Confessions of a Whole Foods-Aholic

9 Mar

Hola Chiquititas! (& Chiquititos?!)

You are all fab, I have to say. You sure do know how to bring a girl up if she is ever feeling down πŸ™‚ Thanks so much! & I also appreciated some of the feedback I received as far as what you would like to see more of on the blog– someone requested some music, and I will be sure to include a song of the day at the end of each post now! I also will try to incorporate more of my struggles/thoughts with body image because as much as I wish they weren’t there, they are.

Today I had a pretty phenomenal day of eats, if i’m going to be honest with you all πŸ™‚

Breakfast was- you’ll never guess- yoatgurt! 1 packet instant oats with a scoop of peanut butter cooked in, fage 2%, cinnamon crunch cereal, banana, & more peanut butter on top!


I went to zoology, music 101, & econ discussion. I am so relieved because I actually did really well on my music & econ midterms!! Yay πŸ™‚ I def thought they were hard so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

I met my favorite person for lunch (Gar) and got my go-to meal of a turkey wrap with cheese, pretzels, apple & i had a full fat laughing cow cheese wedge for dippage.

I went to a therapist appointment (which I will talk about more later) & then made an INCREDIBLY successful stop at whole foods– heyy, don’t judge! It is across the street.. how could I not go– ok anyone want to join the whole-foods-aholic’s anonymous group? ayyy.

But I did manage to get all of these goods for a mere 18 dollars!! it was 4/$5 fage 2% (unpictured) & i also scored some dark chocolate dreams, veggie pirate’s booty, 3 different bars (2 balance bars, 1 cokie dough luna protein bar), and rice cakes!

I was so excited when I got back and saw I had a package. It was the Perfect Foods Bars that I won from Jocelyn’s giveaway! Thanks Jocelyn & the people from perfect foods :] Can’t wait to try these babies.

Tonight was dinner at the AXΩ house at 5:30 (soo early for me!!) but I challenged myself to just eat it, worry-free, and to actually even *gasp* enjoy it. These dinners cause me an absurd amount of anxiety because I have no clue what will be served. I ended up eating half of an egg roll, a decent portion of white rice, a wheat bread roll, a grilled chicken breast, a delicious salad with a type of asian dressing, and some steamed veggies – SUCCESS!

It was actually really good πŸ™‚ I felt like I got in the proper amount of exchanges too!

I don’t have a picture, so i’ll instead show you dinner with Gardner at Mia Za’s last night πŸ™‚ a huge salad with blue cheese, sun-dried tomato ranch dressing, broccoli, mandarin oranges, craisins, and tomatoes!

I realized I forgot to ask for meat! So I got a skim grande cafe au lait at a coffee shop to make up for my protein-lackage πŸ™‚

After formal chapter I had to study study study! Snacks were necessary- I had the Mountain Mix Clif Mojo Bar & OMG this bar is amazinggg. I also ate a new rice cake with it! Seriously, if you haven’t had that bar- try it now.

I also drank a liter of water in approximately two hours. Woo. Go me.

SO…onto the more serious stuff.

Lately, I have had the mind-set that I am ed-free. I have been thinking that since I am at a healthier weight with so much more energy, I am fine! The truth is, though, that is just good-old Gerturde tricking me.

To be honest, Ed- thoughts are still there. Now, this doesn’t mean i’m going to act on them-NOOO way. But I am not going to lie and say that I haven’t been thinking them or that I am past that point in my recovery.

I explained to my therapist today that I literally notice two incredibly defined voices inside of my head in almost any given situation… Want some examples?

1) Act: Dinner at the sorority. my rational voice: Just go & enjoy it- who cares if you don’t know what it is? You’ll make it work! If you don’t like it, you can get something else later. Gertrude: But what if it is FRIED? Or what if it doesn’t make you full? Don’t eat it. —> Verdict: I won.

2) Act: Working out. my rational voice: Just do the recommended mile. You can’t do more yet, soon you will be able to, but for now a mile is enough. Gertrude: A mile is practically nothing. Nothing will happen to you if you go on the bike for ten minutes too. Verdict: to be honest, I went on the bike for 5 minutes… so lets call this one a tie.

3) Act: Snack time. my rational voice: Eat your snack, it is a part of your meal plan so you need it. Gertrude: Don’t eat it. You aren’t hungry and you already ate so much. Verdict: I won.

4) Act: Meal time.Β my rational voice: Eat your full meal that is prescribed to you. Look how much your meal plan has done for you! Gertrude: You aren’t the skinniest anymore and other people your size don’t eat this much, so you shouldn’t’ either. Verdict: I won.

5) Act: Possibility of trying a new food. My rational voice: Eat it! You think it sounds good and it fits into your meal plan, so no big deal! Gertrude: But what if you aren’t full? What if you feel bloated after? Just eat what is safe. Verdict: I’m going to have to give this one to Gertrude today..

These are just a few of the many mental struggles I have in any given day. Clearly, I win most of the time but that doesn’t mean it is not a problem. I know i’ve talked about this issue before, but lately the voices seem even more apparent and obvious. In a way I think this is a good thing because I am obviously noticing my own voice versus my eating disorder’s voice. At the same time, it pains me that I still have that stupid, Gertrude voice creeping in on a regular basis.

Basically, I’m starting to really resent Gertrude.

So what do I plan to do to fight her?

THIS:

bahahah just kidding.

1. I came up with two goals with my therapist… one is to try a new food once a week and the other is to try a fear food once a week. I consider the fried egg roll a fear food, but I still plan to try another at some point this week.

