ready to be… gertrude-free!

13 Dec

I can’t describe to you how happy I am to have my camera back working! I felt so… strange without it πŸ™‚

Before I post, I thought i’d share a lovely photo of me from a Christmas Party this weekend. The theme- ugly sweater

but I had to add some Jewishness to the equation, so I present to you..

my dreidel bootyyyy! hahahhhah it was quite a hit, I must say!

Today started out with one of my new favorite breakfasts.

2 packets of this deliciousness

with some hot water, raisins, banana, & cinnamon raisin swirl peanut butter… topped with cinnamon (obvioussly)

this is my new favorite breakfast! it is soo filling.. i think the two packets of oatmeal really does the trick. I was getting *gasp* kind of sick of my yogurt messes & plusss it is soo cold outside, so something warm is really refreshing!

Then I wasted my life away at the library! I took a lunch break of course & went to eat at our student union with Gardner! They have such amaaazing wraps.

i was seriously impressed. this wrap is all in a spinach tortilla and filled with turkey, mozzarella cheese, spinach, guacamole, & tomato… perfection.

Obvioulsy the library is incredibly boring, but seriously, how many people get this amaaazing view at their libraries..

soo beautiful! It puts a smile on my face whenever I am there to be able to look out and see the lake.

For dinner, I celebrated my roommates birthday at Frida’s Mexican Grill! It was really fun & I had a mango margarita along with..

a chicken fajita salad with a lime vinaigrette dressing! It had guacamole, “queso fresco,” chicken fajita strips, avocado, & tomato.. it was so good! I also had some unpictured chips.



on another note. there is something I want to address,

first of all, I really appreciate everyone’s positive feedback on my blog! It means a lot that you think I am optimistic & on the right track. However, i’m not going to lie… I am struggling a lot more than I can describe. My conflict is that I don’t want the struggle to be the focus of my blog. I’m not saying this to offend anyone who uses their blog as an outlet, but I simply just want this to be a positive outlet. I find that when I blog in a positive tone, it helps me feel more positive in real life. Nevertheless, there are going to be times where I use this as a way to completely vent/bitch/call it what you will because recovery is so freaking hard!

I am honestly having a really hard night. I have noticed changes in my body and though the rational mind is telling me “YAYY!! You are getting healthier!” My ED GertrudeΒ mind is saying “you are (the f word)”.. & honestly, I was telling Gardner this and I Just said “you know what… f you Gertrude“:) It felt really good & we laughed pretty hard. He is so great & supportive.

So my point is, I hope you all know that I truly do struggle every day. But I also am learning to talk back to Gertrude & get one step closer to living my life the way life should be lived… Gertrude-free & happy!! Life ISN’T about food (granted, it is essential to life).. it is about finding passions & living them out… & that is what I want to do. It’s what I need to do.

(i hope you all don’t think i’m weird for calling it gertrude- haha- i swear i’m not THAT weird)


On my next post (because I fear this will be too lengthy & I will lose some of you!–> I know i would get lost), I am going to address another issue i’m having– a girl with an eating disorder on my floor & how to deal/not to deal with her.


annnyywho- i’m on the final countdown to winter break…6 days! & I must say, I am bittersweet about it. Bitter–> I LOVE MADISON! I don’t want to leave. Sweet–> no school work for a month!! haha


What are your plans for winter break? Anything interesting? My plans aren’t that interesting, but I will be partaking in outpatient therapy officially 3 days a week at a center in Columbus. I hope it works magic =)

Any relaxing or possibly exciting Sunday plans? my plans include… you’ll never guess…. STUDYING


xoxooxoxoox

Shelleyβ™₯



ps- what do you guys think of the font change? be honest =)

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54 Responses to “ready to be… gertrude-free!”

  1. Devan G December 13, 2009 at 1:54 am #

    stay focused sweetie!
    You are doing so well. And its so good to feel that your blog is a positive outlet that allows you to be positive too! SO true. And that what I (try) for in my blog too.
    Kudos to you my love

    mmm mango margarita sounds perfect right now πŸ™‚
    cold. but perfect.

  2. Lo December 13, 2009 at 2:08 am #

    i always love the 2 packets of original oats with hot water…SO much better tasting than quick oats in my opinion πŸ™‚

    lovin mexican fiesta! i had chipolte tonight and it was muy delicioso.

    good luck studying!

    xoxo
    Lo`

  3. Erin December 13, 2009 at 3:09 am #

    I’m really excited to read your next post- I went into college practically in the same situation as you, I was trying to gain weight and recover. But the issue is, ED is so prevalent on college campuses and I saw so many girls doing what I used to do and girls are cooooonstantly talking about food weight food exercise etc… I didn’t really know how to deal when I had a friend I feared was anorexic… part of me wanted to hate her (I’m being honest, I know it was an irrational emotion), part of me questioned if it would be effective if I tried to help…
    It’s a tough situation, at least know you’re not alone πŸ™‚

    • shell625 December 13, 2009 at 12:49 pm #

      thanks erin!! do you have a blog?

