Warning: this post is not going to have pictures & it is not particularly positive. Sorry in advance for rambling, and feel free to ignore this one if ya want 🙂 I will not be offended
Something that I have recently become interested (obviously because of my ed) in is how eating disorders start. If someone were to ask me this question months ago, I probably would simply say that my eating disorder was a result of wanting to be the “best” and as “beautiful” as the women on ads and on tv. However, the more I think about it and the more i’ve talked it out with therapists, the more I am starting to think that there is a deeper cause. Sure, I simply wanted to lose a few pounds, but why wasn’t I satisfied with myself as I was? I was not overweight.
Another question I have been playing with in my head is if things like eating disorder are inevitable to certain people and/or personality types. Meaning, are they just waiting to emerge by some unknown trigger? I’m not sure. I do tend to go with the saying that “everything happens for a reason” & I do believe my eating disorder served a purpose, but exploring the trigger has been pretty revealing and fascinating to me.
I want to share something with you that I believe has contributed to shaping my eating disorder. This is something personal and it is something that I really do not feel comfortable going into detail about (i’m sorry, I will not answer questions about it on e-mail most likely) so a huge blank is going to be involved in this story but I truly believe this could be the trigger to my eating disorder and it is something I want to share.
I had attended the same private school since second grade. This school was everything to me- it was where my best friends were, it was where I learned to write cursive, multiply and divide, play field hockey, make friends, and even kiss boys. But for a reason I will not share, I was forced to switch schools for my senior year of high school and enter a public school that was much different from the school I had grown up at.
I was always a very confident person. I knew who my friends were at school (or so I thought), I tried hard in school and valued my grades, and I was involved in sports. I didn’t doubt my place or myself. I approached my new school with open arms, but I certainly felt out of my element. There was no field hockey team and so I made friends by being close with a girl who I had known from my temple (she reads my blog :] ). I am so lucky that I had her because she truly helped me survive that year. Thanks Leslie, you have no clue how much that meant to me. Despite this, I just wasn’t me.
I went through the year, maintaining a long distance relationship with Gardner, and though I felt happy at the time with my situation, I was really struggling. I slowly lost contact with almost all of my friends from my old school. People who I thought were my best friends seemed to be making little-to-no effort to stay in touch with me (i was only 10 minutes away) and they all seemed so happy.
They were doing all of the things that I had looked forward to for so long (literally since 2nd grade).
They had kindergarten buddies. They got to leave campus for lunch. They got to occupy the senior lounge. They got to have senior night for their sporting events. They went on senior trip. They had senior project. They graduated in beautiful white dresses.
& I had to just watch.
I tried to go on with my life and I convinced myself that I was ok. I convinced myself that I didn’t need those people and that I was happy at my new school. The truth was, I was hurting badly.
In the meantime, I decided I wanted to lose some weight to look better/feel better/whatever. & you know how that goes.
I don’t know for sure if these two things are related whatsoever but I do know that I felt much more unsure about who I was around the time I started toying with the idea of weight loss.
Writing this is hard for me. The whole experience of switching schools (for reasons I wish I felt comfortable sharing) took a huge toll on my family (my sister switched too) and I know that I put them through a lot. To be honest, truly thinking about this experience still puts tears in my eyes and fills me with resentment and anger but the fact of the matter is, I believe everything happens for a reason.
Despite what people at my old school may have thought of me and my family (or still think of us), I know I am an intelligent, friendly, caring, genuine, and dedicated person and so are my family members. I know that we are good enough.
I don’t know if I would have gotten into my dream school (Wisconsin) if it wasn’t for the switch of schools. I don’t know if I would have had an eating disorder (and that is ok- because like I said, I have learned a lot from it). I don’t know if I’d be the person who I was today. I don’t know where I’d be, and that is ok.
Even though I resent my eating disorder, it has taught me so much about myself. I wouldn’t change anything in my past and though it pains me to think of these past experiences, I will never regret anything and I will never let my resentment and bitterness rule my life again.
Do you believe something triggered your eating disorder if you have had one?
Do you think that certain people are predisposed to getting eating disorders?
If you read this, thank you so much for your time. This felt really good to get out. I urge you to think harder about what may have triggered your ed (if you have one) because sometimes knowing the source of a problem is just what it takes to fix it.
HAVE A GREAT REST OF YOUR WEEK!! i’ll have another post soon enough 🙂 love you all to pieces, you make my day!