2. Being more honest on this blog. I don’t feel I have been dishonest whatsoever, but I have been almost too positive lately for myself. I am totally on the road to recovery, but It really has benefitted me in the past to talk about my struggles and get your wonderful feedback, so I’m going to do it more often πŸ™‚


Hope you have a great day!! & I hope if you are currently struggling, you know that you are worth it. You are beautiful and you deserve to radiate, smile, and truly live.

I miss you Brandi ❀ Never in vain & never forgotten.


xoxoxoxoox

Shelleyβ™₯

Questions1) Do you notice two voices in your head (ed or not!)? If so, how do you fight that evil one off?

2) Interested in becoming a part of WFA (Whole foods-aholic anonymous)?? Contact me @ shell625@gmail.com — haha just kidddding! kind of.


Music of the Moment! This reminds me of Gardner πŸ™‚ My Baby Blue by Dave Matthews Band


[www.weheartit.com]

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86 Responses to “Confessions of a Whole Foods-Aholic”

  1. Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce March 9, 2010 at 2:36 am #

    i’m listening to DMB right now! “funny the way it is.” good song. i know what you mean about wanting to be more honest on the blog, i don’t intentionally LIE on my blog, i just tend to omit when i am feeling down…i feel like people don’t want to read negative thigns from me so i am compelled to keep it happy. but that defeats the purpose of blogging!! so we should both make an effort :). congrats on the dinner tonight, that is awesome!

  2. julia March 9, 2010 at 2:43 am #

    Recognize this and so proud of you for being this honest! Glad you’re winning most of the times and believe me…in a while you will be always winning! Challenging yourself is great and (as you maybe noticed) has been really helpful for me! Not easy, but soooo good!

    (And a bit of a warning about act 2: please be very careful with the exercise girl!)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  3. Averie (LoveVeggiesAndYoga) March 9, 2010 at 3:28 am #

    amazing post. I loved the gertrude part and that you’re realizing that life, ED, everything, it’s a work in progress. we’re never “there” with everything figured out b/c just about the time we think that, we are surely reminded we dont. It’s so big and awesome of you to admit that you’ve even a been a lil more positive than may be truly the real case. I think this is awesome.

    the Perfect Foods Bars i have heard great things about, keep us posted on those!

  4. jam March 9, 2010 at 3:38 am #

    i am also weight restored but defo still have some ed tendencies… i dont get the 2 voice thing (like…my ed says this or that was totally ed’s doing…cus i think its dumb. its all me cus its all in my own mind and one other real ppl are making me do these things. ha)…i stil follow a meal plan but i suppose its a doubled edged sword since before i pop anything into my mouth i will naturally thing if it fits into my meal plan, which is freakin annoying esp. when i eat out and when i go on holidays…its as if the meal plan is now controlling my life.
    anywayzz, hope u win yr battle against yr ed!

  5. Fi March 9, 2010 at 4:02 am #

    I totally know what u mean about the two voices, its ridiculous!! its almonst worse when u become aware that there is two voices because then the battle commences! ultimately though this is a good thing because it means u are trying to fight against it. Im like you in that sometimes it wins, sometimes I win. Its easy to go through a busy week when you have lots to do and the voice is quiet and easy to ignore because u are busy with other things. But I think its always important to be very aware of the voice and then do everything in your power to act against it. I think what helps me to fight it when I find it is becomeing very strong is to accept that right in that moment, I dont want to eat X or X amount, but Im going to do it anyway because this is what I need to do to recover. If I give in now, well then I am making things harder for myself the next time the ed voice comes around. You dont always have to 100% want to do it (although deep deep down you want to 100%), but as long as you do it, thats all that matters.
    I hope this makes sense!
    xxx

  6. Chillel March 9, 2010 at 4:47 am #

    I really admire your honesty love…
    In fact it’s enabled me to de-lurk.. πŸ™‚
    So muchos gracias..
    It takes alot of strength to be open with ourselves and others about the not-so-positive-and-fluffy things when it comes to recovery…But it’s all part of creating the secure foundations for our future health and happiness…and i really think that lies in being brave and being honst… So, go you!

    I battle my ED voice every day…but like you (in your examples) i find it helpful to challenge rather than try to ignore the irrational things my ED says to me…Slowly i believe we’ll wear down that voice until it’s silent…But until then..stay with it!… If we just ignore it i think we risk never really dealing with it and getting rid of it…
    …and we know how much ED’s love to talk…if we don’t challenge them now they’ll only rear their ugly heads and start their incessant chatter in the future…

    Anyhoo…That post was INSPIRING!
    Thank you..

    Much love..
    Chilly..x

  7. tatiannalives March 9, 2010 at 5:01 am #

    Oh my Gosh girl! How is it that you are always two steps ahead of me? I can relate SO well to this… the voices in my head used to be such a blur, but now I can actually differentiate between mine and ED’s. It IS a good thing, but it is frustrating to realize that we still have to tolerate such negative thoughts. I am starting to fall into the trap of feeling ED free even though I know that I am far from it.
    I think you goals are amazing, and I am going to try and follow your [amazing] example… I need to step out of my comfort zone if I am every truly going to beat this. You are so wonderful, Shelley! Don’t ever let Gertrude tell you that you aren’t worth it because it couldn’t be farther from the truth! Look how far you have come! Not only have you gained weight, you have gained life!
    ❀ Take care,
    Tat

  8. livelifeeatright March 9, 2010 at 6:08 am #

    I’m not sure if breakfast gets any better than yogurt, oats, peanut butter and bananas! I don’t understand people who skip breakfast…WHY would you want to miss out on something THAT good!! This looks like my typical school day food…I also LOVE hummus to my turkey in wraps it’s SO good! Ugh and I wiish I had a Whole Foods…I would totally commit to the Whole Foods Anonymous with you! I’m already a member of grocery shoppers anonymous but have NEVER been to a Whole Foods 😦
    Take care girl, and hope you have an amazing day!!

