I didn’t intend to totally disappear. To be honest, I kind of thought that I just needed a few days to relax/cope with everything and then i’d be back. Turns out a little bit more than that was needed.
I’m really sorry if I made any of you worry because I am doing fine. As much as I LOVE being honest on this blog, there is a certain level of privacy i’d like to maintain and I hope you all can understand that (i.e., please no curious e-mails/formspring questions about this- prob will anyways). Gardner & I broke up and though I know this is the best thing for both of us right now, it is incredibly difficult. He was, as you all know, a huge part of my life and learning to live without him is going to take a lot of time.
To be honest, there is absolutely no way I could have posted until now even if I had wanted to. Despite all the positive pieces of advice I was given that I knew were true, I just couldn’t allow myself to fully believe any of it. Finally, I truly am starting to believe in the things that I know I would tell someone else in my position.
I still feel a bit awkward writing this post because I do not necessarily want to divulge the whole “story” of what happened (and I also don’t think there is any possible way I could). I hate to leave people wondering but at the same time it is my life and if you spend this much time wondering about my break up then you should find something else to do with your time (I mean that in the nicest way possible haha).
The fact of the matter is that when I first realized we were done, I freaked out. This was all so unexpected and I couldn’t help but wonder: How will I live without Gardner? He was my best friend, confidant, partner in crime, etc. etc. I cried & cried & cried and mean while I was told millions of things like:
“Let him go, if it is meant to be it will be.” &
“Take this time to do something for yourself!”
& “This is your chance to be single & go out and have fun.”
and despite how true I knew all of this advice was, I was really not into hearing it. On top of all of that, I had to deal with the last week and a half of Humorology (what I had put the whole year into) & 8 hour practices a day. I was furious I couldn’t enjoy it to the fullest but I tried my best. I was a true human rollercoaster of emotions. but now, after about two weeks of this, i’m fine. I’m not claiming that there aren’t times where I am sad anymore, but I am truly at peace with the situation.
I need to take this time and rebuild my relationship with myself. I have been with Gardner for so long and I need to know that I can be okay without him. I need to prove to myself, my family, & my friends that I can stand-alone and I can stand strong. and i will.
“There are things we don’t want to happen, but have to accept.
Things we don’t want to know, but have to learn.
And people we don’t want to lose, but have to let go.”
I am NOT a bad person. I DO NOT deserve to be unhappy. I honestly believe there is a reason for all of this and I can’t wait to find out the amazing things that lie ahead for me. When one door closes, one more opens. I could sit here and wish I would have done things differently- been less selfish, been more attentive, etc. but that will not get me anywhere. I am going forward while looking back as little as possible.
You ask me about regret? Let me tell you a few things about regret, my darling. There is no end to it. You cannot find the beginning of the chain that brough us from here to there. Should you regret the whole chain, and the air in between, or each link separately, as if you could uncouple them? Do you regret the beginning which ended so badly, or just the ending itself?
In terms of recovery, this is a HUGE challenge but I am embracing it as much as possible. By not being with Gardner, I am eating more meals with my friends and doing things outside of my comfort zone (read: a hugeee sub from Jimmy John’s & Ian’s Pizza). I am living life a bit more on the edge than before and am trying my best to enjoy it.
AND…….. WE WON HUMOROLOGY!!!!! YAAA AXO/SIGEP! I know you all are probably ridiculously confused about humorology, but if you are really curious just check out this site —> HUMO
so yeah, I guess my point is…. things haven’t been soooooo bad 🙂
But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you’ll get through this, too.
“Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly, love deeply and forgive quickly. Take chances, give everything, have no regrets and forget the bad in the past. Just remember what all it taught you.”
love you all, so glad to be back. Hope you’ll accept me again!!