Hola Chiquititas! (& Chiquititos?!)
You are all fab, I have to say. You sure do know how to bring a girl up if she is ever feeling down 🙂 Thanks so much! & I also appreciated some of the feedback I received as far as what you would like to see more of on the blog– someone requested some music, and I will be sure to include a song of the day at the end of each post now! I also will try to incorporate more of my struggles/thoughts with body image because as much as I wish they weren’t there, they are.
Today I had a pretty phenomenal day of eats, if i’m going to be honest with you all 🙂
Breakfast was- you’ll never guess- yoatgurt! 1 packet instant oats with a scoop of peanut butter cooked in, fage 2%, cinnamon crunch cereal, banana, & more peanut butter on top!
I went to zoology, music 101, & econ discussion. I am so relieved because I actually did really well on my music & econ midterms!! Yay 🙂 I def thought they were hard so I wasn’t sure what to expect.
I met my favorite person for lunch (Gar) and got my go-to meal of a turkey wrap with cheese, pretzels, apple & i had a full fat laughing cow cheese wedge for dippage.
I went to a therapist appointment (which I will talk about more later) & then made an INCREDIBLY successful stop at whole foods– heyy, don’t judge! It is across the street.. how could I not go– ok anyone want to join the whole-foods-aholic’s anonymous group? ayyy.
But I did manage to get all of these goods for a mere 18 dollars!! it was 4/$5 fage 2% (unpictured) & i also scored some dark chocolate dreams, veggie pirate’s booty, 3 different bars (2 balance bars, 1 cokie dough luna protein bar), and rice cakes!
I was so excited when I got back and saw I had a package. It was the Perfect Foods Bars that I won from Jocelyn’s giveaway! Thanks Jocelyn & the people from perfect foods :] Can’t wait to try these babies.
Tonight was dinner at the AXΩ house at 5:30 (soo early for me!!) but I challenged myself to just eat it, worry-free, and to actually even *gasp* enjoy it. These dinners cause me an absurd amount of anxiety because I have no clue what will be served. I ended up eating half of an egg roll, a decent portion of white rice, a wheat bread roll, a grilled chicken breast, a delicious salad with a type of asian dressing, and some steamed veggies – SUCCESS!
It was actually really good 🙂 I felt like I got in the proper amount of exchanges too!
I don’t have a picture, so i’ll instead show you dinner with Gardner at Mia Za’s last night 🙂 a huge salad with blue cheese, sun-dried tomato ranch dressing, broccoli, mandarin oranges, craisins, and tomatoes!
I realized I forgot to ask for meat! So I got a skim grande cafe au lait at a coffee shop to make up for my protein-lackage 🙂
After formal chapter I had to study study study! Snacks were necessary- I had the Mountain Mix Clif Mojo Bar & OMG this bar is amazinggg. I also ate a new rice cake with it! Seriously, if you haven’t had that bar- try it now.
I also drank a liter of water in approximately two hours. Woo. Go me.
SO…onto the more serious stuff.
Lately, I have had the mind-set that I am ed-free. I have been thinking that since I am at a healthier weight with so much more energy, I am fine! The truth is, though, that is just good-old Gerturde tricking me.
To be honest, Ed- thoughts are still there. Now, this doesn’t mean i’m going to act on them-NOOO way. But I am not going to lie and say that I haven’t been thinking them or that I am past that point in my recovery.
I explained to my therapist today that I literally notice two incredibly defined voices inside of my head in almost any given situation… Want some examples?
1) Act: Dinner at the sorority. my rational voice: Just go & enjoy it- who cares if you don’t know what it is? You’ll make it work! If you don’t like it, you can get something else later. Gertrude: But what if it is FRIED? Or what if it doesn’t make you full? Don’t eat it. —> Verdict: I won.
2) Act: Working out. my rational voice: Just do the recommended mile. You can’t do more yet, soon you will be able to, but for now a mile is enough. Gertrude: A mile is practically nothing. Nothing will happen to you if you go on the bike for ten minutes too. Verdict: to be honest, I went on the bike for 5 minutes… so lets call this one a tie.
3) Act: Snack time. my rational voice: Eat your snack, it is a part of your meal plan so you need it. Gertrude: Don’t eat it. You aren’t hungry and you already ate so much. Verdict: I won.
4) Act: Meal time. my rational voice: Eat your full meal that is prescribed to you. Look how much your meal plan has done for you! Gertrude: You aren’t the skinniest anymore and other people your size don’t eat this much, so you shouldn’t’ either. Verdict: I won.
5) Act: Possibility of trying a new food. My rational voice: Eat it! You think it sounds good and it fits into your meal plan, so no big deal! Gertrude: But what if you aren’t full? What if you feel bloated after? Just eat what is safe. Verdict: I’m going to have to give this one to Gertrude today..
These are just a few of the many mental struggles I have in any given day. Clearly, I win most of the time but that doesn’t mean it is not a problem. I know i’ve talked about this issue before, but lately the voices seem even more apparent and obvious. In a way I think this is a good thing because I am obviously noticing my own voice versus my eating disorder’s voice. At the same time, it pains me that I still have that stupid, Gertrude voice creeping in on a regular basis.
Basically, I’m starting to really resent Gertrude.
So what do I plan to do to fight her?
1. I came up with two goals with my therapist… one is to try a new food once a week and the other is to try a fear food once a week. I consider the fried egg roll a fear food, but I still plan to try another at some point this week.
2. Being more honest on this blog. I don’t feel I have been dishonest whatsoever, but I have been almost too positive lately for myself. I am totally on the road to recovery, but It really has benefitted me in the past to talk about my struggles and get your wonderful feedback, so I’m going to do it more often 🙂
Hope you have a great day!! & I hope if you are currently struggling, you know that you are worth it. You are beautiful and you deserve to radiate, smile, and truly live.
I miss you Brandi ❤ Never in vain & never forgotten.
Questions– 1) Do you notice two voices in your head (ed or not!)? If so, how do you fight that evil one off?
2) Interested in becoming a part of WFA (Whole foods-aholic anonymous)?? Contact me @ firstname.lastname@example.org — haha just kidddding! kind of.
Music of the Moment! This reminds me of Gardner 🙂 My Baby Blue by Dave Matthews Band