I have a lot to say and I left it to the end of the post! First, I wanted to show you some good eats i’ve had this summer. In the next post I am going to tell you all about my recent trip to Canyon Ranch Resort in Miami Beach with my mom, sister, & cousins! It was absolutely incredible.
I had such a delicious dinner the other night. It was simply a big salad with a veggie burger I put together and some sweet potato “fries” & a pear
I also took a stab at overnight oats. I used to try & fail, but this time was a total success. I combined about 1/3 cup oat bran, 1/3 cup plain oikos, & 1/3 cup almond milk and left it over night. I topped it with a banana, some cereal & peanut butter!
I was relaxing by the pool & my Mom offered to grill up some chicken sausages, so I gladly accepted! They were spinach, fontina cheese & roasted garlic flavored & they were delicious
When snack time rolled around, I was in the mood for something cold. I decided to throw together a smoothie! I had some frozen strawberries & grapes so I added those with some almond milk, ice, protein powder, & spinach
I stopped at Panera for dinner because I was spending some time doing some stuff at Barnes & Noble 🙂 I got the pick two with the bbq chicken salad & chicken tortilla soup
The next morning all I wanted was a smoothie! The other one was just so good. This time I added Aria Vanilla Protein Powder, frozen banana & grapes, almond milk, and peanut butter & spinach (I think thats it). I added cereal on top!
A big salad inspired by Miss Cassie! (There was also fruit & baked lays eaten on the side)
I made myself another salad along with an unpictured baked potato the other night too. This had TJ’s chickenless strips & stir fried Portobello mushrooms & other veggies with Annie’s Lite Gingerly Vinaigrette dressing.
An amazing breakfast! I cooked up 1/3 cup oat bran with 1/4 cup of egg whites, fage 0%, nectarine slices, peanut butter & some cinnamon cascadian crunch cereal (my fav)
A classic lunch for me– This had a goat cheese spread, turkey, spinach & sprouts. I also had light pringles, some grapefruit, & a side salad with light honey mustard dressing!
I haven’t been updating the blog, as you all know. I know that most of the reason is that i’m busy doing other things, but I think there is more to it then that. You see, for a while, I knew the direction I was going in. I knew I was recovering- I had a meal plan, I had goals, and I was 10000% sure that recovery was something I wanted, needed, and WOULD achieve. But now, I am at a confusing point.
The thing i’m realizing in more of a REAL way, is that recovery is more than a number on the scale. I so badly have wanted to be able to say that I feel like I am recovered; that I don’t have eating disordered thoughts and that I am living freely. But that would be a lie. I cannot and will not lie (or even hide the truth) on this blog. While it is true that I am a positive person who loves nothing more than laughing so hard until my stomach hurts and going out with my friends, I also am still struggling.. a lot.
To be 100% honest, I am nothing short of confused. I feel lost, I feel scared, and I feel somewhat alone. & those are scary things to admit.
I am having a hard time putting my struggles into words because they are so great but yet so small. I am torn between wanting to live a healthy lifestyle and wanting to live the life of a college kid. I don’t know how to go out and drink with my friends without feeling guilty the next day for what I may have drunk and/or eaten. I am ashamed to admit that I have had binges and then restricted the next day. I have a hard time putting my fork down and knowing when I am full. I am horrified to have to say that my weight has affected my mood and the way I treat the people I love. I am angry that I am letting this have a place in my life.
But most of all, I am confused. I know some of the things I do aren’t healthy, but they are a part of being young and something I enjoy. Balance is key and so is moderation- but it is so much easier said than done. I have been told my so many people that this is going to be the hardest part of my recovery [maintaining/balance], but this is the first time I’ve actually believed it.
So what does all of this mean? I’ve come up with a few things (with the help of my Mom, who is really understanding and wants me to get rid of this while there is time this summer)
♥ I need to commit to my health– this means that I need to truly follow the meal plan I have been prescribed by my nutritionist. I need to make smarter decisions about going out and try not to restrict the next day.
♥I need to be honest & observe– I tend to brush off certain behaviors but I think in order to really heal mentally, I need to be honest with myself and admit when something is probably a behavior I should not be engaging in.
♥ I need to blog more– Blogging helps me stay on track and it helps me express some struggles that I may not be able to verbalize. So expect more of me- and this time, I mean it.
♥ I need to do a better job of managing my emotions– If I am upset about my weight or struggles, I really want to try my best not to take it out on my Mom or sister. They mean a lot to me and I want to have a positive relationship with them.
Sorry if this post was all over the place, as you can probably tell, it is a reflection of my mind and thoughts. I can’t wait to blog more and share my struggles, along with the things that have been making my life a happy one. I love having positive energy, but I also realize that being honest will not only help me, but possibly others too.
Hope you have all been doing great 🙂 I will be catching up on your lives too!!
Heres a little preview of Canyon Ranch!