  9. nattietan March 9, 2010 at 6:16 am #

    I can definitely definitely identify with the two voices. My psychologist always tells me that once I’m at a healthy BMI, the ED voice will be edged out but sometimes, I still have my doubts. It’s tough trying to listen to myself and my body all the time, but each time ED pops up, I try to focus on recognising why it’s important for me to eat what I need, and a bit extra, in order to gain that last bit of weight.

    I don’t want to be hanging on to ED for the next I don’t know how many months or years anymore. I seem to unconsciously? be dragging out this last bit of recovery and I know I can’t keep going on like this. So yeah, I just remind myself that health is where I want to be whenever the evil voice kicks in.

    Thanks for sharing with me about the girl in your dorm. It sucks to know that there are people who we know personally who may be suffering. And yet, to help may be detrimental to our own mental well-being. I remember you writing an entry on that before. =) I can totally identify with the feeling of wanting to help and yet, not wanting to either but I guess we’ve both done our part, now it’s we just have to hope and pray that they find their way out. Right now, let’s work on our own recovery and health!

    Much love,
    Nat
    xoxo

  10. hotsauceismypoison March 9, 2010 at 6:24 am #

    Yum, your Whole Foods loot looks great! Unfortunately there is no WF here in Australia so until I get my butt over to the US, I’ll be a happy supporter of Whole Foods anonymous! πŸ˜‰
    I think it’s great that you can easily distinguish between your rational voice, the truth, and Gertrude’s completely irrational voice. Gertrude no longer ‘rules’ you to the point where your own voice is unheard, and this is fantastic. But there is still work to be done, and the fact that you’re honest about this is testament to your strength and determination to rid yourself of Gertrude completely. πŸ™‚
    Your goal to try a new/fear food every week is really helpful to show you that absolutely NOTHING will happen if you eat something you don’t normally eat. Your ability to be so proactive is really inspiring!
    I definitely notice two different voices in my head. My own, and the ED’s. I basically tell myself (and ED) that I call the shots, that what I say goes. I won’t let myself be taken over by that horrible voice again.
    Oh btw, thank you for your comment I really appreciated it. πŸ™‚
    I totally agree with what you said about gaining above a BMI of 18.5, that’s why I didn’t switch to maintenance until I got to 19.5. I’m still even open to gaining a few and I have done so.
    Eeep, sorry for the long comment!
    Tina xx

  11. Lauren March 9, 2010 at 6:41 am #

    Hey girly!

    It’s so good to hear from you and I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to hear how well you are doing. These goals are awesome!!! (especially the egg roll one…I’m holding you to it! πŸ˜‰

    There are so many times when I wish I could just fast forward time and get to the place in life I desire to be, but I know that the journey is half the battle. It makes us stronger and when we do reach that place, we will appreciate it so much more.

    Take care love!

  12. Sara March 9, 2010 at 6:42 am #

    ahhhh Shelley, I feel the same way. I am at a healthy weight right now, yet I know that I am not fully “recovered.” I still struggle EVERY single day with body image….and I’ll admit, it really sucks sometimes to try on a pair of jeans that I loved last year that don’t even come close to fitting me anymore(I’ve been putting off getting some new clothes)…it’s so hard not to beat myself up about the way I look now…I just keep trying to be positive each day and look forward to other things. I don’t know if those voices will ever go away, but I do know that as time goes on I will be become more comfortable with myself.

    Much love,
    Sara

  13. LindsayRuns March 9, 2010 at 7:04 am #

    Way to go, sounds like you are doing great, even if you haven’t sprinted across that finish line yet. Just keep moving in the right direction!

    Love the music add!

  14. katie March 9, 2010 at 7:06 am #

    Please sign me up for the whole foods aholic because I am one for sure!!! I go there to get one thing and then see something new, or something I never tried and buy it, so I come out with a cart full of goodies, I also just go there when I DON’T need anything, I just go to wander and enjoy whole foods heaven! lol!!

    Im loving the eats, that Mojo bar is my fave hands down !!! Love it!! I got Mike hooked on those too last year!

    Yay for doing well on your music and econ midterms!!!!! Congrats love!!!

    Have a great day! xoxo

  15. Lily @ Lily's Health Pad March 9, 2010 at 7:22 am #

    Shelley you are SO CLOSE to beating this thing. I’m so proud of you! It is probably completely normal to feel this way about food during recovery. The wonderful thing about it is that you recognize what is going on, and you’ve come up with a game plan fix it!

  16. theemptynutjar March 9, 2010 at 7:57 am #

    with my money situation, its a good thing i have no whole foods near me!!

    keep winning shelley !!

  17. quarterlifewellness March 9, 2010 at 8:10 am #

    Hey girl! I love that you’re AXO like me; I like you even more now! haha. πŸ™‚ *Noodle does too!

    All I have to say is don’t be afraid of the voices. I have been without an ED for years and I still have voices, but that doesn’t mean I still have an ED or I am going to act on them. Sometimes it’s empowering to hear them and get to be like “screw you!!!!”