  4. Lexi December 13, 2009 at 6:22 am #

    Love your eats. Yes oats are very, very filling! Love ’em. I am interested in your next post, because I have a similar issue going on.

    Congrats on almost being on break!! You can make it through!

    Love love love,
    Lexi

    p.s. sorry for lack of commenting lately, I’ve been on a bit of a computer hiatus. but I’m here now and reading!

  5. tatiannalives December 13, 2009 at 6:46 am #

    Props for taking action and learning to find the voice to fight back against Gertrude! It’s so important that we listen to the voices around us that matter like your friends and Gardner. This is sooo hard, but essential for staying positive!

    Oatmeal is definately the best breakfast out there eh? πŸ™‚ Yours looks amazing btw. drool.
    xox
    Tat

  6. determinedtoshine December 13, 2009 at 7:07 am #

    mmm your oatmeal looks amazing!

    i think your blog should be for whatever you want it to be – keeping it as a positive outlet sounds like a great idea if thats what helps you!
    im sorry your struggling my love, but just remember that YOU ARE STRONGER THAN GERTRUDE! seriously, she has nothing on you girl! so even if its hard, you CAN do it. nothing should stop you from finding your place in life.

    and i love the new font πŸ™‚

    lots of love ❀

    hannah xo.

  7. VeggieGirl December 13, 2009 at 7:28 am #

    You can do it!

  8. Gloria December 13, 2009 at 8:17 am #

    Where exactly is your weight right now?

    • shell625 December 13, 2009 at 12:50 pm #

      gloria, that is kind of personal but i’d be more willing to share over e-mail.. how can I reach you? & do you have a blog?

  9. Nelly December 13, 2009 at 8:59 am #

    I love it…both the name gertrude and the font.
    That is the perfect name for something you hate. haha
    Girl I gotta give you mad props. You are def in recovery just talking about it. I think the biggest part is coming out and being honest about it. I agree that using this for positive statements is good but us girls gotta vent! haha. Anyways I hope you know you got a support system and yes food is awesome but it is to be used for nourishment πŸ™‚

  10. anonymous December 13, 2009 at 9:01 am #

    love the font! and good for you!!! i know it’s a struggle every day but you are doing AMAZINGLY. i wasnt lost on the long post πŸ™‚

  11. theemptynutjar December 13, 2009 at 9:03 am #

    Shelley,
    Just like your previous post…there is something here that resonates with me. I try to be so positive on my blog…when I am really none too positive at all….I struggle every day with things (not just food…so much more)…and the guilt, sadness, etc. can be overwhelming. On my blog sometimes you might think I have this fine life, when everything is such a …mess πŸ™‚
    Anyway, I try to do the same….make the blog positive…because i do not want to “that girl” who just complains and is “woe is me” yknow…at same time….there are times I will and want to be abrasive, cynical and just crappy…I say write what you want….
    oh, and I really need to start switching up some of my meals…this past week, I have eaten the same thing at every breakfast and lunch…I think that is probably not a good idea for my stomach…so I need to make some plans today to start branching out and having different things

  12. traynharder23 December 13, 2009 at 9:40 am #

    gertrude= bieeeeyatch! tell her to take a hike!
    i totally feel you on blogging positively even when you’re not feeling HAPPY HAPPY.

    I KNOW> broccoli is BOMB!. try steamed broc with pb. delish.

  13. Katey December 13, 2009 at 9:52 am #

    I think your blog should focus on whatever you want it too! Its your blog, your life, and your feelings! Just let it out πŸ™‚

  14. rebecca lustig December 13, 2009 at 9:52 am #

    Good morning, dear!
    First off, I can completely relate to what you’re describing. I receive such positive feedback from others, including “you have come such a long way!” “you are doing so well, I’m so happy for you” and “your blog is so positive and inspiring, I hope I can get to where you are”.. It’s hard to internalize the feedback, though, when you feel like you’re about a thousand steps behind the comments. It’s frustrating because sometimes I feel pressured to actually BE as ‘recovered’ as people claim… hence, my desire for an escape. But, I’ve learned running away won’t help. We must face the fear, the impossible– and learn from it.

    I have faith in you because you are so aware of your surroundings and your emotions/feelings.

