite slowly, and ask myself, what does it taste like? What is the texture like? I found when I ate slowly and really enjoyed the food, my body would give a little “sigh” of satisfaction when it didn’t want anymore. It is hard to notice this cue at first but it is there, I promise 🙂

    Sometimes when I was eating out with friends, I didn’t just want to focus on the food the whole time, so I would focus on the conversation and the laughter. I would take a few bites, and then make an effort to pause and listen to what was going on around me and really involve myself in the moment. By the time the meal was over, I felt satisfied physically and mentally 🙂

    I really had to work at it in the beginning, but eventually this comes naturally, and you start to eat more of what your body craves and learn to stop eating when your body doesn’t want anymore. Even when I am (ahem) drinking with friends, I find I can allow myself to indulge without overdoing it. The key is to listen to your body, and give it permission to guide you while you eat. Of course, my ED voices like to play around sometimes and tell me false things about my body cues (watch out for this!), but for the most part, I can eat intuitively almost effortlessly now. Also remember that even people without eating disorders overeat occasionally. It happens, and sometimes it’s totally worth it haha. The main thing is, you’ve come so far, you look incredibly beautiful, and this is just a bump in the road.

    • Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) June 30, 2011 at 11:32 am #

      Thank you SO MUCH for such a thoughtful comment! I love seeing who reads my blog so i’m so happy you wrote this. You have no idea how much it means to me that you took the time to tell me all of this 🙂 It always helps me to know that i’m not alone in this and that there is a way out. It’s awesome you have found your balance and I know with time i’ll find mine!

  12. Hana June 30, 2011 at 10:58 am #

    I’ve been reading your blog from quite some time and have loved it, and with this post, I know exactly how you feel because I’ve been dealt with the same issue. My freshman and sophomore years of high school I suffered from anorexia and sought treatment, and I just now finished my first year of college at the University of Cincinnati. Throughout this first year I’ve noticed the overeating becoming more or a normal occurence, in which I knew there was a reason the tables had turned. I had always tried to be strong, but on the inside I was so scared and insecure. What I love is that you’ve voiced what so many others have gone through and are going through, because this is the first time I’ve been outward about my experience (other than a little bit with my mom). I’m finally finding the balance, and what has helped me so far is surrounding myself with friends and family, as seeing their food intuition allows me to do the same. I would always overeat in secret and it would make me feel so shameful, but now I’ve been feeling like one of the girls again, which feels great! I have two roommates who both know about my history, and one is actually a childhood friend who visited me while I was in the hospital.

    Anyway! I always think to myself if I feel like I want to binge: “Now how will I feel after all of this?” It would always leave my body feeling crappy and run-down, which I didn’t love. I pick one indulgence and stick to that, and know which foods leave me feeling happy and healthy. Growing up dancing all my life and suddenly not having it in college left me without those constant exercise endorphins, so I set a goal of being active at least 3X a week, no matter what it is! Having a jam session with just yourself and your ipod allows you to be free, and I know that you can feel free from this situation too. You’re not alone because Jess said, people without disorders overeat sometimes, but they savor and enjoy it without thinking of the consequences.

    Live and love your life with no regrets, and I know you’ll get through it. You’ve come a great way and you certainly have the strength for this 🙂

    • Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) June 30, 2011 at 11:34 am #

      THANKS HUN! you are amazing:)and thanks for reading. It is so good to know that someone in such a similar situation has been through this and gotten out of it. PS- i’m from Ohio haha

  13. Jamey Marie Hastings (@TheRealJayHay) June 30, 2011 at 12:11 pm #

    Ratatouille for sure… but Kungfu Panda 2 was amazing last night!!!

    I love you so much girl and I’m proud of you for not holding anything back! It really helps people to know other people are dealing with issues, and even if it’s not the same issue it helps people feel that it’s okay that they aren’t perfect 🙂 Don’t worry about your friends at school now knowing about your blog. We all love you for who you are and that is why we’re friends.

  14. alyssa June 30, 2011 at 2:30 pm #

    my love, my love!

    felt compelled to comment. what former anorexic HASN’T dealt with this? sorry if this is TMI, but i remember VIVIDLY times where i weighed at least 30 pounds less than i do now and yet would still shove food into my face almost subconsciously. i would retreat to my bed physically unable to move. it blew my mind how i could be SO thin and yet be SUCH “a pig.” it was the absolute hardest time of my life. i couldn’t put on clothes, i couldn’t go out, i would just obsess about food. i sympathize so much and would never wish that upon you.

    the reality is that “bingeing” dissappears when we stop labeling foods as good and as bad. we can eat 4 bags of broccoli and be “healthy,” sure, but then we eat 4 bags of chocolate and we’re disgusting. it’s the same volume of food, but one is good and one is bad. our bodies have trouble telling the difference when we don’t allow them to. my best advice is to not restrict yourself of anything, even if you are “scared” of it. it will only set you up for failure later on.

    and, if it makes you feel better, i’m at my heighest weight too! but i eat intuitively and splurge when i want to, so i’m okay with it. i’d rather be happy than be in those dark days again.

    i love you!

    • Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) July 5, 2011 at 12:48 am #

      thanks lyss! sorry i’m responding so late..but you really are an inspiration and your comments mean so much to me. I agree that restricting myself is a terrible idea and usually backfires– it is taking me some time to get the hang of it all but i’m getting better I think. loveyou!