    Also, it’s a blessing in disguise for my wallet that there is no whole foods near me!!

  18. rebecca lustig March 9, 2010 at 8:39 am #

    I definitely understand where you’re coming from. I have this new attitude of “i’m not sick” anymore– rather, I’m getting better, healthier and back to the old me. The more I experience, laugh and love the more I resent those voices that pop up in my head. Those voices aren’t me, they are my demons. I just try to keep them separated and follow my gut.

    I think the most important thing to do is recognize, accept and distract from “those thoughts”.

    love you girlll ❀

  19. Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine March 9, 2010 at 8:43 am #

    First of all, those Mojo bars are AMAZING! And congrats to you on leaving WF only $18 poorer. I can do more damage in there than in a shoe store, haha. I totally need WFA!

    I think the “ED” voice takes years to go away, honestly. The difference between HAVING and ED and RECOVERING from an ED is being able to distinguish that voice, and not acting on it. I still find myself battling that extra spoonful of PB sometimes, and I’ll admit, I sometimes have to really convince myself to eat those extra 500 cals when I take a long training run. But those little victories add up, you know what I mean? Every time you tell ED to go to hell, it makes that voice a teeny bit weaker πŸ™‚ I don’t go into a lot of this stuff on my blog, either, because it no longer interferes with my life, and I’ve always felt weird writing about my emotions, but I’m really glad you brought this up πŸ™‚ Have a great day girl!

  20. Naomi (onefitfoodie) March 9, 2010 at 8:53 am #

    hey love! although gertrude did win on some of those things you mentioned you are still do MILES better and I think overall are winning in general. Trying new foods seems to be something that is somewhat difficult for you, I would suggest trying different things not all at once. Try something new with a meal that you know are comfortable with already!

    wow only 18 at whole foods, I am SO impressed I walk out of there with nothing less than 30 minimum and what is your sercret?! πŸ˜‰

    have a wonderful day girl! πŸ™‚

  21. Amanda @ . seek . March 9, 2010 at 9:13 am #

    Love your honesty, Shelley. Recovery is a lot more complex than simply restoring weight; it’s learning how to be “normal” around food again. I struggle with two distinct voices in my head as well. At first it was hard to tell which one was mine and which one belonged to my ED, and it can be so frustrating to constantly have to be on guard to protect myself from ED thoughts. But I have faith that the more times our thoughts WIN, the quieter the ED thoughts will get.

    You’re doing amazing, hun. Keep kickin’ butt!

  22. Missy Maintains March 9, 2010 at 9:15 am #

    Thanks for sharing all of these. You have come really far but I think it will help to be completely honest when the voice creaps back in. Trying new foods sounds like a great idea. I have the voice plenty of times. Mostly at night after dinner when the evil voice is telling me to eat 5 more snacks and the good voice is telling me I do not need it and will feel like crap the next day. Sometimes I beat it and sometimes I don’t. I’d talk about it more on my blog if my family did not judge me.

  23. Molly March 9, 2010 at 9:30 am #

    ah girl we are SO much alike! Are you sure we arent related?! I have those thoughts all the time too. Even though technically I am “recovered”. and to be honest, I dont think all those thoughts are going to go away 100%, unfortunately 😦 but it’s letting gertrude win that is what makes you not recovered. Even if it takes you waking up every day telling yourself you are stronger than anything that’s thrown at you, and then proving it…that’s the difference πŸ™‚

    p.s. I LOVE Dave Matthews. Almost a little too much πŸ˜‰

    Happy Tuesday girly!

    xo-Molly
    http://www.givinganythingbutup.wordpress.com

  24. Salah March 9, 2010 at 9:37 am #

    What a great post. You are truly an inspiration.

    1. I definitely have 2 voices in my head. Especially since I am trying to get into fitness modeling when it comes to taking a day off from working out or indulging in a margarita or some french fries I take a step back and think. When I think about my goal I usually will turn down the french fries…however, if my body is telling me to take a day of rest from working out I’ll usually end up taking the day off or I’ll just do something light. I think being a Health Promotions major and having the education that I have in complete health has really helped me stay centered during this whole process to becoming a fitness model. I think looking healthy and happy is most important when it comes to outward appearance. I also think that outward appearance reflects whats going on on the inside as well. So if I’m having a bad day etc. I don’t usually look that great….I think you get the point πŸ™‚

    2. I would LOVE to be apart of the WFA! lol but there isn’t a WH near me 😦 i know….so sad.

  25. Morgan March 9, 2010 at 9:41 am #

    You are totally kicking Gertrude’s butt! I think you are doing such a great job, I love reading about how strong you are!
    I am definitely a WFA member. I think I am moving back to Boston, and I can’t wait so I can be closer to one soon (closest is an hour and a half away!)
    I love DMB!

  26. Tori March 9, 2010 at 9:42 am #

    I think everyone has voices that tell them to do things. There’s always the ‘angel’ and ‘devil’ sitting on each shoulder right? Of course ED is the ‘devil’ shoulder. I’m sure as humans we will always hear those voices but the important thing is that we don’t act on them. It’s a daily struggle, but I know you can do it!!

    ❀ Tori

  27. The Candid RD March 9, 2010 at 9:48 am #

    Such a great post. You are so honest with yourself, I think it’s so helpful. I really think everyone has those “Two voices” that they are constantly trying to fight. It’s just how you deal with that “other” voice that really makes or breaks its power, you know? I try not to let the voice talk to me over and over, but instead make a decision ASAP, so as not to let that voice get to me.
    I think your goals sound fantastic. I like the first one a lot. That was something that really helped me when I was recovering. I’ll never forget the day I added PB back into my life. Ohhhh what a beautiful day that was!

  28. Elise March 9, 2010 at 10:24 am #

    I definitely have two voices, but they BOTH SOUND LIKE ME!!!

    It’s hard for me to convince myself that my “gertrude” is actually not just myself, i think that’s why your approach to battling your disorder is different than mine. Have you read “life without ed”? That approach never really resonated with me because I can’t picture my own voice as an abusive boyfriend — my voice sounds just like me!

  29. Cassandra March 9, 2010 at 10:42 am #

    I don’t know how I silence the evil voice or bad voice.. I think I just zone out, It’s the worst feeling when that happens so I try to loose it, instead of falling prey to it.
    Whole foods for me is what gambling is for others…. hahaha it’s AWESOME yet Costly!!!! (except I don’t gamble haha, does this analogy count then?)
    I love your sorority party costumes! πŸ™‚ it was probably a lot of fun just to play dress up*

  30. Karin March 9, 2010 at 10:50 am #

    Loved that post and especially the fact that you’re accept Gertrude as well instead of thinking that “everything’s fine”. Even though I eat healthy food I’m sometimes really scared of “bad” food too. Rarely but it happens.. What also scares me is the thin line between healthy eating and being obsessed with health.

  31. blueeyedheart March 9, 2010 at 10:50 am #

    There are definitely MORE than two voices in my head!! Not to make myself sound schizophrenic, or anything. πŸ˜‰ I think it’s good that you recognize that you’re not 100% ED-free yet, though; overconfidence can be a killer.

    I need to join WFA!

    ❀ ❀

  32. Michelle March 9, 2010 at 11:00 am #

    Good for you Shelley! Sounds like you have some great goals and definitely the determination to get past this!! πŸ™‚

  33. lowandbhold March 9, 2010 at 11:09 am #

    Thanks for being honest girl! It seems like you are doing really well even if there are still some times when things don’t go exactly according to plan.

    I have all kinds of voices in my head, haha. I talk to myself a lot.

  34. Maggie @ Fit.Fun.Food March 9, 2010 at 11:24 am #

    Wow! Just so you know, this is a great, very honest post and I understand exactly how you feel! It’s almost eerie how so many people can have the same negative thoughts and we still feel so alone sometimes. Keep working, girl! You’re doing great!

  35. glidingcalm March 9, 2010 at 11:31 am #

    Whole Foods just makes me feel happy inside ALWAYS. Esp. if you are traveling and in need of nourishment……it’s like……it’s like being welcomed back home for Christmas after eating dorm food for months. it’s amazinggggggggg

    egg roll YAYO

  36. ellie March 9, 2010 at 11:44 am #

    Sign me up for WFA! I think it’s a good thing I am living in Scotland now…though it means each time I go home to NY, I spent a lot of moolah there (and take an empty case with me so I can majorly stock up on good food!)

    Congrats on your mid-term results, and the dinner success!

    I think it’s AWESOME that you are going to be more open- recovery isn’t all sunshine and flowers, and verbalising the less-than-fabulous parts means recognising it, which means it’s less likely to trip you up because you know it’s Gertrude, if that makes sense πŸ™‚ I definitely struggle with seperating the two voices in my head (is this me/ED?!) but I think it gets easier the more you do it. And the more you listen to YOUR voice, the stronger it becomes πŸ˜€

  37. Danielle March 9, 2010 at 12:10 pm #

    I definitely have voices in my head (in a totally non-schizophrenic sort of way πŸ˜‰ ) But it’s pretty easy to distinguish “my voice” from the others. It sounds like you won a lot of your internal battles, so congrats πŸ˜€

    I’m glad there’s no Whole Foods near my house cuz I’d def. be joining WFA!

  38. ilanalala March 9, 2010 at 12:19 pm #

    Great post. We all struggle with multiple voices in our heads – I’m so happy for you that you are taking notice! Even if you don’t always come out on top, it’s an important step to recognize what thoughts are damaging and which are positive.

    And I am addicted to my local health food store (since Whole Foods is way far away from me). I go several times a week! I’m trying to quit the habit.

  39. Kelly March 9, 2010 at 12:37 pm #

    I think everyone deals with the voice of irrational though versus the voice of rational thought. It applies to all things…for some people it is food, for some it is exercise, for some it is about another phobia they have. I think it is natural. The good days are the days when we recognize the irrational thoughts and move forward but sometimes we let the irrational thoughts win and that’s okay too. Recognizing and dealing with it (like you are) is what means you are learning!

  40. Jenna March 9, 2010 at 1:19 pm #

    love the Whole Foods club shelley! so funny.
    i am glad you are recognizing the good voice vs. gertrude’s voice and i like how you came up with 2 new goals, i know you will be able to accomplish them πŸ™‚
    Jenna

  41. Gracie @ Girl Meets Health March 9, 2010 at 1:32 pm #

    Great post. It seems as though recognizing your voice and “Gertrude’s” voice is really helpful in continuing to overcome your ED.

    I’ve never really thought about whether or not I have 2 voices in my head. Heck, I probably have 5 πŸ˜›

    LoveloveLOVE Clif Mojo bars. So good!!

  42. chocolate pickle March 9, 2010 at 1:34 pm #

    First of all, LOVE Whole Foods too! and LOVE Mojo bars!!

    Secondly, it’s GREAT that you have been more positive lately, but you are still on a ROAD to recovery….meaning, it will take time. There are good days and not so good days, days when you feel totally free and days when you do “what’s safe.” Recognizing that there is a rational “you” and an irrational voice is a HUGE step, just remember that! BUT, you are still human and will probably take two steps forward, one step back every once in awhile! As time passes, the backward steps will become fewer and further between! All you can do is try your best every day to ignore the irrational voices and stay on course! The great thing about ED recovery is the KNOWLEDGE that you gain, insight that many other young women never will have. And knowledge is power! It gives you the strength to fight your irrational voices…..and if you are able to win MOST days, then that is a victory in and of itself!

  43. homecookedem March 9, 2010 at 4:08 pm #

    So glad that you’re winning out over Gertrude most of the time!! Keep fighting the fight!! πŸ™‚

  44. sarahdbelle March 9, 2010 at 4:25 pm #

    You’re doing great, Shelley, by simply acknowledging your rational voice verses Gertrude’s voice. So happy you won most days. Stay strong!
    Sarah

  45. balancingfoodandlife March 9, 2010 at 5:15 pm #

    I say we all gang up on gertrude and get rid of her.. are you with me on this? πŸ˜€
    personally the voice in my head says “EAT EAT EAT! Eat more! Your stomach only hurts a LITTLE. You’re only a LITTLE too full. It’s no big deal.. Just eat a couple more cookes”
    …………… quite annoying I have to say. It’s either that or it’s telling me not to eat anything.. although that voice never wins, ha!

    xoxox

  46. katyainsf March 9, 2010 at 5:40 pm #

    I definitely can discern between my Rational voice and Edward’s raspy little voice! And seriously, I can also write out distinct conversations between the two. Split personality much? Kidding! But seriously, I definitely have the same battles you do going on in my mind almost all the time. At least now it’s “almost” all the time and not ALL the time. πŸ™‚

  47. beccaandspice March 9, 2010 at 5:58 pm #

    i saw dmb in concert last year! so amazing ❀
    girl, it sounds like you have a RIGHT to be proud of the recovery you are making right now. you are making the right choices and fighting "gertrude" whenever you get the chance! hehe, can't get over that you call ED that. you are too adorable :] thanks for the lovely comment on my blog! stay strong and KEEP fighting. while it seems that you are homefree at the moment, ED loves to snatch this time to sneak back in so just be on the lookout!
    ❀

  48. Christine March 9, 2010 at 6:19 pm #

    You are very inspiring!!! I’ve stumbled upon this blog by accident, and I have been drawn to it ever since! (You’re a newly added bookmark on my Mac…)
    Just wanted to let you know that I’ve struggled with ED-like tendencies for a very long time, and what you’re doing is very inspiring and uplifting for me!! I know all about “fear foods”, and the constant battle with my two voices…. You’ve inspired me to try a fear food, myself, this week…. keep on keepin’ on!

  49. Morgan @ Healthy Happy Place March 9, 2010 at 6:59 pm #

    I struggled with a lot of the same things you are going through right now. You are doing SO WELL! My biggest problem was stopping exercise. I had a huge exercise compulsion along with my ED so that was tough..but I did it!! you’ve come a long way, don’t stop fighting!

  50. simplypresent March 9, 2010 at 7:05 pm #

    Today I had a Clif Mojo that was dipped in chocolate! I good mix of sweet/salty-ness!

  51. feetinmotion March 9, 2010 at 7:14 pm #

    I love whole foods! By the way, you won the snacktaxi giveaway on my blog so you should send your mailing address to me at dressesandsocks@yahoo.com

    πŸ˜€ YAY!

  52. Andrea March 9, 2010 at 7:46 pm #

    I think you should do a song of the day for every post!! Helps us all broaden our horizons πŸ™‚

    And maybe you could show us your outfits? I’m always lookin for new ideas!!

  53. Caitlyn (Letters from the Oasis) March 9, 2010 at 8:07 pm #

    great post. I totally have more than one voice in my head! Mine usually are about training… One voice tells me be lazy, the other voice tells me I’ll feel better to run. So I run… because I really am a B*tch if I don’t! haha!

    I like hearing about your struggles. I worry that my brother has an eating disorder sometimes… so I like to check in with your struggles and see if his seem similar. I think its so different for boys…

    Sign me up for the WholeFoods group!! πŸ™‚ I’m obsessed.

  54. Allyson March 9, 2010 at 8:56 pm #

    Sometimes the voice of ED makes me feel like a nut job, but I guess that being able to distinguish between his (for some reason my ED is a man) and my voice shows progress. Girl, you’re doing so well. You show that even though recovery is a constant battle; the battle is able to be won.

    BTW, MoJo Bars are AMAZING!! I love how they’re just like trail mix in bar form!

  55. Melissa S. March 9, 2010 at 9:46 pm #

    i seriously think you stole my thoughts right out of my head. i def do the same thing when i’m trying to come up with how to combat those kinds of thoughts, and enjoy what i’m doing and eating! kudos babe! you’re doing great!

  56. Emily March 9, 2010 at 9:55 pm #

    I have my own voice and ED’s voice fighting each other in my head, although I am making progress, there are still times where I give in to his temptations.

    seriously, if there was WFA, I’d be right there with you, girl πŸ™‚

    good job on everything! you are so amazing.

    xoxo

  57. imaginenamaste March 9, 2010 at 10:08 pm #

    I have many a conversations like that in my head. I call it Sara Head and ED head πŸ™‚ As much as it frustrates me to write them down, it helps me realize the ones where ED head has not won and I have made the right choice for me and to support me.