    You’re a rock star, don’t forget it.. And if you EVER need someone to talk to, seriously fb or email me anytime rlustig516@gmail.com

    bec xo

  15. Emily (http://funnyemily.wordpress.com) December 13, 2009 at 9:55 am #

    love love the dreidel butt, hysterical!
    and i support anything you want to put on here, i will keep reading whether its positive, negative, sad, silly, anything, i love seeing what it is you have to say, and you have every right to say what you please.
    it’s okay to be struggling its making you stronger.
    enjoy the studying (ok that was a joke!) almost break!!
    xoxo

  16. glidingcalm December 13, 2009 at 10:04 am #

    best of luck bebe!! your eats look wonderful!!!

    my xmas break is going to be relaxing!! the boy will be back in town (haven’t seen him in nearly 100 days- WAYYY too long, but we skype like cray cray everyday for hours) andddddd all homies will be back in town as well!! i can’t wait for some non-textbook time!!

    HAPPY SUNDAY SHEL!

  17. Emily December 13, 2009 at 10:14 am #

    sorry about the struggles girl! But you’ve got this….stay strong! πŸ˜€

    I love the idea of two packets of oatmeal…one never keeps me full and I end up going back for something else a few hours later!

    That wrap does look mighty fine!

  18. kbwood December 13, 2009 at 11:43 am #

    lol okay first of all i think its hilarious you call it gertrude..seriously i love that

    and second of all-it is TOTALLY normal to be struggling at this point..you are torn..part of you wants to hold on and most of you wants to LET GO..but you have got to stay strong and pray through those bad thoughts..keep pushing and following your meal plans and it WILL get easier

    on another note-that wrap lookin goood! AND that sweater party! you and your friends are so cute!

  19. quarterlifewellness December 13, 2009 at 11:50 am #

    Your outlook is amazing! I agree with the others though, it’s OK to struggle, and you need to be sure to allow yourself to do so. Same with the blog, I love the positive attitude, but it’s def ok to have bad days (i mean everyone, gertrude or sans gertrude) does! Don’t feel like you have to be positive all the time for us. We love you regardless, let us know about the bad times too, cuz we are here to make u smile when u feel like it’s impossible, thats what friends are for!

  20. Naomi(onefitfoodie) December 13, 2009 at 11:58 am #

    you are doing so amazing I know you hear this everyday but you really are, the fact that you want to face this and turn it into something you never want to havet o think about and on top of that make your blog a positive-only place, well that right there is a HUGE step. obv your going to have some harder days and nights, and its ok because as you said, you are in recovery but one day everything will all be behind you and you will give gertrude the BOOT!

    xoxoxox

    love the dreidel booty yay!!

  21. Anna December 13, 2009 at 12:30 pm #

    The changes in my body were weird at first, but at the end of everything I was like this is who I was MEANT to be. It is also really awesome who have someone who can listen to you besides a professional while you share your struggles with the Gertrude voice. I definitely felt loneliness when my ED was fighting back as hard as it could, like it was yelling at me 24/7 and it was almost to much to bare. Even though I have been “recovered” for roughly six months, I still hear that voice, but it no longer controls me. And even though you are struggling, your eats look consistently substantial, and you are not afraid to mix it up which is a FANTASTIC sign. Seriously, just take it one day at a time and keep plugging away. Recovery will come.

    On a happier and lighter note, my plans for break include spending Christmas in NYC and studying abroad in Paris!! I’m so excited πŸ˜€ although it will be hard because my time with high school friends is severely limited now, but in the end it will be sooo worth it

    Oh yea, and I am kind of in the same boat as you with knowing someone with an ED. It is so sad and I do feel conflicted. Idk, if you want you can e-mail me and we can talk about our situations.

  22. merittothecarrot December 13, 2009 at 12:48 pm #

    Hot damn! Gotta love a dreidel booty! Looks like you had fun.

    The struggle is worth it. Once it’s over, Gertrude will be dead. And Shelley will prevail! And regain FULL control of her life. You will bee the director of the movie that is your life. Not Gertrude.

    About your next post- I’ve been in that situation before… it’s quite tricky… I’ll put together my thoughts for ya.

    I hope you enjoy your Sunday and have a great week!

  23. Michelle December 13, 2009 at 1:26 pm #

    You can do it!! It’s your blog, use it for YOU! πŸ™‚

  24. julia December 13, 2009 at 1:56 pm #

    I know you struggle, recovery is so difficult…but the price is worth it all:)
    Great that you like the oatmeal: advice: even better with milk instead of water (or half/half)!

