Reality Check

22 Jun

Hello lovess!

I have a lot to say and I left it to the end of the post! First, I wanted to show you some good eats i’ve had this summer. In the next post I am going to tell you all about my recent trip to Canyon Ranch Resort in Miami Beach with my mom, sister, & cousins! It was absolutely incredible.

Eats!

I had such a delicious dinner the other night. It was simply a big salad with a veggie burger I put together and some sweet potato “fries” & a pear


I also took a stab at overnight oats. I used to try & fail, but this time was a total success. I combined about 1/3 cup oat bran, 1/3 cup plain oikos, & 1/3 cup almond milk and left it over night. I topped it with a banana, some cereal & peanut butter!

These were the perfect thing for a warm summer morning!

I was relaxing by the pool & my Mom offered to grill up some chicken sausages, so I gladly accepted! Β They were spinach, fontina cheese & roasted garlic flavored & they were delicious

with a side salad for some veggienesss

When snack time rolled around, I was in the mood for something cold. I decided to throw together a smoothie! I had some frozen strawberries & grapes so I added those with some almond milk, ice, protein powder, & spinach

This was amazing. I loved eating it out of a bowl too- I felt like I was eating froyo or something!

I stopped at Panera for dinner because I was spending some time doing some stuff at Barnes & Noble πŸ™‚ I got the pick two with the bbq chicken salad & chicken tortilla soup

loved it- i feel like they matched haha.

The next morning all I wanted was a smoothie! The other one was just so good. This time I added Aria Vanilla Protein Powder, frozen banana & grapes, almond milk, and peanut butter & spinach (I think thats it). I added cereal on top!

I think I ate something else on the side but I didn’t take a picture of it, don’t remember!

A big salad inspired by Miss Cassie! (There was also fruit & baked lays eaten on the side)

I made myself another salad along with an unpictured baked potato the other night too. This had TJ’s chickenless strips & stir fried Portobello mushrooms & other veggies with Annie’s Lite Gingerly Vinaigrette dressing.

An amazing breakfast! I cooked up 1/3 cup oat branΒ with 1/4 cup of egg whites, fage 0%, nectarine slices, peanut butter & some cinnamon cascadian crunch cereal (my fav)

I loved the way the nectarines melted into the oat bran.

A classic lunch for me– This had a goat cheese spread, turkey, spinach & sprouts. I also had light pringles, some grapefruit, & a side salad with light honey mustard dressing!


I haven’t been updating the blog, as you all know. I know that most of the reason is that i’m busy doing other things, but I think there is more to it then that.Β  You see, for a while, I knew the direction I was going in. I knew I was recovering- I had a meal plan, I had goals, and I was 10000% sure that recovery was something I wanted, needed, and WOULD achieve. But now, I am at a confusing point.

The thing i’m realizing in more of a REAL way, is that recovery is more than a number on the scale. I so badly have wanted to be able to say that I feel like I am recovered; that I don’t have eating disordered thoughts and that I am living freely. But that would be a lie. I cannot and will not lie (or even hide the truth) on this blog. While it is true that I am a positive person who loves nothing more than laughing so hard until my stomach hurts and going out with my friends, I also am still struggling.. a lot.

To be 100% honest, I am nothing short of confused. I feel lost, I feel scared, and I feel somewhat alone. & those are scary things to admit.

I am having a hard time putting my struggles into words because they are so great but yet so small. I am torn between wanting to live a healthy lifestyle and wanting to live the life of a college kid. I don’t know how to go out and drink with my friends without feeling guilty the next day for what I may have drunk and/or eaten. I am ashamed to admit that I have had binges and then restricted the next day. I have a hard time putting my fork down and knowing when I am full. I am horrified to have to say that my weight has affected my mood and the way I treat the people I love. I am angry that I am letting this have a place in my life.

But most of all, I am confused. I know some of the things I do aren’t healthy, but they are a part of being young and something I enjoy. Balance is key and so isΒ moderation- but it is so much easier said than done. I have been told my so many people that this is going to be the hardest part of my recovery [maintaining/balance], but this is the first time I’ve actually believed it.

So what does all of this mean? I’ve come up with a few things (with the help of my Mom, who is really understanding and wants me to get rid of this while there is time this summer)

β™₯ I need to commit to my healththis means that I need to truly follow the meal plan I have been prescribed by my nutritionist. I need to make smarter decisions about going out and try not to restrict the next day.