    I’ll join you in the Whole Foods group πŸ™‚ I always go to it at home even if there isn’t anything I really *need* but want πŸ™‚

  58. sophia March 9, 2010 at 10:09 pm #

    I’m with you on Whole Food-aholic, Shelley! Though, these days I don’t get to go so often because it’s no longer 1/2 mile away from me. 😦

    I think it’s GREAt that there is a constant battle, Shelley. At least that means you are fighting…yes, Gertrude sometimes wins…but I also see that your score is higher…and one day, Gertrude will be knocked off cold!

    Also, just a suggestion: why not try something besides wraps and salads when you eat out?

  59. jqlee March 9, 2010 at 10:14 pm #

    This is a really good post shelley. I notice some voices in my head sometimes too especially with exercise – I don’t know if it a good motivation thing or if I’m pushing myself too hard to do an extra mile. With food, there is also a little voice. Sometimes I think, you’re not hungry you don’t need that apple but then I think, it’s an apple!

    I’m happy for you that win most of your fights against Gertrude!

  60. jqlee March 9, 2010 at 10:18 pm #

    Perfect Food bars are AMAZING btw!

  61. Larissa March 9, 2010 at 10:27 pm #

    i really really like this post. you were so honest, such a hard thing to do! congrats on all your hard work and progess!

  62. kbwood March 9, 2010 at 10:43 pm #

    HEY S BABY!!
    you are soo awesome-eeeek those voices are so freaking annoying. i can promise you that the healthier you get, the less you will hear it! i barely hear it anymore, YES i do have hard days where its more than others but overall it will mostly go away! and its sooo worth it!
    thank YOU For your amazing comment-you are so aware of your exercise level and im soo thankful for that . and you ARE right, you will HAVE to give yourself a limit when you run more or else it will spiral downward and you will get addicted again. you DONT NEED THAT.. i suggest that if you cant stop at 3 miles then you need to stop all together! (thats the case with me) but as long as you keep being open about this and evaluating it, you are doing awesome!

  63. Kylee (Little Hat) March 9, 2010 at 10:53 pm #

    I wish we had a Whole Foods close by! I get so jealous ! I, too, have those two very clearly defined voices in my head. I really hate it 😦 The way you mapped it out like that is so exact to how it is.
    I love your goals girl! You’re doing fantastic! Love ya! -Kylee

  64. Molly March 10, 2010 at 12:34 am #

    I love DMB and music like such. Such good taste in music girl.

    I am so happy you posted this post. It is very heroic to be able to post such a personal struggle. I am glad you could analyze your day between you and your ED. I think you are such a strong girl.

  65. Sara K March 10, 2010 at 3:32 am #

    Yep I’ve definitely learned how to distinguish the two voices.
    I’m so glad to hear you being so honest and upfront about some of the struggles in recovery- it’s all about baby steps, and despite some small setbacks, you’re moving forward :). Reintroducing new foods is definitely scary at first- but gets so much easier with time

  66. tatiannalives March 10, 2010 at 4:44 am #

    Thanks for the amazing comment girl! As for the tahini… I don’t really know what brand to recommend because both of the ones I buy are Canadian companies and I don’t think they sell in the US! If you do end up buying it though, make sure you try it with something sweet because it’s pretty strong tasting πŸ™‚
    Thank you for being so concerned about my meals, but I want you to know that I am still following my meal plan and I rarely don’t make all the exchanges. It’s getting harder now that I am healthier, but you have proved to me that I just have to suck it up πŸ˜› LOVE you girl.. don’t worry about me!
    ❀ Tat

  67. Simply Life March 10, 2010 at 7:50 am #

    Great goals for yourself- I’ll be excited to see what new foods you try!

  68. kaitm March 10, 2010 at 10:21 am #

    Your posts always make me feel so much better. I have had every single one of those inner fights with myself. I love the challenges you are creating for yourself and the process you are making, its so inspiring!

  69. whydeprive March 10, 2010 at 1:00 pm #

    I still have that ED voice in my head. I think it will always be there. Over the years Ive learned to ignore it.

  70. one healthy apple March 10, 2010 at 1:35 pm #

    My name is Yelena and I’m a WFA. The first step is admitting, right?

    I am so proud of you for expressing your feelings and acknowledging the voice. I no longer struggle, but it’s hard to shut down any thoughts that are trying to bring me down, whatever they are.

    Onto food- your breakfasts flippin rock!

    Love you girl! XOXO

  71. Lizzy March 10, 2010 at 5:05 pm #

    LOVE your honesty! and your Whole Foods passion!! hehehe! I would join the club, but I work there so I think that deserves automatic entrance to the club because I can’t escape the amazingness of that store even if I wanted to! πŸ˜‰ I hope you’ve been having a great week girlie! xoxo!

  72. Emily March 10, 2010 at 5:17 pm #

    Hey girl! So glad to hear that everything is in order and you are doing your best to take the next steps and rid yourself of gertrude forevva!

    I can’t wait to hear about those bars that you won! πŸ˜€ I love bars! haha

  73. elleneatsbeats March 10, 2010 at 7:45 pm #

    Girl you have the most positive outlook on recovery. I wish I could have shown your blog to the girls I was in recovery with, you would have inspired them all!