    Stay strong girl, I am there remember?!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  25. Gina G December 13, 2009 at 2:01 pm #

    hey Shelley, i know exactly what your going through. I think one of my main problems is though, that I didnt really get the right help, I felt guilty and selfish enough as it was for my parents to get me a nutritionist, i had two different therapists, but neither was doing me any good, but i know you can do this! i know with all the support from your parents, gar, the op, and most importantly yourself, you are going to come out so strong! dont give up on yourself, and don’t ever stop believing =)

    p.s. this blog is to be what ever you want it to be! =)

  26. laurasworthlesswords December 13, 2009 at 2:34 pm #

    Hmm yum, I love my oatmeal to especially with these cold mornings. I make mine with milk though it really makes a huge difference to the taste, its so much better, you should give it a go sometime!

    Feel free to vent any time you like, we are all always here to listen and help you beat Gertrude away! Your doing a great job so far, dont be listening to any crap that Gertrude is telling you, I know its hard to ignore at times but keep fighting.
    xoxo

  27. onehealthyapple December 13, 2009 at 2:49 pm #

    I love your blog and I love your positivity! I think that a lot of people can recover from serious illness by maintaining a positive attitude and even if you are using this only to act more positive than you are, who cares? It can really work!

    I love that you are embracing life, (especially representing with Jewcy Dreidel bootay!!) and making an effort!

    I’m an old fart compared to you, but I will be enjoying time off from grad school, work, and seeing my best friend who is coming into town.

    Take care sweetie!

  28. Melissa S. December 13, 2009 at 3:24 pm #

    I love your optimism on the blog and think you’re doing a great job! and even if there are times where you struggle, it’s ok to put it on the blog because believe me, it always helps (i do it allll the time!).

  29. katie December 13, 2009 at 3:53 pm #

    Stay Positive love!!!!!!!!!

    Loving your xmas sweater!!!!!! Looks like you had fun!!!!!!

    Oatmeal is the best breakfast ever, I have been loving oatbran lately too!!!!

    Have a great Sunday!!! xoxoxo

  30. ~Jessica~ December 13, 2009 at 3:58 pm #

    I admire your commitment to keeping the blog positive, but if you ever do feel the need then you shouldn’t be afraid to vent. No one will think you ‘weak’ or less of you simply for articulating your struggles. It might be cathartic, perhaps? We’re obviously total opposites in the respect of blog content but I can see your point of view and understand your approach totally.

    Your oatmeal looks so delicious…and you look beautiful too! Please don’t listen to Gertrude: she doesn’t have a clue and seriously needs some contact lenses. You’re still very, very slim and don’t let that nasty Gertie tell you otherwise.

    ❀

    xoxo

  31. Caitlyn December 13, 2009 at 4:44 pm #

    Everyone struggles in their own way everyday. It’s part of life! Having faith that there is meaning behind all of our struggles is the key. Have Faith (not Gertrude…) Make each moment, good or bad, matter

    πŸ™‚

  32. Jenna December 13, 2009 at 5:14 pm #

    oats definitely fill me up longer than yogurt messes! that spinach wrap looks delish and the view from your library is gorgeous!
    this blog is YOURS and you should do whatever you want on it everyday to help you in recovery!
    we are here for ya chica πŸ˜‰

    jenna

  33. blueeyedheart December 13, 2009 at 5:33 pm #

    I LOVE the dreidel booty!! πŸ˜‰

    You are so lucky to have such a gorgeous view at your library… though actually, I am such a nerd that the view INSIDE a library is enough for me. ;p

    I can totally understand why you want your blog to be a positive place for you, and if it makes you feel more positive in real life, that’s great!! At the same time, though, like you said, recovery IS freaking hard, and if someone is 100% positive about it ALL of the time, I start to wonder what’s amiss. People struggle. It happens. Nobody will think anything less of you if you do feel the need to use your blog as an outlet for that.

    ❀ ❀

  34. Jenny December 13, 2009 at 5:45 pm #

    1st and foremost — the dreidel booty may or may not be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. You are too precious!!

    secondly, I really honor and respect you for “coming clean” … I relate so much! a lot of people ask me why I nver talk about my ED struggles on the blog.. one person even accused me of even trying to portray myself as the “Perfect ED recovery patient”.. ummm, definitely not the case – at all! I just don’t like sitting down and typiing up long rants a negative posts about my ED — it forces me to focus on it more when I really just want to distract my mind from it at all costs! For me, blogging is a positive outlet — it’s where I can be happy and quirky and talk about aspects of life OUTSIDE of my ED.. that’s why I enjoy blogging so much – it’s my escape, ya know?

    that being said — there are times when it is necessary to reach out and admit we’re having a tough time (just check out my post from this morning) and that’s okay too. Your blog, your life, your decision. No matter what you post I am always here.. and If you ever just want to chat away from the blogosphere, pleaseeee email me lovie! jenny@pbandjenny.com .. got it?! good πŸ™‚

    love you tons, pretty!