β™₯I need to be honest & observe– I tend to brush off certain behaviors but I think in order to really heal mentally, I need to be honest with myself and admit when something is probably a behavior I should not be engaging in.

β™₯ I need to blog more– Blogging helps me stay on track and it helps me express some struggles that I may not be able to verbalize.Β So expect more of me- and this time, I mean it.

β™₯ I need to do a better job of managing my emotions– If I am upset about my weight or struggles, I really want to try my best not to take it out on my Mom or sister. They mean a lot to me and I want to have a positive relationship with them.

Sorry if this post was all over the place,Β as you can probably tell, it is a reflection of my mind and thoughts. I can’t wait to blog more and share my struggles, along with the things that have been making my life a happy one. I love having positive energy, but I also realize that being honest will not only help me, but possibly others too.

Hope you have all been doing great πŸ™‚ I will be catching up on your lives too!!

xoxoxooxox





Heres a little preview of Canyon Ranch!


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64 Responses to “Reality Check”

  1. Mom June 22, 2010 at 3:42 pm #

    You’re the best! So proud you blogged!We are all here to support and love you! You are so smart and you need to use that to your benefit!
    Love you
    Mom

    • Lyss June 22, 2010 at 8:24 pm #

      this brought a tear to my eye. you are SO loved! seriously, count your blessings. you’re beautiful, brilliant and bright! πŸ™‚

    • solskinn88 June 27, 2010 at 12:55 pm #

      I know I’ve said it before, but it is just… you are a wonderful mother, and a beautiful person.
      I think you should know that πŸ™‚

  2. Allison R. June 22, 2010 at 3:56 pm #

    I’VE MISSED YOU!!! Glad you are back πŸ™‚

  3. lo June 22, 2010 at 3:58 pm #

    blogging is such a release! keep doing it because i love ur posts!!! and um that drink in the last pic? GIMME!

    xoxo
    lolo

  4. thehungryscholar June 22, 2010 at 3:59 pm #

    Thanks for visiting my blog, I find your outlook and story extremely inspirational. I’m glad you have such a great support system, such as your mom (^). I really appreciate how honest you are; it would be so easy to lie or leave things out on a blog. And I also agree with your mom…so smart!

    Keep blogging, because I cannot wait to read more!

  5. Jenna June 22, 2010 at 4:05 pm #

    what a great post shelley!
    you look so cute in your pics and i love your two dresses πŸ˜‰ where they from?!
    Jenna xo

  6. mapledreams June 22, 2010 at 4:27 pm #

    You are an absolutely gorgeous girl, and deserve happiness and a free mind. it was never going to be easy, but it is possible. and when you get glimpses of what a normal life is like (whatever “normal ” actually is!!), it makes things a whole lot easier! your mum seems really amazing. use her support and help as much as possible and it will make things even slightly easier. you deserve it.

    and wow your eats look scrumptious..espescially the breakfasts!!! xx

  7. Molly June 22, 2010 at 4:59 pm #

    First, so glad you’re back! I missed you! and second, you are NOT alone. not one bit. I have found I get really depressed almost, and I find that usually stems after a night of some of the most genuine fun I could have. I am constantly feeling guilty for doing things that everyone else does without a care. Its SO hard, and I can not begin to relate to you more right now. Its more than being healthy on the outside, its about being healthy on the inside (especially mentally). We will both get there I know it! Just have fun and let loose as much as you can. It looks like you have been having an amazing summer, dont let it stop! You deserve it!

    And if you ever need to talk, Im always here πŸ™‚

    xo-Molly
    http://www.givinganythingbutup.wordpress.com

  8. Katie June 22, 2010 at 5:07 pm #

    Girl I missed you!! So glad you had a great trip with the family, what is that awesome drink in that pic at the end?!! Looks so good! U my dear look so good!! U look beautiful, strong, and healthy!!!

    Hey girl, dont beat yourself up, life is a struggle sometimes, and you cant be perfect everyday, but you just have to stay strong, and know how amazing you are and what a beautiful life lies ahead of you, you have a great family to support you and of course great friends : ) love you! xoxo

  9. jqlee June 22, 2010 at 5:11 pm #

    Hey beautiful. I’m happy that you are expressing yourself. I too find that it helps to just put the feelings out there in words. The support somehow does make it all feel better. Recovering is DEFINITELY hard and sometimes it’s such a struggle and I feel ALL the same things you do too. Slowly but surely, we are getting through it. Stick with it girl.