  15. Jay June 30, 2011 at 5:31 pm #

    Your honesty is inspiring – and shows how strong you are – don’t feel defeated!

    Also – I know this might be a bit nosy but what exactly do you consider to be “binging” ? You never really describe it? Just curious, because maybe they’re not as bad as you think? If it’s simply drunk eating I can promise that every drunk college kid goes through it and you’re not abnormal 🙂

    • Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) July 5, 2011 at 12:49 am #

      thank you!! and if you want to e-mail me about this i’d be happy to tell you more (shell625@gmail.com). I definitely know some of the bingeing is not just normal college kid stuff.. although I have some of htat too!

  16. Katharina June 30, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

    Hey girl! This is your place to be honest about what’s on your mind, and you know what? I think for the most part people will be there to support you in anyway. A lot of people care about you 🙂

    1. Hm… I’m actually not sure lol. James and the Giant Peach is the first thing that comes to mind. I also like Toy Story 🙂

    2. I did actually. I use to binge on granola and peanut butter together (which is so delicious by the way)… but how I felt after eating WAAAAAY too much of it was just not good. At first I had to keep those triggering foods away, until I got past the issues that had nothing to do with food. Finally when I felt like I could be at peace with those trigger foods by at first being at peace with my feelings and finding beneficial ways to cope (i.e. communicating). I’ve also learned the difference between eating till I’m stuffed as in I just liked what I ate so much that I just wanted more vs. feeling stuffed because I was inhaling the food mechanically and being totally detached with reality. Everyone has a different way of dealing with their troubles, and I know that you care about your overall well-being. I know you’ll find your way to feel at peace 🙂

    XO!

    p.s. that birthday brunch looks DELICIOUS!

    http://www.ohonemorething.wordpress.com

    • Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) July 5, 2011 at 12:49 am #

      thank youuu! your comments are always so thoughtful 🙂 i’ve been reading your blog even though i haven’t commented all this time… good to hear from you again!

  17. Salah July 1, 2011 at 3:04 pm #

    I definitely went through a period where I was overeating a LOT and used a lot of laxatives to help me “get rid” of all the bad food that I just ate etc. I knew I was destroying my body but I did it regardless. However, when I started having lots of digestive issues etc. I stopped all that and decided to change my life around. Its a difficult thing to deal with, but when it comes to living a long healthy life overcoming the eating disorders is soooo important!

  18. imaginenamaste July 2, 2011 at 1:18 am #

    I just wanted to send you a virtual hug! I didn’t even mean to go to your blog (was typing in something else) but my mac predicts the websites based on favorites and I hit enter early. I’m glad I did. I completely understanding what you are going through….sometimes, I wondered if my body was scared it wouldn’t get those foods again. I think part of it that has helped me was that I had to have some of those binge foods, in normal amounts when in a neutral mood, to just show that I could just have that much and stop eating it. And, that I could choose to have it again if I wanted.

  19. Marissa July 3, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    Well, I love reading your blog (is that creepy?) BECAUSE you’re so honest. – don’t be too hard on yourself – although you might be struggling a bit at least you are healthy enough to know any understand that you aren’t happy and that you want to/are trying to change 🙂 – keep it up!

    • Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) July 5, 2011 at 12:50 am #

      no it’s not creepy!!! thank you, im so glad you commented because i love your blog too now haha..i’ll def be foollowing. Thanks for the comment 🙂

  20. Sarah July 3, 2011 at 2:44 pm #

    Shelley,
    Your bravery shines through in this post. Thank you SO much for sharing. Anorexia’s influence always makes us feel so shameful for talking about behaviors that have to do with over eating…but at the end of the day we binge for the same reasons we restrict! To numb emotional pain, the behavior itself does not mean anything…it’s all about the emotion underneath.

    I have struggled with binging too. It’s a scary thing to battle when you also have the voice of anorexia in your head. You can do this though! You are so honest and brave, you will make it through.

    You deserve FULL recovery, Shelley! Go claim it for yourself!

    xxx

    • Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) July 5, 2011 at 12:54 am #

      thank you so much sarah.. everything you just said is so true. I hope you have a good week

  21. Niamh July 5, 2011 at 12:33 pm #

    This post was exactly what I needed to hear(read?) because I’ve been there, and I definitely felt like I was going there again. Thanks for being so brave and honest in this post. The world needs more bloggers like you 🙂
    On a happier note, I adore Toy Story. I’m such a Disney Classics fan, and TS is one of the only non classic Disney movies that is in my top favorites! xo

  22. jenna July 6, 2011 at 8:15 pm #

    i definitely dealt with overeating when and after i recovered! even when i had a decent sized portion i would still always want more since i went soo long without it!

  23. Em Marie July 6, 2011 at 9:46 pm #

    I’ve kinda been in the same boat, but what helps me is to know that everything is temporary and feelings pass! Just breathe through it and know that you’ve gotten past worse obstacles before!

  24. Beautiful Keys July 9, 2011 at 3:18 pm #

    I’m so proud of you for being so honest! I’m sure it will help so many people. Dont take this the wrong way but your meals look REALLY REALLY SMALL to me? Maybe that’s why you end up overeating at times?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: