So Late So Soon

2 Mar

“How did it get so late so soon?
It’s night before it’s afternoon.
December is here before it’s June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get
so late so soon?” – Dr. Seuss

Despite the fact that the above quote is from none other than Dr. Seuss, for some reason it always makes me a little sad.

Since I was young, I’ve always resented the fact that time flies. Sure there are times when I’m more than thrilled that time has “flewn”: like when an exam is over, a fight ends, Gardner gets back from being out of town, and so on, but at the same time it always makes me sad. It seems as though when we are living, we are constantly thinking about the next thing. We struggle so much to live in the present and appreciate what we have now because something better is going to hapen tomororw, the day after, the week after, the month after, etc.

Yes, I have this knowledge. Yes, I recognize the fact that I am constantly living for the next thing but I still struggle on a daily basis to actually change this. I can’t believe it is already March and my freshman year of college is just a couple months from being over. I am determined to make these last couple months last. How? I don’t know yet, but I do have some ideas.

1. Wake up every day and have my first thought be a positive one.

2. Do what Gertrude I want to do.

3. Laugh a lot.

Good plan, huh?

What helps you live in the present?

The past couple days have been decent. I FINALLY finished midterms so I have a couple weeks off until my next one!

Saturday night I was a sick girl with literally NO VOICE so I made the smart decision to stay in and relax. I made myself a little dorm-friendly dinner because everyone else was out (and understandably so!) of a sweet potato (micrwowaved) with laughing cow & cinnamon , veggie burger on sandwich thin, chobani 0% & some peanut butter

It was really delicious and it was nice to switch things up a bit.

I woke up Sunday and had a delicious breakfast- yoatgurt.

I was feeling sooo stuffed up/sick all day so I really didn’t have an appetite. Of course I still ate though!

The cafeteria had chicken dumpling soup which was perfect for how I was feeling! love my veggies 🙂 I had to study for music 101 all day and had two review sessions.

Yesterday I had a yogurt mess breakfast my fav !

fage, honey sunshine, 365 honey puffs, almond butter/cinnamon raisin pb, banana, & cinnamon- yummm. Took music exam- went pretty well I think!

Lunch was not very photogenic.. haha oh well!! I also had some pretzels/apple on the side 🙂

Since yesterday was me & Gar’s two year, we decided to go out to dinner. We didn’t want to do anything too fancy since we just did for Valentine’s Day but I did some research and decided to go to a restaurant called Bluephie’s! Their ‘motto’ is “we’re serious about fun food” & they have tons of different options!

We both started with butternut squash soup 🙂 It was delicious & very thick!

I chose the southwestern crab cake salad complete with goat cheese (my favorite cheese!), guacamole, spiced pecans, & a smoked jalapeno viniagrette dressing- DELICIOUS.

Gardner opted for fish tacos that consisted of flour tortillas with blackened salmon and asian slaw

We both loved our dishes and were really happy with the restaurant! It was something fun & different.

I was so tired and just lounged around for the rest of the night.

I’m not going to lie- the combination of me being sick/recent weight gain/loss of a friend led me to a couple “fat days” the past couple days. I was starting to get really anxious because I was so angry that I was feeling this way. I thought I was past those days by now. After talking it out, I realized that all women have “fat days” and the most important thing is that the feeling that I am bound to get on some days doesn’t change the fact that I am properly nourishing myself and that I am listening to my body (meaning- resting if I am tired/sick, etc.). It is ok to have days like that, and today I am feeling 95% better!

Another thing I wanted to mention is the power of words. It is interesting how with an eating disorder, certain words have different meanings. I had a friend from home text me after seeing recent facebook pictures and say I just wanted to tell you how healthy you look! I am so happy for you

Of course this was intended to be a compliment, but as soon as I read that I thought “So i look fat….” I mean- why HEALTHY? why not beautiful or pretty? I know how dumb it is, but the word healthy in that context to me means that I look like i’ve gained a bunch of weight.

Do certain words make you feel badly, even if they are intended to be positive?

On another. ed-free note, this weekend my sorority has another social 🙂 The theme is “my roommate made me wear it” so basically we are just supposed to dress totally crazy. Definitely expect/look forward to pictures.. it should be funny!


1) How do you get over “fat days?

2) The question above 🙂 do certain words make you feel badly, even if they are intended to be positive?

3) The question from wayyyy above- What helps you live in the present?




86 Responses to “So Late So Soon”

  1. Lauren @ BIOCHEMISTA March 2, 2010 at 6:50 pm #

    Hey Shelley 🙂

    So glad you are feeling better!!! 🙂 🙂

    I too have “fat days” but I’ve recently been able to say to myself “I’m a girl, I’m hormonal, I’m emotional, and this will pass”. I also try do something therapeutic for myself (nails, yoga, chat sesh with an old friend, etc.)…It has really helped me 🙂

    Not sure if I’ve posted this before but if you get the chance read the book “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle! I had to read it in college and I swear it totally changed my life. I’ve actually re-read it twice 🙂 It teaches you how to be ‘present’ in the moment and how to detach *you* (i.e. your being) from the crazy voice going in in your head. Anywhooo, I highly recommend it 😉

    Have a great night chica! So glad you’re feeling better! 🙂



  2. ellen March 2, 2010 at 7:02 pm #

    im really glad you wrote about living in the present, because that is one of my major issues at the moment. i have so much anxiety and fears and just am going through a rough time that i am constantly waiting for something to end, or time to pass so that i can finish school, exams, etc and be home with family, or get through things, whatever. and its so sad because time is going by and its like im always looking for things to end, though that’s not exactly what my intention is when i think ‘okay just look forward to *this’, but i do try to live each day. i guess i can’t answer that question that well 😦 but im glad you’re feeling better and that you let yourself rest. you’re so amazing and reading your posts always makes me happy xox jen

  3. Jillian March 2, 2010 at 7:37 pm #

    Great post:). I am so in your “living for the next, instead of the present”-boat. My mom constantly tells me to “just be in the present.” This is a constant work in progress.