    Plus, all the foods you are eating are still healthy but not “diet” nor “binge” foods. As for not being able to put the fork down when you are full, I do that sometimes too. I just have to really tell myself there is NO POINT in finishing it all. My mentality used to be that “its going to be all gone and i wont be able to have anymore” but guesss what? – we can always have it again another time. No need to eat it all right there, right then. That was my biggest problem.

    I hope you’re doing better after having written this post. LOVE that you’re going to be blogging more. Missed your face!! πŸ™‚

    Lots of love,
    Jess

  10. Tori June 22, 2010 at 5:29 pm #

    I agree, you should blog more!! As for the guilt about going out and not being 100% healthy ALL the time, that’s nomal girl! I think most people have a little guilt after going out and eating/drinking freely. The thing is, they don’t let it rule their life, or effect them greatly. I don’t think you have to sacrifice being healthy for having fun. It’s not an either/or. A big part of it is who you surround yourself with. Ask youself if you think your friends and family are doing something “unhealthy”. If the answer is no, then why would you think that you doing the same thing is any different or worse?

    Keep blogging!
    ❀ Tori

  11. tatiannalives June 22, 2010 at 5:36 pm #

    Shelly! I am so glad you are back.. although I’m not too happy about the circumstances. I’m sorry that you are still struggling mentally, but you are definitely not alone. I bet a lot of girls, not just ones who have suffered from eating disorders, struggle mildly with wanting to party and wanting to be health-concious. Life is all aout balance… and finding it is the hard part.

    I can’t wait for you to update more.. and I agree that it would probably help to be able to vent out your feelings more often. Good luck big sis πŸ˜‰

    ❀ Tat

  12. Kristin June 22, 2010 at 5:42 pm #

    Hi Shelley πŸ™‚ I e-mailed you several months ago but still follow your blog all the time. This post really, really spoke to me because I feel like we are in the EXACT same place right now. I can completely relate to the binges, recognizing and observing feeling full, and trying to find a balance that I can embrace and not feel guilty about later. I am so grateful to you that you are expressing these feelings…they make me feel much less alone and more normal πŸ™‚ One way or another, we’ll get through this!

  13. Morgan June 22, 2010 at 6:18 pm #

    As always, I love your honesty! Good for you for understanding what went wrong and correcting it. Life is about learning from mistakes!
    I wish you weren’t going through this, but I’m glad you’re back! I hope you continue your healthy lifestyle in the best way for you!

  14. Emily June 22, 2010 at 6:45 pm #

    I think your taking the best steps forward in recovery in order to obtain balance in your life! I’m glad we’ll be seeing more of you πŸ™‚

    xoxo

  15. Lauren June 22, 2010 at 7:01 pm #

    Good to see you back and also so nice to hear that you are going to blog more! I love reading your words and I also love that you are always so honest. It’s truly a beautiful thing to watch you grow and become a stronger person every single post! Of course, you will still have struggles (who doesn’t) but I can honestly tell you that I have seen such a massive improvement in your overall health and healthy approach in the past few months!

    you know I’m always behind you in everything girl! πŸ™‚

  16. Kristy June 22, 2010 at 7:24 pm #

    Shelly,

    It may be true that you are struggling right now, but what is more important is that you are admitting that you are struggling and are facing the challenge. Just keep the desire to fight Ed! I love your blog : ) I’m so happy you’re back.

  17. debbie June 22, 2010 at 7:27 pm #

    loveyyyy! Never be afraid to admit that you are struggling. We all do. It’s life. The thing is, recovery is a LIFELONG process. Some days I feel 100%, others I feel the need to restrict. I know we both feel like we should be completely free from any ED thoughts or actions whatsoever – but the truth is, we probably never will be. They come and go – and that’s okay, as long as you move forward a little every time and learn from it every time!

    as for balancing going out with a meal plan – I find that if I drink just a couple of drinks, I’m a lot more at ease and won’t feel such a huge urge to restrict the next day…maybe try that the next time!? Everything in moderation, right!? When you go out to eat, try to make the meal fit into your meal plan as much as possible – but if you’re up for a challenge, get what YOU want and not what ED thinks you should get πŸ™‚ You just gotta find the balance, which is sooo hard sometimes, unfortunately…but it’s a learning process…one that may take your whole life!

    love you, I’m always here to chat ❀

  18. Jess June 22, 2010 at 8:29 pm #

    I can totally relate to what you’re going through, babe! It is so hard to get those “full feelings” back again. It does take a while, but they WILL come back, I promise. Sometimes a reality check is a great thing!!
    ❀ jess
    xoxo

  19. *Andrea* June 22, 2010 at 9:03 pm #

    so glad you’re back! i feel the same regarding being confused.. it’s hard to balance life – especially when health is a priority but having fun with friends is too, which can often contradict each other. i think following your nutritionist advice is key, but also pushing yourself to trust yourself and your body rather than expectations and judgmental thoughts.

  20. Mitri June 22, 2010 at 9:13 pm #

    Confusion is a key term in my life. πŸ˜› So know that you are not alone in your struggling. Blog when you feel the need to express yourself, and express yourself freely. We all support you here! You are such a vibrant person πŸ™‚

  21. livelaughlovehopeeat June 22, 2010 at 10:01 pm #

    Hi! This is the first time I have read your blog…. I love it already!!! I am in recovery from anorexia and you totally inspired me to try some of the things in your pictures there! I eat the exact same thing every day right now….

    Now…. what exactly was in that drink in the last photo? Why is it steaming?? haha…. Looked so rad though!

    I have trouble when I try to drink too…. I have twice since i left the hospital last, almost 8 weeks ago…. and I just restrict like crazy the next day because I feel so guilty. This may be bad advice…. but I would calculate how much was in the alcohol I was drinking and just take off that much in food. I think if you can keep on track with you meal plan, but be flexible once a week and have fun be social, and have a drink… it’s better than being so rigid on a meal plan, like I tend to be. Just remember that your health is more important than a wicked night out.
    I am also in a confused place right now. I am at this point between being ‘sick’ and being healthy. I am so rigid with my food, that I feel like I’m not living…. yet then I am not restricting… I’m eating my whole meal plan. Its so hard to be in this place…. You aren’t in a place where you are doing really bad and decide you want nothing but recovery…. I easily forget how bad it got at times.
    If you kept a journal when you were sick…. it can be helpful to read back and remember why you wanted recovery in the first place.

  22. Melissa @ TryingToHeal June 22, 2010 at 10:04 pm #

    i can’t wait to see you back to blogging! i’ve certainly missed you! and the goals you’ve got are great and balanced. i hope you start feeling more positive soon!

  23. Erika @ Dr.TriRunner June 22, 2010 at 10:07 pm #

    hey love bug,

    so happy to see your face again! despite your struggles, I can “hear” the determination in your writing, and I know you will continue to work hard so that you have YOUR life 100% back in your possession. based on the comments, you obviously know you have lots of support from us, and it sounds like you have a lot in your everyday life from your mom, family, and treatment team. are you still seeing a therapist? sometimes having to someone just reverberate your thoughts back to you is the best help!

    i know you’re in a scary place with the binges/restriction… but maybe take a little comfort in knowing it’s SUPER common for people who have struggled with anorexia to dabble over to the opposite end of the spectrum during recovery. some of the research i’ve gotten to do in the lab studying eating disorders and athletes proves it… whether it’s a mental or physiological trigger, it happens. so just know you’re not alone. πŸ™‚

    always here if you need!

  24. danica June 22, 2010 at 10:40 pm #

    Heyyy babe!
    I totally know where you are coming from, it is SO hard to recover/eat healthy/be a normal college student all at the same time. It’s like they are 3 completely different lifestyles! But I know you can do this and it is great that you have set goals again. I think blogging really does help with the accountability, thats what I am doing too!
    Lotsa love!

  25. Amanda @ . seek . June 22, 2010 at 10:55 pm #

    Hey Shelley! It’s good to see you back again, although I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling a bit 😦 Recovery is hard, and it takes a lot of time, unfortunately. Getting to a healthy weight is only half the battle; the real test is trying to overcome the disordered thoughts. But you’ve proven your strength countless times before, and judging from the goals you have written down, you seem to be well on your way to figuring out how to overcome this next challenge.

    You can do this, girl. It may take some time and effort, but look at how far you’ve come already and how much you’ve overcome up to this point. This is just another small battle, and the victory will be yours in the end ❀

  26. Katharina June 22, 2010 at 11:32 pm #

    Oh I wish I had known you’d be in Miami!! That’s so close to me πŸ˜€ I hope you enjoyed it though. Can’t wait for your recap.

    Your breakfasts look and sound especially appetizing. I just want a bowl of cold oats now lol.

    Anywho, I appreciate your honesty. Recovery is waaaaaaaaay way waaay more than weight. I can relate on trying to find a healthy balance in life between partying and… not lol. But my priority in the end is myself. Overall it’s just been really important to me to get my health at an optimal level after the years of damage I had done to it. But I also keep in mind that those nights of going out aren’t going to kill us (unless it happens every night lol). Do what feels right for YOU. Some nights I’m perfectly content being at home watching a movie, and some nights I just want to dance the night away. Another thing is overcoming the guilt. I think if you go into a situation with a mindset that you will be fine no matter what, it makes it a lot easier. And you can always always count on your support army as well if it just feels too hard to face the next day.

    XOXO

    http://www.ohonemorething.wordpress.com

  27. Lindsay June 23, 2010 at 12:06 am #

    I have missed your posts so much, but I am so glad that you took the time you needed to figure out where you are in recovery. I have also been struggling with ED for so long that I really dont know how to feel “normal” anymore and I so badly want that “normal” feeling back. I think that as long as all that struggle keep fighting and discussing our issues instead of taking out our emotions on food, then we are making HUGE steps towards recovery. I am so glad you are back and I will be reading often!! πŸ™‚

  28. Salah June 23, 2010 at 12:18 am #

    Girl! You are so strong and such an amazing person! Keep growing, and never look back and get discouraged, always look back to see how far you’ve come, and then just keep going forward!! You are such a positive role model for so many people out there, you have proven even though its a difficult road, recovery IS possible!

  29. Kerry June 23, 2010 at 1:20 am #

    Aww you will get through this. It is tough but at least you have your mum she sounds so supportive! We will help you aswell πŸ™‚ Stay strong xxx

  30. squigglefloey June 23, 2010 at 2:12 am #

    I definitely understand what you’re feeling! I feel like you’ve written so many things that I myself an confused about feeling.
    Hang in there and definitely blog more if that’s helping you, because it’s helping others (like myself) understand their own EDs better!

    – floey

    πŸ™‚ stay strong lovely!

  31. Annie June 23, 2010 at 2:53 am #

    first of all, you are so so gorgeous my dear!!
    But I can so relate…going out and drinking and doing typical college stuff freaks me out. I am getting better about it though. Going out and having fun with friends and just not worrying about weight/calories/numbers makes for a so much more enjoyable time

  32. Katie June 23, 2010 at 5:19 am #

    I don’t drink (not necessary a calorie thing, but more a life choice) and I don’t go out. I’m also 20. I’m so afraid if I do I’ll lose control of everything. I thrive on routine but right now it’s not a routine it’s a boring schedule! I have been struggling taking in compliments etc. It’s hard I am probably as close to or at my goal weight (never went to therapy not sure what it should be!), but I still have crying jags after a binge and definitely still have the anorexic mindset. I am told by a good friend it gets easier after time and I am hoping that’s true. Hang in there and know you’re beautiful!

  33. julia June 23, 2010 at 5:20 am #

    Glad to see a new post, I was a bit worried. Looks like an amazing time and can’t wait to hear more. Delicious eats too, and…

    I totally understand. This IS one of the hardest moments in recovery. That last bit of ED is trying to get a grip, but you can’t give in. I know you’re strong and you will truly overcome this. Accept the feelings and do the right things. Be a bit relaxed, not everything has to be perfect, a little ‘overboard’ isn’t a reason to restrict the next day. Sometimes it helps me to think about myself a few years ago: what would I choose/do then? Those choices weren’t made because of ED and sometimes that can put things in a new perspective…

    Good luck, I am there, OK?!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  34. Cassie June 23, 2010 at 7:53 am #

    My. girl.

    I hate so much that you’re having some struggles, but I’m SO PROUD of you for putting it out there. Gosh it’s scary isn’t it? But like you said, there are girls out there who will read this, and think, “Thank God I’m not the only one.” You are so brave and strong, and for this reason, I *know* you will regain your confidence in recovery.

    I 100% agree that maintenance is the hardest part. I’ve actually never heard that before, but I’m relieved to, as I’ve had my hardest times AFTER I thought I was recovered.

    You seriously remind me so much of myself, Shelley. We will fight together!

    The goals you’ve set for yourself are awesome; ATTACK them, lady! πŸ™‚

  35. nattietan June 23, 2010 at 8:24 am #

    I can totally identify with what you’re going through hun and all I can say is you’re not alone. But please, don’t let yourself fall because the work to get back on track is really a lot more difficult with each subsequent time.

    Shelley, you look gorgeous but you have to believe it. I know it’s tough – all this confusion and while our bodies can be restored, healing our minds is always a little more complicated. You have such strong support from your family, from friends, from us. It will take time but I know you can get through this.

    Stay strong and true to yourself. It is ok and normal to struggle and I’m glad you’re able to acknowledge that because you can only get stronger from here! You definitely have my support!!

    Much love
    Nat xoxo

  36. blueeyedheart June 23, 2010 at 9:56 am #

    I’ve missed your updates! I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling some, but I’m glad that you’re acknowledging it instead of trying to just push it away or pretend it doesn’t exist. There are so many people rooting for you, and you can do this!

    ❀ ❀

  37. cardiopizza June 23, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    I love your honesty and it’s great you have made some realizations about recovery and trying to find “balance” (I personally don’t think there is a perfect balance, it really is something you have to think about each day!).

    Glad to see you back, I always look forward to your posts πŸ™‚

  38. Ilana June 23, 2010 at 10:42 am #

    Girlie, I know. I KNOW. You have so much in your head, so many things from the past, so much from where you think you “should be” – when in reality there is no RIGHT answer. It’s okay to go out and drink to much one night even if that’s goodness knows how many calories and probably horrible for your body. It’s okay to eat a whole box of cookies in one sitting – honestly … nothing bad is going to happen. I’ve BEEN THERE. And it’s even worse if you consciously try to restrict the next day, right, because you’re HUNGRY and ANGRY and just miserable because you feel like you made a bad choice and you need to make up for it/punish yourself for slipping up/whatever. I know. And I know how hard it is to let go of the past. These voices, these things that you let define who you were… But that you’re aware of it, that you KNOW, that’s the strength.
    I’m not going to lie. Every day isn’t perfect for me – sometimes I do things I’m still not proud of. But compared to where I was even just six months ago, when I decided I wanted to change, or a year ago, when I was so far gone into myself that I couldn’t even fathom changing – well…it’s powerful.
    You’re fabulous. Keep kicking ass!

  39. Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine June 23, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    So glad you’re back!! I feel like I’m in a very similar place to you right now…I know what I need to do, I know what’s healthy, but sometimes I still deal with that guilt or feelings of inadequacy. I just want to get back to the point where I can enjoy food as a part of life, indulge when I want, eat healthily when I want, and not let ED be any part of that. You are so brave for sharing all of this…both of us can do this πŸ™‚ Stay strong girl, and keep being the beautiful girl that you are!! xoxo

  40. featheredfiends June 23, 2010 at 11:33 am #

    Your food looks amazing and looks like your journey is going so well.

    Well done!

    Marianne

  41. Gina G June 23, 2010 at 12:07 pm #

    Shelley soooo many of us are/have been in the same boat as you! i still struggle myself with those thoughts, but when it comes down to it i try to remind myself that no one else cares whether i over did it or not because i was allowing myself to live! Life isn’t gonna stop just because we are choosing to enjoy ourselves, I constantly tell myself that the guilt will not be this powerful forever. That the more i fight it, the sooner I will be liberated (not completely ofcourse but to a good extent)! love yourself Shelley, we all adore you and are right behind you πŸ™‚

  42. beccaandspice June 23, 2010 at 2:49 pm #

    #1 — i absolutely ADORE that your mom wrote on your blog. wow, it must be so great to be able to share this with your family and have them there to support you.
    #2 — the fact that you recognize your struggling is a step forward in and of itself. recovery is a lifelong process. every morning, we must wake up and chose recovery. every single day. yes, it will get EASIER to make the right choice. but that choice will always be there and it will always be yours.
    stay strong and keep fighting this girl. you can do this :] i have so much faith in you.

    love you!
    xx
    becca

  43. Naomi (onefitfoodie) June 23, 2010 at 4:31 pm #

    i always love your honesty and throwing it all out there…commiting yourself is key and you wrote out some great goals you can def achieve!

    that drink in the last pic looks so fun!

    xoxoxo glad you’re back!

  44. Kelly June 23, 2010 at 5:29 pm #

    Hang in there Shelley! You will beat this! I am 100% confident. The best thing you can do is be honest with yourself and with your support system. Do NOT feel ashamed. This is not your fault, you did not ask for this, and one day you will look back on your struggles and your failures and realize that everything you go through only serves to make you a better person! πŸ™‚

  45. Laury @thefitnessriot June 23, 2010 at 6:37 pm #

    Hey there…you are so brave for posting all of this. Your story sounds just like me a few years ago. Those thoughts are always in the back of your mind…but I promise it gets more and more faint as time goes on..it seems like you have a great support system. Stay strong. You’re beautiful!

  46. Katey June 23, 2010 at 6:52 pm #

    Shelley- A lot of us feel the same way. sure I am weight restored, but my mentality is DEFIANTLY not “recovered” I still struggle on almost a daily basis. I don’t have a set meal plan, but I do have a set caloric limit.. and I know its still a little disordered to count, but I do. Not only because I have less anxiety, but also so I know I am on track. I wish I had an exchange meal plan, it would make life easier, but I can’t afford to see a nutritionist right now. I’m hoping my school next semester will have one, but I don’t know. You have come SO far, this is just a bump in the road for you, I know that you will make it through this. You are strong!

  47. kelsey@snackingsquirrel.com June 23, 2010 at 7:28 pm #

    omg Shelley! im freaking out and cant wait for ur post on Canyon Ranch. im so super envious that u went to Miami !!! kk and the preview pics are totally exciting!

    oOoo those chickenless strips caught my attention! yummy πŸ™‚

    xoxo ❀

  48. dmcgirl37 June 23, 2010 at 8:29 pm #

    Shell,

    I cant relate to this so much…The problem is that eating disorders are mental illnesses and weight restoration DOESNT and WILL NOT solve the problem. I’ve relapsed more than once and this is why. I’m going to really put a focus on digging to the root of my I’m unhappy with my body. also, trying to find out why I find the need to obsess about food when times get tough. Why I feel guilt and the need to do things perfectly. Positive body image doesnt happen with weight restoration (i’ve learned the hard way). We need to work on it ourselves and then it will come.

    Dont feel ashamed or guilty though..It’s easy to think that once were weight restored we are recovered. Unfortunately, that is sooooo sooo sooooo far from the truth…You can get threw this though, just remember what your working towards, that always helps me.

    You dont have to choose between a healthy life and a college students like. Just choice to be happy with whatever it is your doing. Learn to love yourself however you are and what your ‘doing’ and how you ‘living’ wont really matter..This is what i’m working towards..

    You look beautiful as always in those pictures!

    Dana xoxo
    http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/

  49. Janie June 23, 2010 at 10:00 pm #

    everything you’re going through is normal. normal part of the process of recovering from this abnormal illness.
    keep being honest.

    xxoo

  50. justjac June 23, 2010 at 10:40 pm #

    WOw Shelly. You are so open and honest. I’m so proud of you for posting this, but seriously I think you are not alone–so many girls (and guys!) feel guilty/emotional due to drinking binges, restricting, emotions in general… we’re all here for you though and I’m glad you’re back! Seriously anytime you wanna talk! πŸ˜‰

  51. Lauren @ BIOCHEMISTA June 24, 2010 at 11:34 am #

    Shelley,

    You are so amazing and SUCH an inspiration. You’re ability to be SO HONEST with yourself is incredible. As long as you allow these feelings/thoughts to surface (and process them) rather than tucking them far away and ignoring the ‘red flags’ – you’re on the right path.

    No one said recovery was easy, but just look HOW FAR you’ve come. You are truly a wonderful woman and I know you will get through this.

    Have a great day love! XOXOXOXOX

  52. highonhealthy June 24, 2010 at 1:51 pm #

    I’m really glad you shared this Shelley because the thing is, the majority of people recovering from ED’s deal with this – the thoughts, the restricting, the confusion. I’ve been trying to balance hanging out and partying with my friends and maintaining a healthy lifestyle and I know that it isn’t always easy. The main thing is that you are acknowledging the fact that you are struggling and with that awareness, you will be able to fix things. I struggle every.single.day but you know what? It’s totally worth it.

    Life is about living and having fun. It’s about having amazing experiences and doing the things you love. Keep pushing forward because you are doing SO great and every time I read your blog, you inspire me to keep fighting too. πŸ™‚

  53. izzy June 24, 2010 at 3:15 pm #

    Yayy youre back!!! ANd your eats…look simply amazeeeing.

    Hun, don’t be ashamed that you still struggle. No one judges here, mostly because we all go through the same thoughts, emotions and actions. Have I gone out and tried to “exercise it off”? Uhmm hells yes. It’s those things that youre working to overcome and it doesnt happen overnight. But youre on an amazing path and doing, SO, SO well so far!

    Plus kudos on your action plan. I made a concrete list after I started slipping right at the end of school last semester that allowed me to see where I needed to improve myself and used my blog to keep myself accountable. Remember, it’s not just about being honest with your readers – it’s about not cheating and being honest with YOURSELF!