  74. Jess March 10, 2010 at 10:17 pm #

    Fabulous goals! Thanks for showing us the voices in your heads–wow, that sounds so odd! But I think you know what I mean πŸ™‚

    Awesome eats–MUST try that breakfast!
    ❀ jess
    xoxo

  75. aletheiazoe March 10, 2010 at 11:55 pm #

    Hi Shelley, your note meant a lot to me. I’m glad I had the chance to sit down and catch up on all the missed posts! (I’m also relieved that I wasn’t the only one suffering from blog-abstinence! I’m actually scared to open my google reader at present.)

    I think it’s so cool that your recent posts document not your struggle with the ED per se (because I think you’re at the point where you KNOW and are determined that you want to – and will – get better) – but that they are also documenting your struggles with something that can be even trickier – recovery. I’ve read so many blogs written ED-strugglers; some of them make it, and some of them don’t. In my heart of hearts, I know that you will make it, Shelley.

    πŸ™‚ warm wishes,

    Aletheia

  76. Can You Stay for Dinner March 11, 2010 at 9:54 am #

    It’s true that the blog makes you feel like you should be sharing positivity. But I find it so much more interesting to read about someone’s true emotions.
    The thing I struggle with is what I should be doing versus what I want to be doing. I try to create a balance, but it’s hard to tune out the Type A side of me.
    I think your recognition of hearing more Gertrude thoughts lately is a clear indicator that you are becoming so much more aware of it. You are now at the point where you can differentiate between rational and irrational. Continuing to fight against that is so so beautiful!
    I would looove to join the Whole Foods-aholic group! I wish I didn’t love it so!
    Have a great week!!

  77. Jocelyn @ Peace.Love.Nutrition March 11, 2010 at 10:35 am #

    Hey girl!! So glad you got the bars : ) They are delicious!! Enjoy them.

    I definitely have 2 voices in my head…I’ve learned to quiet the ED one down…but it still pops up once in a while. So I have learned to control it more and not let it take over.

    Whole foods is AMAZING! What great treats : ) I live 3 blocks from one in NYC…I think i go there EVERY day! haha

    xo

    Jocelyn

  78. Nutritious Foodie March 11, 2010 at 12:44 pm #

    I wouldn’t be surprise if there is some sort of Wholefoods anonymus group on facebook…

    I loved this post and ready how you broke the facts in what your rational was…. this shows that you are a very mature person and have logical conversation with yourself.. and you should be proud of yourself.

    I do analyze everything.. and have pros and cons for everything.. most of the time though the final decision is based on my mood.. if I am in a chipper mood than the pros will always win… if I am in a pissy mood then the cons will win… right now i am having a lot of issues with my boss at work and trying to have postive thoughts about my work is near impossible.

  79. MelissaNibbles March 11, 2010 at 12:50 pm #

    I still struggle with having that voice in my head. Sometimes I’m alone and want to fall back into old habits, but I just immediately put a mental image into my head just how disgusting those old habits are and what they do to my insides. It’s a fight I’ll probably have forever…I just have to keep winning. Stay strong Shelley and thank you for being so open. It’s very helpful to everyone who reads your blog.

  80. Diane Doesn't Diet March 11, 2010 at 1:24 pm #

    LOVEEE DMB!

    You are so much stronger than Gertrude, you are a beautiful person inside & out and I know you can continue being successful on your journey. But you don’t need to hear that from me- judging by how well you’re doing, you already know that πŸ™‚

  81. Gabriela (froyolover) March 11, 2010 at 1:50 pm #

    Aww, Shelley…
    YouΒ΄re so brave, girl!
    IΒ΄m so proud of you for beeing so honest and fightning so hard against Gertrude!
    Nothing can stop you, sweetie. YouΒ΄re on the righ way πŸ™‚
    Love you!
    Have an amazing day!
    Brazilian XOXOΒ΄s,
    Gabriela

  82. Meg's Gut March 11, 2010 at 7:04 pm #

    i love the lundberg rice cakes, they’re so dense and flavourful – definitely does not fit the definition of a normal rice cake. Try the honey nut kind…really yummy, especially with nut butter and honey spread on top πŸ™‚

  83. Jessica (jesslikesithot) March 12, 2010 at 3:31 am #

    Hey cutiee!! Okay, so I firstly want to say THANK YOU for reminding me of the most fabulous combo ever–pretzels + laughing cow dippage. Ohh my gah, I had that everyday last year! Hahaha

    Secondly, I totally understand how nerve-wracking it is to eat a dinner that it totally out of your control, and so much earlier than what you’re used to…I used to freak out over those “early” sorority dinners all the time my frosh year Eating earlier just means less snackage between lunch and dinner and MORE after it!! It’s not such a bad trade off πŸ™‚ However, now is the time to double up that snackage before AND after! Why not?!

    And now I just enjoy what they serve and if something seems unappetizing i’ll just save room and plan on eating something extra RIGHT after its over!! You can always do that too, but its important to eat outside of your comfort zone as much as possible! I’m sure you’ve realized that all the other girls are eating plenty of it, and they’re thriving!!!!

    Oh, and totally sign me up for the Whole Food’s anons club. I’m obsessed, to put it lightly πŸ™‚

    XOXOXOX

  84. april March 12, 2010 at 3:21 pm #

    I must say that last picture is adorable! I think you should definitely do that to Gertrude!! LOL

  85. kayla March 13, 2010 at 2:31 am #

    you need to post stuff on hear about penut butter and mnt dew and crackers and reesecups….. thank you have a good day and god bless….

  86. Healthy Protein Bars May 11, 2010 at 2:49 pm #

    sour cream and onion chips are delicious!

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