    Getting out of a fat day… A yoga class usually helps me. Brings the focus back in…the closing of the eyes, etc. Other than that, acknowledging that it’s a fat day seems to be the most important thing in moving past it. It’s really not a “day”, but a momentary thought that has the opportunity to pass and no longer exist.

  4. Lily @ Lily's Health Pad March 2, 2010 at 7:48 pm #

    I am certain you are right that every one has fat days. Or maybe more like fat moments. I usually just think about how fit I am or how I try to eat for nutrients rather than calories. These things make me feel better about myself, and then usually I think, “Lily, you have to be kidding!” Of course you aren’t fat! You’re healthy.”

  5. Julie @SavvyEats March 2, 2010 at 7:48 pm #

    Bluephies is one of my FAVE restaurants ever! Their cookbook is awesome, too!

  6. Emily March 2, 2010 at 7:57 pm #

    glad you feel good about your midterms 🙂

    1. I try to do things that make me happy and distract me rom the feelings of “fat”. They are inevitable, so I just try and let them pass with time.

    2. I totally understand what you are saying. Someone recently said to me that my face looked fuller and more filled out and that it looked good. ED went crazy on that one.

    3. I am still trying to figure out the whole being present thing. I find it really hard. But one thing that helps is breathing. Taking deep breathes helps you be in the moment.


  7. Sara March 2, 2010 at 8:00 pm #

    you’re so lucky to be done with midterms!!! I’m taking a break from studying right now…can’t wait for spring break!

    1) hmmm fat days…i honestly try my best just not to be so critical of myself. often times, i’m the only one that notices.

    2) I hear ya on this! when I was recovering, I would get so annoyed when I would ask my mom “do I look really different then before” and she would tell me you look healthy. I knew it was a good thing, yet I associated it with a negative connotation.

    3) Living in the present is actually pretty hard for me. I’m always looking forward…almost too much…about whats in my future and whatnot….

    Lots of love,

  8. homecookedem March 2, 2010 at 8:03 pm #

    Oh hun, we all have fat days. When I was at my skinniest, I still had fat days… actually more often than I do now b/c I was way more focused on what and how much I was eating and my weight. I still struggle with them occasionally and blogging and reaching out to other’s for support is what truly helps me the most. It helps knowing I’m not the only one who goes through these feelings.

  9. Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine March 2, 2010 at 8:14 pm #

    What a delicious looking anniversary dinner!! I love date nights 🙂

    Like you said, I think most women battle “fat days,” and it often has nothing to do with food, but something else that’s bothering us. It’s definitely important to make healthy choices in spite of feeling “off!” I know I have a tendency to have “fat thoughts” when I’m lonely, so I’ve learned to call a friend or go out- it helps a ton to be surrounded by people!

    I definitely misinterpret words sometimes! I’m pretty sensitive, but I’m working on taking compliments in whatever form they come.

    Have a great night girly!

  10. tatiannalives March 2, 2010 at 8:17 pm #

    I was so happy to see that you updated 😛 I finally learned how to use google reader and yours was the first to pop up!
    I am so proud of you for nourishing your body despite body image issues, and feeling sickish too… you deserve a medal or something 😛 Thanks for reminding me that there are NO EXCUSES when it comes to getting healthy 🙂
    Love ya, big sis!

    1) How do you get over “fat days?
    Usually I try to avoid mirrors, and do something that has nothing to do with my appearance, like painting or listening to music. It always makes me feel better to find a way to stop thinking about my body until the ‘fat feeling’ goes away.

    2) The question above, do certain words make you feel badly, even if they are intended to be positive?
    ALL THE TIME! I hate the fact that when my mom says I look so ‘healthy’, I feel like she is telling me that I look huge. I really just try to step back and realize that she means it in a totally positive way, like you did with your friend 🙂

    3) The question from wayyyy above- What helps you live in the present?
    Unfortunately, I struggle with this one A LOT!


  11. Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce March 2, 2010 at 8:22 pm #

    shelley all of your eats look WONDERFUL! so varied and colorful, i love it. i know you’ve had such a hard time lately, you’re in my thoughts! ugh. “healthy.” i used to get sooo mad when people would tell me that, and took it as a huge insult. then i realized that there was nothing wrong with the word healthy, that they truly did mean HEALTHY and not anything else (read:fat) and it was just my ED’d interpretation of the word! people only tell us we look “healthy” because not too long ago there was a time when we looked really sick. it’s unfortunate that they comment that way because it can be triggering, but let’s face it people will ALWAYS talk about how people look, but we should try to be gracious and accept that they really do just think we look healthy! sorry i’mr ambling now lol.

  12. Lauren March 2, 2010 at 8:25 pm #

    Sorry you have been feeling sick these past few days my dear. It’s so easy to get down whenever your body is not feeling right. I have so many days when I just feel off and then my mind starts to feel off as well. You are right, we just all have these days and ALwaYS will. No denying that these moments won’t happen because its something we have no control over. The only thing we can control is how we react to these moments.

    You are doing so wonderful!!!!! Keep your head held high, you have so much to be proud of! 😉

  13. lpskins March 2, 2010 at 8:29 pm #

    Oh I totally know what you’re saying. Healthy should be a positive thing but for those of us living with disordered eating, it means heavy.

    Sounds like you have worked through these feelings over the last few days and put rational thought to it. Good for you.

  14. lpskins March 2, 2010 at 8:29 pm #

    Oh and happy two year.

  15. jenna March 2, 2010 at 8:39 pm #

    omg shelley! i feel so bad now 😦
    my text to use was not meant to hurt you or make you upset by no means. it was definitely a compliment and i am so so so sorry if it came out the wrong way!
    but i really understand how you feel, because i would react the same way when my family members say how great and healthy i look and i always take it as they are saying i am fat. but we both know that is so not true and that is dumb ED telling us that! he knows nothing!
    again, i am so sorry about that and i hope that didn’t contribute to your fat day the other day 🙂

    you are awesome shelley! keep your head up high!!
    jenna xoxo

  16. The Candid RD March 2, 2010 at 8:57 pm #

    When I was getting over my ED, many people told me, “oh you look so much better” or “you look so healthy” or even “your face has filled out!”. At first I didn’t know how to react. I was still somewhat fragile and didn’t take it as a compliment. Now, however, I have seen what anorexia can really do to people, and I have seen the super skinny girls who really look, well, sick! I also look at my pictures from back in the day, and I realize I DID look bad….so…I am glad I didn’t take those comments too negatively. They meant them in the best way possible.

    Congrats on the two year anniversary! Nick and I have our 5 year coming up and I CAN’T believe it. Like you said, where does the time go?! Living in the moment is so important, and lauging your way through life 🙂

  17. Melissa S. March 2, 2010 at 9:24 pm #

    I’m glad you’re feeling better.

    I’m glad to hear you’re trying to live more in the present than in the future, or the past! That’s great to hear! I’m glad you have been able to put those “fat days” behind you and are finding ways to combat them. I know i do them by pointing out the things in myself that I know are strong and impressive. I make myself sound selfish. hehe!

  18. adrienmelaine March 2, 2010 at 9:25 pm #

    Healthy is a word triggered by eating disorders- you weren’t healthy and you know that healthy means normal- you need to recognize that people say it out of love- I still don’t like being told I look healthy- I prefer fit- or just about anything else- but it’s something that you learn to accept- these things take time… gasp! You are doing such a great job and I’m so grateful you have this outlet to write your thoughts and be supported. I always am thinking of you!

  19. kbwood March 2, 2010 at 9:29 pm #

    girl i am so sorry about the stressful state of mind-i know that is so tough.
    you are so right- we NEED to live in the moment! EACH moment is a gift and a blessing! we have to savor it and NOT focus on the next thing or we may miss out on whats in front of us!!
    you are so awesome-focus on yourself bc you are different than your friends..try to block it out, i know its hard, but im here for you and everybody else is! love you!

  20. Naomi(onefitfoodie) March 2, 2010 at 9:45 pm #

    the power of words are truly amazing becuase they are SO powerful. Words can hurt someone or make someone feel amazing all at the same time. at one time where it must be nice to hear that you look ‘healthy’ i am sure its not the easiest thing to hear in the world either. all you can do is focus on YOU and how healthy you really are in the present moment.

    I get over fat days by trying to never have them and always just try to be positive about myself and my body. 🙂 (of course I am not all the time positive about it but I do try my best!!)

  21. theemptynutjar March 2, 2010 at 9:56 pm #

    i struggle to stay in the present…better than i used to be though…so i guess that is one good thing…

    u are so wonderful

    i love ALL your eats

    sometimes i worry i eat way too much yogurt 😦

    u are so inspiring with your goals.

  22. jqlee March 2, 2010 at 10:01 pm #

    i hated when guys told me i was “thick.” they said it meant that i had curves and it looked good but i never took it that way. i always thought i looked fat. of course, i try not to thick that way but sometimes your brain just takes it in a different direction.

    fat days…i try to place it in the back of my mind and wear something that makes me feel less fat. i know i won’t put on a pair of skinny jeans or a tight shirt that day!

    your crabcake salad looks really good. i love crabcakes!

  23. whydeprive March 2, 2010 at 10:36 pm #

    I have fat days, I had them at my smallest, and I had them at my biggest. Theyve always been there, and they always will be, but that isnt going to control what I eat or do. I know Im eating right and taking care of myself. Thats what matters.

    I actually have a hard time taking any compliments. It really irritates my boyfriend. I also dont like it when people offer to help me with things. I dont know why, I blame my eating disorder. I always want to do everything myself and dont ever think I need help.

    As far as living in the present, I have no tips there. Im still working on that one!!

    BTW – that salad sounds AMAZING!! Goat cheese is my favorite cheese too!! Goat milk cheddar is pretty wonderful too.

  24. Morgan @ Healthy Happy Place March 2, 2010 at 10:44 pm #

    during my recovery, i told people NOT to comment on how i looked whatsoever. People think it’s helpful to say you look great, or whatever, but in our minds “Great” or “healthy” means fat. I told them to ask me how I felt, or if they thought I was especially perky that day, but never ever ever to comment on my appearance.

  25. Amanda @ . seek . March 2, 2010 at 10:48 pm #

    Aww, love, I’m sorry ED thoughts are trying to sneak in again, but you’re so, so strong for recognizing them and fighting back, and I’m so glad to hear that you’re feeling better.

    I struggle with living in the present moment, too. I find that I’m always thinking about the future or the past. But lately I’ve been putting more of an effort into consciously stopping and focusing on the things around me… I try to pay more attention to what my senses are telling me. How something smells… how something feels on my skin… closing my eyes and listening to things around me… I guess, overall, just really paying attention to my surroundings.

    I deal with fat days by taking extra special care of myself to make myself feel more beautiful. I’ll take more time to do my hair and makeup, or do my nails. Anything to pamper myself 🙂

  26. Tori March 2, 2010 at 10:56 pm #

    I have what I like to call ‘fat moments’. They’re too fleeting now to be a full day feeling. I just tell myself that if I’m feeling fat then that’s good because I’m actually trying to gain. I don’t take words like ‘healthy’ to mean something negative, but I guess it could be taken out of context. Right now I’m living for the future for sure. The future means health hopefully!

  27. Cassandra March 2, 2010 at 11:04 pm #

    1. Well, on my “fat days” I eat more to comfort myself… haha totally doesn’t make sense but I noticed I do that.

    2. words that “bother” or “hurt” me regarding my body are skinny comments “wow, you are so skinny” In general I HATE Skinny comments… (why do we have to regard people as skinny, meaty, healthy, fat, why can’t we just use the words your beautiful, pretty, or happy)

    3. I don’t know how to live in the present, I’ve tried but I can’t stop worrying about tomorrow or a year from now or 2 months from, I hate it!!! I really want to live in the present but how? any ideas? I’m constantly lost in a sea of thoughts.

    Shelley, you are amazing, beautiful, and strong.*** I mean that 🙂

  28. Lauren March 2, 2010 at 11:12 pm #

    1. Girl, I have fat days every day. I have to just remind myself that fat is not a feeling, but is simply covering up a real emotion-and then figure out what I am really feeling.

    2. I’m not really a fan of any body related compliments. Ed seems to be able to construe all of them. Focusing on the intent on the comment, rather than the actual words used though alleviates some of that anxiety.

    3. I freak out about time too! Right now I am a Junior in college and am having major anxiety because I feel like I am going to be graduated before I know it. Something that helps me to slow down is to really focus on the present moment/document what is happening. Taking pictures and journaling is really helpful for me.

  29. Kylee (Little Hat) March 2, 2010 at 11:48 pm #

    What helps me is wearing my favorite clothes on “fat” days. And just making sure my hair and make-up is good. Anything that takes the emphasis of my appearance off of my body in my mind.
    I feel the same about the word healthy sometimes. In my head it’s like healthy implies that I’ve obviously gained weight (which I have, but I guess I feel like I don’t want it to be obvious to others, even though it is a good thing.)
    Spending time with my friends always makes me feel so in the moment. I love it; I never felt like that pre-ED.
    I’m stoked to see pictures from your sorority get-together!! -Kylee

  30. Maggie March 3, 2010 at 12:01 am #

    “Healthy” can be such a hard word to hear! I completely agree with you! But then when I think about it, it’s a word I would definitely want to describe myself with! There’s just something about having another person even notice a change in your body that’s weird.

    When I need to focus on the present, I usually try to talk to someone I really care about and tell them exactly what I’m thinking and feeling without running away from my thoughts. It’s so easy to go into autopilot and not notice if you’re sad or unhappy. Sometimes a good cry, or on the flip side a hearty laugh, is what you need.

  31. onehealthyapple March 3, 2010 at 12:55 am #

    Oh yes, I have fat days! I try to feel my best, wear mascara, straighten my hair, do something physical, and get over them! I’m also lucky to have a hubby who tells me I look cute, so that helps too!

    My hubby’s grandma likes to tell me I look ‘healthy’ or that my face looks rounder and she intends it as a compliment (and a secret wish for babies) but sometimes it bothers me. I try to remember I haven’t done anything wrong, and that she means well. I

    I think you always look beautiful 🙂 so there!

  32. Lo March 3, 2010 at 1:07 am #

    that crab cake salad was made for me…they are my fav food ever…and take healthy as a compliment…I think you are looking ferosh and faboosh, so just keep rocking it girl. congrats on the 2 years!


  33. justjac March 3, 2010 at 1:22 am #

    EVERYone has “fat” days. Did you know the average woman’s weight can fluctuate just by water by four pounds a day?!
    I definitely know what you are talking about with seemingly normal words having bad connotations. I’m sorry about that but its so good you can see clearly that your friend did mean it as a compliment. You are beautiful–inside and out– and IN ADDITION to that beauty, you are now becoming* (not quite there yet) healthy. Instead of “healthy” I mean, glowing, happy, fun, excited about life… 🙂

  34. julia March 3, 2010 at 3:03 am #

    I’m so proud, truly I am!

    Because it’s not always easy, but you did the right things. This is also a huge part of overcoming an ED. Having ‘bad’/’fat’ days, but accepting that instead of acting on it. And realizing the next day you’re still your beautiful self.
    Being told something that ED interpretes the wrong way, but realizing that the real you wants to be healthy. And you should.
    Stay strong girl! You’re doing great:) I’m always there, remember!?

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  35. Averie (LoveVeggiesAndYoga) March 3, 2010 at 4:12 am #

    I just posted about this whole matter today. I brought up fat talk yesterday and addressed it again today. what helps is realizing that your body as a woman is designed to make people. that’s powerful sh*t. Therefore, treat it with the respect it deserves and never feel fat…it’s phenomenal. It can give and create life. That’s so much bigger than any # on the scale and when you appreciate the functionality not the physicality of your body, it may help 🙂

  36. MelissaNibbles March 3, 2010 at 4:48 am #

    Happy Anniversary! The restaurant looks yummy. I love goat cheese on anything!

    I get over fat days by doing exactly what you did, accepting the fact that everyone feels that way and then trying to let those feelings go by thinking of something else. It’s okay to feel that way as long as you know it’s just a feeling and don’t act on it by going back to old behaviors.

    Get well soon!

    • MelissaNibbles March 3, 2010 at 4:49 am #

      By get well, I mean get over the cold or flu you’re feeling…not the fat day. haha! Not sure if that came across the right way 🙂

  37. Karin March 3, 2010 at 7:37 am #

    I can only agree to the things other people said – we all have fat days (with or without ed) but I agree with Averie. We’re so much more than fat thighs, skinny arms, huge lips…!!

  38. Cassie @ A Very Busy Mind March 3, 2010 at 8:18 am #

    I haven’t had much success with #s 1 and 3, so I’ll answer #2. 😉

    I used to react the exact same way you did when people gave me “compliments” about added weight. My best friend’s dad once told her (and then she told me) that I looked “good,” and it totally set me off. Really, Cassie?! You’re offended by “good?!” But seriously, I knew he meant that he noticed I had put on weight, and at that point in my life, being skinny was all I cared about.

    I hadn’t committed to recovery yet at the time, and I actually started limiting my calories even more and lost more weight after that comment. All because someone was trying to pay me a compliment.

    This is just another example of how not only is it an eating disorder, it’s a THINKING disorder.

    Now, I almost always take the comments about my weight as compliments, but every once in a while, I take it the wrong way.

    A work in progress. 🙂

    Awesome post, Shelley. You’re doing awesome, girl!

  39. Kacy March 3, 2010 at 8:23 am #

    Great post girl! That Suess quote makes me sad too. College went by so quickly and now I’m living the 8 to 5 life and it feels like the years are going to fly by. I try to live in the present too, but it is difficult.

    1. When I’m having a fat day I really try to think about people who are really fat, like morbidly obese. Me stressing about being bloated or whatever is nothing compared to what they must go through – the ridicule, the complete lack of confidence and all the health problems. That makes me realize that I’m not fat at all and actually a healthy person and that I should cherish that.
    2. I’ve always been the chubbier friend out of my circle, up until recently when some of them started to put on some weight. So now they’ll say things like “oh my God I can’t believe you’re skinnier than me now.” Ouch, haha. But I take it in stride, I think they mean well.
    3. Traveling helps me stay in the present. When I go somewhere I’ve never been before it helps me feel more alive and appreciative of the experience. When I’m not traveling it’s harder, but like you said, I just try to be as positive as possible!

    Glad you’re feeling better, sorry for the sickness 😦

  40. Molly March 3, 2010 at 10:56 am #

    I dont even know how I get over fat days. I still struggle with those. a lot. but I know for one that i dont let that make me stop eating, if anything I just add more protein, because it makes me feel less bloated than carbs do. I am still gaining weight, just in a different way.

    Hope you start feeling better!


  41. Anna March 3, 2010 at 11:10 am #

    Ah, don’t we all have those days…

    Whenever I have a “fat” day, I always look for the reason why it might be a “fat” day. I hate that I have snap judgements to feeling bad, ineffective, unmotivated, like a fail, etc, to being fat. Even though I distance myself from that feeling rather quickly, and it doesn’t affect me in the long run…the fact that I still have those snap reactions remind me…even though I consider myself to be recovered… just how predisposed I am to ED tendencies. And it SUCKS. But I work on it everyday 🙂

    Love that Doctor Seuss quote. What helps me live in the present is embracing spontaneity, which is something I struggle with. But life is fleeting, so why not get the most out of those fleeting moments?

  42. blueeyedheart March 3, 2010 at 11:31 am #

    That quote makes me sad, too; I hate knowing that time is flying by and I’m always looking ahead instead of appreciating what’s happening in the present! Especially since when whatever I was looking toward arrives, I’ll be looking toward something else. I guess you just have to constantly keep reminding yourself to stay present! Easier said than done…

    ❤ ❤

  43. Kelly March 3, 2010 at 12:33 pm #

    I am really bad at always living in the future but my mom has a really great quote that always helps bring me back. She says, “If you are always saying ‘I’ll be happy when…’ then you will NEVER be happy.” SO TRUE! Gotta love that mom advice!

  44. funfashionista March 3, 2010 at 12:40 pm #

    SHELLEY! i hope you’re feeling better. im sorry that you were sick this weekend, but sometimes it feels good just to chill outtt while no one is around.

    i have fat days too. i think ALL girls do. everytime i tell my mom yeah, im having a fat day. she said oh, i had one yesterday but look im still living today and im HAPPY! so it just goes to show, it’s natural you just cant dwel on it!

    i know what you mean by the word “healthy” = ugly. it’s sooo ED talking but that exactly what i think when people say that to me! or when they say “you look so much better” aka “you look so much fatter”. okay, im really working on this and i think over time we will recognize that these people are just trying to compliment us:) I LOVE YOU! your beatiful girl


  45. Nutritious Foodie March 3, 2010 at 2:32 pm #

    You are right… time is just passing by as fast as it can. I know that I need to work on really enjoying the moment. I always put everyone else’s wants and needs ahead my wants and needs and always end up frustrated that I am not enjoying things that I want to enjoy!

    You had some great eats. I do have fat days. I feel HUGE even though I know I look normally but my body feels different.. on those days I really do my best to keep busy and make an extra effort to eat more veggies and fruits.

  46. daintyvegan March 3, 2010 at 2:59 pm #

    Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this post! Subconsciously I’m aware that I’m not living each day to the fullest but most of the time, I just go about in a daze and think about the future instead of the present. I love that you brought this up because it’s a great reminder for me to try harder and appreciate EVERY day I have and to stop thinking ahead so much – the next day, week, month.

    Certain words or sentences definitely set me off and I absolutely hate it since most of the time, they aren’t meant in a negative way at all. I’m trying hard to fix it though because somehow I twist the most innocent comments into something extremely negative.

    Glad you’re feeling better now. 🙂

  47. Little Notes March 3, 2010 at 3:13 pm #

    I just saying to someone at work today as well I cant believe we are into March already. Time does fly by and before you know it another year will be over, this is why its so crucial for you to live for the moment and make the best of it, you`ll not get the chance to re live these years!
    Well done on keeping up with your eating despite feeling sick and with all the added stress recently, that is certainly something to be proud of. I really admire your strength.
    We all get fat days, everyone does and they are especially worse when your feeling down. In times like that you just need to remind yourself of the bigger picture, remember that lots of people feel the same and its your ed thats just making even worse for you.
    I also struggle with the healthy comments but again if you get one keep saying to yourself they mean well and it doesnt mean you look fat, it means your getting that sparkle back in your face.
    *hugs* so proud of you,

  48. Chelsea March 3, 2010 at 3:14 pm #

    I too am trying to find a solution to fat talk, days, moments, seconds, meals, etc. It is a tough battle for me. I have tried coming up with ideas that are mostly therapeutic that do help me get over the negative talk that I face. These include crossword puzzles (they are a great distraction for me), listening to my favorite music, doing my nails or hair, stretching/yoga, going for a walk outside, and I am in a 12-step program and am fully supportive to those. With a 12-step program you have SOOOO many outlets, like calling people you know in program, going to a meeting, reading literature from the program. I also have a prayer list that my therapist gave me from program. The best thing for me to repeat to myself too is:

    “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

    I think this is beautiful and when I say this to myself a few times in a row I instantly feel more serene.

    I also want to let everyone know that I just moved my blog over to

  49. chocolatepickle March 3, 2010 at 4:39 pm #

    hey girl! I can’t tell you HOW upset the words “you look healthy” used to make me! Whenever someone told me that, I responded the same way you did, “oh so you mean you can tell I gained weight so I look like a big CHUNK?!” I think it reminded me that I was much better but still had a way to go….because no matter what we do, people will comment on “how we look.” And the ED mind takes nice comments and twists them into negative thoughts. It’s a hard thing to deal with, but just remember that “healthy” does NOT equal “fat!” Healthy is a positive term:) To “normal” people, saying you look healthy is the equivalent of saying you look great, beautiful, fabulous! You are a beautiful girl, no matter what the number on the scale it, just remember that:) Someone will always think you’re too thin or too heavy or too tall or too short, we can’t control others….BUT, don’t worry about what others think, only about how YOU feel!! It’s hard, but letting comments fly by the wayside is all part of letting go of the ED security blanket….and you’re doing a GREAT job!!!!

  50. MRia March 3, 2010 at 8:30 pm #

    You wouldn’t believe the things people said to me when I was gaining…Anywhere from “Are you pregnant” To looking at pictures and asking if that was my sister. When it was me. Also I got a lot of “where is that skinny girl who used to work here?” And yes when people said how “healthy” I looked. I def took offense. But we have to remember they mean well and it really is how we are processing it. You will get through it!! You ARE beautiful!!!

  51. MRia March 3, 2010 at 8:31 pm #

    Oh and one lady actually looked at me and said “you have gained SO much weight, you’ve gotten chubby” Really. She said that. Some people have NO filter.

  52. Holly (The Healthy Everythingtarian) March 3, 2010 at 9:28 pm #

    shoo girl…so good to come back, read your blog AND see bluephies on it! such a beautiful thang. so is dr. seuss…LOVE all his books!

  53. Molly March 3, 2010 at 10:11 pm #

    I HATE FAT DAYS. I hate when nonfat days turn into fat day even more than my hate for waking up to a fat day. Why hormones do you do this to people?! Everyone has them. Sometimes it just feels like I do more often though?

    Sweet potato loving!

  54. Sarah March 3, 2010 at 10:14 pm #

    I know healthy seems slightly negative, but I think people use it to people recovering from an ed to encourage the person to continue to get better. Pretty or gorgeous doesn’t acknowledge the change, you know? I’m glad you’re feeling better : )

  55. Sweet Cheeks March 3, 2010 at 10:18 pm #

    well, im probably going to repeat everyone else, but I am so happy that you are feeling better, hun! You are amazing, don’t ever forget that! 🙂

  56. Katharina March 4, 2010 at 12:09 am #

    Shelley! You always bring up such food for thought in your posts. I really love it 😀 I also reflect on things so I feel ya.

    That restaurant sounds so awesome by the way (I’m a goat cheese lover as well!!!) And I hve been enjoying sweet potatoes as well–sooooo good!!!

    1. I tell myself that it’s not true. And if anything I could use some extra oomph so it’s not a bad thing lol. I know sometimes I’ll be bloated when I’m on my period but I dunno.. I guess it’s not a big deal to me anymore. The only thing with those thoughts is ED and nothing else. And what ED has to say doesn’t matter 😉

    2) Well.. I guess it doesn’t REALLY make me feel bad, but when people say I’m cute. Lol it’s silly really. I guess it’s because sometimes I want to be sexier and I feel like when someone says I’m cute than I’m not sexy.. and it seems like a word for little kids and stuff. BUT I know people use cute and sexy in the same sentence plenty of times!

    3) So many things!! I don’t really think about it that much, but I know I get so absorbed in the moment sometimes that there is no other thought besides NOW.. what’s here in front of me and what I’m feeling. I just let out whatever I want to let out.. FARTS! lol just kidding.. well yeah I fart, but I was talking more along the lines of laughing. Or even if I feel like doing a pirouette, I’ll do that. Just be yourself 😀 It may not mean pretending to be a ballerina lol, but everyone’s different and that’s part of the beauty of life.

  57. imaginenamaste March 4, 2010 at 1:08 am #

    Love the quote, it is quiet appropriate as it was recently Dr. Seuss’s birthday (haha I blame the knowledge of that fact on the fact that many of my friends are elementary teachers and, well, Dr. Seuss is wonderful).

  58. ilanalala March 4, 2010 at 1:55 am #

    Ohhhh the “fat” words. Banish them!

    So scary how fast school rushes by! I remember, so clearly, my freshman year and now here I am five years later! How did that happen? Sometimes it feels like yesterday still.

    Thank you for all your inspiration and support. I know this might be weird but since I don’t really have anyone in my real life who knows about what I’m going through, the support I get from the blog world and also the inspiration and power I feel from blogs like yours really help me to move forward.

  59. hotsauceismypoison March 4, 2010 at 6:19 am #

    Hi, I’m a long-time reader coming out of the woods. =)
    Firstly, you’re so right about living in the present – this is truly a great way to live in my opinion, because you can get things done and most of all just enjoy life. I’m so so happy you’ve got some ideas about how you’re going to do so! What helps me live in the present? Honestly, I think it’s being busy doing things I love – be that completing an assignment (yeah, I’m kinda weird), spending time with my friends or family, or reading a good book.

    Also well done on getting past the fat day! Glad you’re feeling better. =) Getting over fat days is unfortunately something I need to work on more..but when I do get through them, I do so by again really keeping myself busy and surrounding myself with people I love.

    And YES. I used to absolutely HATE those ‘you look well’, ‘you look so good and healthy’ comments. It would always mean that well = fat. Yeah, sure. Nowadays I realise that there is no double meaning, they mean what they say. And besides which, who wouldn’t want to look healthy? Health is beautiful, right? =)

    Lots of love!

  60. mayapamela March 4, 2010 at 7:08 am #

    It’s so true, everyone has fat days. I like to work out, no not to burn calories, but an activity that makes you feel strong and appreciate what your body does for you, like strength training, or a long run outside. Maybe a good yoga practice, too.

    Healthy is a great way to describe someone! It’s deeper and more profound than beautiful. To me healthy means vibrant and full of life, and that means so much more than beauty (though you’re beautiful, too!)

  61. anon March 4, 2010 at 8:10 am #

    In reference to your comment on Jenna’s blog, Kashi Go Lean IS bad because it is so full of fiber and in that reference it is pretty low cal for a large quantitiy. Also, Jenna isn’t even eating a full serving of it. When someone has an ED and is struggling like Jenna, you want to keep the calories IN, not flush them right out of her system because of the fiber, if you know what I mean. I just wanted to clear that up. Also, I am a nutritionist and I would NEVER advice a girl struggling with ED to eat that.

  62. Anna March 4, 2010 at 8:57 am #

    yeahhhh I go to MD 🙂 but then after the game there were riots…so I could not fall to sleep for the life of me!!

  63. Mitri March 4, 2010 at 9:55 am #

    OH! I’ve spent so much time wondering where all the time went. 😛 It’s horrible.

    To remind myself of the moment, I tune out “the out” and tune into the “in.” That is, I stop talking and start listening. I look around and observe, rather than trying to throw myself into any action possible. 🙂

  64. Sara K March 4, 2010 at 11:01 am #

    Glad you’re feeling better, I’ve been a bit under the weather as well.
    Ahhh oh “fat days,” I’ve learned that “fat days” are simply times when I need to look at the large picture and see what’s really bothering me in my life/mind/anxieties- because that’s truly what they are- in your case it sounds like it was because of all the stress of being sick, the scariness in gaining weight, and the feelings you have towards a friend losing weight…the important thing is to truck right through them 🙂
    And I know what you mean with the “healthy,” thing…the ED makes us distort compliments/anything anyone says completely to make it into something it’s not.
    Lots of love my dear 🙂

  65. Health Foodie March 4, 2010 at 11:58 am #

    Hi Shelley. Sorry to hear about your struggles. 😦

    While I do not have an eating disorder, I do want to gain weight. I simply do not like the way I look at the moment. But even though I find myself way to skinny, I do have fat days once in a while. It is the strangest thing! It is not that I feel big, but sometimes we just feel like there should not be anything “soft” about us. Ridiculous! For me, it helps to look at other women that I find beautiful. I imagine what it would be like if I were them and all of a sudden I see all the things that would bother me…while before everything looked so beautiful on her. There is really just a difference on how we view ourselves. We are often so hard on ourselves. Appreciating the things your body can do and loving yourself can help so much.

    Yes, I am hurt very easily. But I often realize that it is irrational and reason my way out of it. Logic is my best friend. 🙂

    Meditation helps me achieve a state where I can become more aware of the senses in everyday life. I also actively pause, for about 3 minutes during the days where I simply enjoy how my body feels right now, where I am etc. Being in nature is also key for me. It makes me sooo happy and calm inside. 🙂

  66. katie March 4, 2010 at 11:58 am #

    Hey love : )

    Thanks for the sweet comment : ) yes Anthony will be double digits!! Scary for me!! lol!!

    U would really like tempeh, even in a wrap its yummy!!! I like putting it in wraps !!!

    I am so glad you are still doing great, and always will be, it’s only up from here girl, dont forget that!!!

    As of the ‘Feel Fat Days” Ugggghhhhh I dont even liek the word fat honestly, how about just feel blah day?? I like that better, but yes we all have those days when we just dont feel good about ourselves, nothing looks right on, we dont feel happy, etc…. but we just have to get through it by knowing that day we are wasting away, because life is precious and we are not promised tomorrow, when I have a day like that I like to talk to a good friend or family, or do something that makes me happy, like get a starbux latte, go shop, or take a nice nap if I can!!

    We will always have bad days, but its how we overcome them , more happy days always I say!!

    Love you Shelley!! Its almost Friday!!!!!!!!!!!


  67. Michelle March 4, 2010 at 12:56 pm #

    You’re gorgeous inside and out Shelley!! 🙂

    Glad to hear you’re feeling better!

  68. naturalnonsense March 4, 2010 at 1:06 pm #

    Thank you SO much for your sweet comment! That brightened my day! Gah, I agree so much with this whole post! I feel like I too lately have been living so much for tomorrow, or the weekend, or the next week that I forget to just have fun and live in the present day. Thanks for helping me remember to do that.
    Congrats on the 2 years with your boy! You two are so adorable together, and I’m sure you had a great time on your dinner date.
    Ooooh the fat days! We all have them, sweetpea – I completely understand! I’m even going to address this big time in my post tonight since I feel like so much of it has been going around. I got told just today that I look like I’ve “got a little more meat on my bones”. This should NOT have made me upset but it really did. I don’t think I’m any bigger than I have been in the past so who cares what someone else thinks? You are a beautiful, strong, HEALTHY girl! What’s most important is how you feel about yourself. Have a great day! xoxo

  69. simplypresent March 4, 2010 at 6:55 pm #

    I’ve been dealing with a lot of “fat days” as I am working on gaining weight. It helps me knowing that I still have a long way to go to be within the weight range my doctor wants me in. I try focusing more on the inside of my body – the fuel for my brain, heart, & muscles!

    I just talked about how I don’t like hearing the word “healthy” with my friend yesterday. I feel so much better when people tell me that I have better color in my face, more energy, and I seem happier – It’s MUCH more encouraging!

    I’m really focusing on trying to be more present. I LOVE journaling and talking a quiet walk outside and try to notice something different.

    I love veggie burgers! What’s your favorite kind?

  70. nattietan March 4, 2010 at 8:49 pm #

    Hey Shelley,

    Hope you got your voice back and Yay to you and Gardner’s 2nd year!

    Welllll… I do have ‘fat’ days definitely but I try to focus on at least one aspect of myself and be happy about it. And I steer clear of mirrors and dress in a way that makes me feel great about myself rather than more insecure. Retail therapy works too.

    I guess some people use the word ‘healthier’ or ‘better’ not because they don’t think you’re beautiful, but probably because they want to emphasize the fact that you’re reclaiming your health and that’s really important. That said, you looked gorgeous before, just that you’re even more so now! (And I promise you, I’m not just saying that!)

    Like you, I feel like I’m fine being on the cusp of full recovery but I know that that’s certainly not ideal. So what helps me to stay focused is knowing that upon reaching my end goal, things will be even better than they are now. I just don’t know it yet. Furthermore, if I don’t give myself that chance to be 100% healthy again, then I’ll never know what I’m missing right? =)

    *hugs* Babe, you of all people can do this. We both can!


  71. MRia March 4, 2010 at 10:36 pm #

    Thank you for the blog love!!! You are too sweet!!!

    And just remember healthy is way of life not the way we look per ‘se. Have I mentioned you are beautiful!!


  72. sophia March 5, 2010 at 12:32 am #

    I’m still in need of weight gain…so I can’t say I really have “fat days”…more like, “I hate my non-existent chest and curves!”

    that’s funny that “healthy” has a negative connotation for you. Heh, I wonder what you would say when you are in singapore…people don’t know tact. When I was gaining the most rapidly during my recovery it was in Singapore, and all my friends screamed, “You got FATTER!”
    But they looked so happy and relieved that it made me smile, too.

  73. leslie March 5, 2010 at 8:36 am #

    there is so much in this post that is so wise! i definitely have always struggled to stay in the present – i think it’s good to dream and have goals, but we also have to make our lives happen where we are. i’ve been learning that if i don’t embrace the present, i’ll never make it to the future that i want.

    i also think you’re right that all women have “fat days.” (men probably have them too!) the distinction is how do we deal with it? do we obsess, let it consume us, isolate ourselves, fall into old behaviors? or do we get out, surround ourselves with people and things that we love, and remind ourselves of how much more there is in life than the way we look? sometimes, if i’m having a tough day, i force myself to go out. when i see friends or even strangers just enjoying their lives, regardless of what they’re eating or what they weigh, it reminds me of how much i want to feel that 100% of the time. the more i push myself to be that person, the more of a reality it becomes.

  74. Michelle (Snacks and Field) March 5, 2010 at 8:56 am #

    hey girlieee:) I just stopped by to say hello, I haven’t blogged in so long- i miss it but i’m too busy to sit down for like 2 seconds:) anywho- I wanted to let you know I miss you! lol
    All your eats look great as always- esp that salad you got with Gar- Congrats on your 2 year anniversary!!!!! &your yoatgurt also looks amazing (I’m actually eating some as I type!) Have fun at your sorority party that sounds like such a fun theme and I can’t wait to see pix!

  75. malpaz March 5, 2010 at 1:13 pm #

    i hate that about myself! time flies, i get angry but then i am waiting for the next hour to pass!!! i dont get it. i have fat days too, everyone does, i have bad mornings/good mornings, good meals/bad meals, good dates/HORRENDOUS dates…such is life. i try not to overthink so much these days because some things are not about an ED they are simply part of life and i personally need to work to accept both!

    haha cant wait for ppics of your crazy outfit!

  76. isladeangela March 5, 2010 at 1:27 pm #

    Hi Shelley –
    I found your site through another one and even though we pretty much have zero in common (I’m a 40 year-old, overweight mom of 3) I was really drawn to reading through your posts. You’re a wonderful writer and I’m sure your story is touching many girls who really need the inspiration to live healthier lives. 🙂

    Regarding living in the moment – I see someone mention Eckhart Tolle’s Living in the Now – I think his A New Earth is even better. Also, Oprah (my bff – ha, ha), once shared that she keeps a thankful journal where she writes down 5 things a day that she was thankful for. I’ve started to do something similar – I call mine ~ Moments of Joy ~ and what I’ve learned since starting this practice is that my mind has started to look for joyful moments to write on my list. Just by recognizing small moments of joy throughout my day helps me live in the moment more often. It’s a work in progress…

    ~ Angie

  77. Simply Life March 5, 2010 at 2:54 pm #

    oh that squash soup looks sooo good!

  78. april March 5, 2010 at 3:49 pm #

    Yay for midterms being done! I have mine next week 😦

  79. Can You Stay for Dinner March 5, 2010 at 9:58 pm #

    Hmmm, I work really hard to stay in the present. I just focus on my breath and it helps to calm me and remind me of the here and now. I also sit very still and try to clear my mind. It’s really been the best thing for me. I find that I am just happier and more at peace overall. Very hard but very worth it.

    I think fat days are inevitable. Since I used to be morbidly obese I feel a special bond to weight, as funny as that sounds. I know that I am thin now and that no matter how I may perceive myself, there is so much more to life than those pounds. I think it helps to have been both fat and thin. To know the difference and to understand that through it all I remained Andrea. It gave me quite a bit of perspective. I’m sorry I’m rambling now! Ha.
    I hope you have a great weekend, my dear!

  80. Annie March 5, 2010 at 10:49 pm #

    1) Sometimes putting on a cute outfit and telling myself I look fab works. Other times I feel like I have to stay in cry it out. :/

    2) Healthy (like you said), curvy, juicy… and the like

    3) Thinking about far away family and friends.
    This might be a kind of morbid thought- but knowing that stressing is taking away precious moments of time. We’re all going to die and I might as well enjoy the time I have.

    Your blog is AWESOME. I love reading what you have to say!

  81. Jocelyn @ Peace.Love.Nutrition March 6, 2010 at 12:20 am #

    YOGA helps me live in the present : )

  82. justjac March 6, 2010 at 3:01 am #

    Hey Shelley!
    I’m glad you’re doing so well–so great to hear! It seems like you really are living life to the fullest right now, which i think is the best way to spend your time–embrace it! 😀 It does seem like time flies so quickly these days though!

  83. Jess March 6, 2010 at 10:51 am #

    Fabulous theme! My roommate made me wear it…hahaha! Love it!

    Great plan!! Love the laugh a lot one!
    ❤ jess

  84. Jenny March 7, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    absolutely wonderful post, girl. I am so guilty of getting caught up in the future — always talking about how I can’t wait for college to be over so I can work and start a family. I did the same thing in high school .. “I can’t wait to be in college”… now, looking back, I wish I enjoyed those years more. I would give anything to go back to my youth again! thank you for the reminder to stay present and embrace every beautiful day that god has blessed me with. Lots of love to you, sugar.


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