    Can’t wait to hear more about your adventures at the resort!
    izzyy
    xoxox

  54. therabbitrunner June 24, 2010 at 6:21 pm #

    Shelly what I love most about your blog is your honesty and your strength. Seriously, you amaze/inspire me. I think it takes a lot to realize what you need to do for your health and you always take measures to make sure they are met, but you still know how to have fun. It makes me sad to hear that your struggling, but knowing you, you will get right back on track πŸ™‚ keep it up girl! glad to hear you’ll be blogging more too!

  55. Megan June 25, 2010 at 8:29 am #

    I love your honesty, and this post was so relatable. Just remember you are not alone in this and you CAN beat it! You deserve to live a happy and restriction-free life! I’m looking forward to more blog posts from you love πŸ™‚

  56. Kate June 25, 2010 at 8:11 pm #

    yet another great post. i am seriously so impressed by your honesty. love love love it! hope you are doing well and i’m jealous that you got to go to canyon ranch! that place sounds amazing!

  57. shesarunner June 25, 2010 at 9:13 pm #

    I really relate to this. I have similar struggles. Honestly, I wish that my weight gain process was slower than it was…it felt rushed…the first time I went through weight restoration was in an inpatient program and I had to put on weight SO quickly (3+ pounds per week) before my mind could catch up with what my body was doing. It really threw me for a loop. Recovery is about so much more than just weight gain. You don’t reach your set point and then everything is automatically fixed, you don’t just feel better right away. And things are never perfect. I definitely went through binges and restricting, and I still constantly worry about my weight. I also relapsed a few times. I’ve realized that the key to NOT relapsing is to know that it is okay to not be “fully recovered”…we just need to have plans and support systems in place so that we can eventually get to where we want to be…and so that we don’t slip back into old patterns. It can be dangerous to have the thoughts, but if we know how to fight them we will be able to stay strong. It looks like you have a lot of amazing goals and a wonderful family to support you, and that is a gift like no other. You are also a beautiful person- a gorgeous girl with a big heart and I hope you continue to do whatever is helpful to you at this time. And thank you for your honesty, it definitely takes courage.

  58. Danielle (Runs on Green) June 26, 2010 at 6:14 pm #

    I know admitting those things must have been scary so I’m really proud of you πŸ™‚

    I think it’s great that you want to share your struggles. There are girls reading your blog that are going through the same thing…and to lie and paint a perfect picture of recovery would be misleading!

    You should never, ever feel ashamed over this. You are a strong & intelligent girl and I know you have more growing to do πŸ™‚ (<– that's metaphoric!)

  59. Jill@MySoCalledHealthLife June 26, 2010 at 11:16 pm #

    I have been keeping up with you but not doing as much commenting (sorry; I used to be quarterlifewellness but have a new blog now).

    I had to comment on this one because you are an exceptional young woman and I know you can get past this. It HONESTLY took me on and off for YEARS to fully feel like I was completely recovered. Even times when I was eating well I didn’t really consider myself recovered because I was still having those creeping thoughts. The point it, you can do it, and you will do it. It may take awhile, but believe it or not, when it’s all said and done you will be stronger than you EVER thought you could be and feel weirdly empowered that you faced such tough times and eventually were able to tell them to f-off πŸ˜‰

    Love you girl!

  60. solskinn88 June 27, 2010 at 12:53 pm #

    Shelley,
    I am so proud of you. To be honest in struggles takes a lot of courage, and it also express a genuine desire to move forward, to overcome the challenges.
    I have yet to reach the point of maintaince, so I can only imagine the struggles involved.
    You are left without a plan, something that has provided a sense of security and stability in your existence for long. It is time to find out how to live life, how do you want Shelleys life to be?
    What will your priorities be, how do you want your attitude towards life and self to be. All these questions that needs to be worked out through exposure to life. Through living life you will learn to live.
    It is hard to be surrounded by “regular” people, with different struggles than your own. It is easy and natural to feel alone, that you have no one to share your feelings and views of life with.

    I know you will find the balance you are seeking. With time you will. Do not give up, this is a new stage of the process of recovery. New battles, new changes, but you will grow from these as well. You are building your life, Shelley. It is not easy, but it is worth it. Take it step by step, and never forget to feel incredibly proud of the person you are.

    Hedda.

  61. Simply Life June 30, 2010 at 7:51 am #

    All those salads look sooo good!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. To Be Honest…. | Finding Happiness and Health - June 30, 2011

    […] Last summer I remember I posted a couple times about binge /over-eating episodes followed by restrictions and my confusion about […]

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