  35. Kris | iheartwellness.com December 13, 2009 at 7:01 pm #

    Great post sweetie, I feel you are always true to your followers and we really know who you are πŸ™‚

    Your breakfast looks amazing and I think PB is great on everything, I just wish I could eat it more 😦

    You know, I was thinking about you the other day and I think you are in a fab situation because you have gotten yourself to a wonderful healthy state! In all of your pics you look healthy and you just glow! Rock on girl!!!

    Love you!

  36. Abby December 13, 2009 at 7:17 pm #

    Great post.. hang in there, dear… recovery is not easy.. you seem like a strong and focused girl. πŸ˜‰

    Ya for a delish lookin breakfast.. enjoy your Sunday, hun πŸ™‚

  37. The Candid RD December 13, 2009 at 7:22 pm #

    Do you live in Ohio? I see you will be in Columbus for break, very cool! I am not doing much over break either, just hanging out with friends and family, doing some baking, and relaxing.

    Your wrap looks fantastic, by the way. And I love your dreidel booty!

  38. Heather December 13, 2009 at 7:45 pm #

    Dear Shelley,
    I’m so grateful that you’re speaking out about your struggles with recovery. It makes you human! I went through the same thing last year and I was also threatened to be taken out of school. I have to tell you…it was one of the best things. Enjoying life (sans ED) is so innately freeing. It’s a hard road. It’s a long, windy, blistery one. But, I’m here for you every step of the way! If you want some tips or just want to VENT, please feel free to e-mail me. Just recognize the honesty in your effort and you will be rewarded. [:

    Love,
    Heather

  39. Lauren December 13, 2009 at 8:05 pm #

    It’s way to easy to put on a happy face and blog. Trust me, so many of us struggle more than we show. I know I do, and I certainly don’t post every little meal, snack or bite. Mostly, because I don’t want to, but partly because I am afraid that others will judge and I also fear that if I see it all laid out, I will freak out and won’t eat that much anymore.

    Keep doing what works for you and makes you happy hun! We are all behind you!

  40. chocolate pickle December 13, 2009 at 8:45 pm #

    It’s great that you can use your blog as a positive outlet! I think anyone who knows what you’re going through KNOWS that you will have good days AND bad days….some are harder than others!! Getting to where you need/want to be is NOT easy….it sounds so simple….eat more and gain weight….but the speed at which you do so and seeing changes in yourself can be straight up HARD! With such a supportive boyfriend and family, I know you’ll be successful!

    On another note, knowing others on your floor with an ED can also be hard to deal with, depending on their own recovery……..as can others’ comments as you get “healthier.” I hated people telling me I looked “better” and “healthier”….because although I wanted to be healthier, it took a long time to realize that people weren’t telling me they noticed I gained weight, but honestly thought they were complimenting me! It’s a struggle to recover and probably will be for a long time, but you’ve made some BIG strides in the right direction!!!!

  41. Ada December 13, 2009 at 8:56 pm #

    Haha I love the dreidel booty, how hilarious!

  42. The Candid RD December 13, 2009 at 8:57 pm #

    That’s fantastic!! Wisconsin is a great, school, I had a friend who went there. But of course, the Buckeyes are better! πŸ˜‰

  43. Molly December 13, 2009 at 9:29 pm #

    mmm that wrap and salad look SO good!
    I know exactly how you feel, been there…and some days I feel like I still am. and you’re right, it is freaking hard. but you’re doing awesome! Don’t give up girl, because you have come so far!
    Glad you’re enjoying wisconsin! I had a lot of friends who went there and they say it was cRaZy!
    Have a good rest of your sunday!!! πŸ™‚

  44. Katelyn December 13, 2009 at 11:39 pm #

    i really love your site, and i definitely agree that blogging in a positive tone can make your actual outlook more positive. that’s certainly the case for me.

    my break just started, and i’m planning on relaxing and accomplishing some mini goals. i hope the outpatient program you plan on doing is a good one!

  45. burpexcuzme December 14, 2009 at 12:02 am #

    Hey, recovery IS a bitch. That’s why it’s called recovery…it’s supposed to be freaking hard! Otherwise you wouldn’t be in recovery at all.
    I understand the day to day struggling. But guess what? That’s a GOOD thing…because that means you’re actually FIGHTING!

    Keep up the good fight, my dear…it’s all worth it!

  46. kris December 14, 2009 at 2:32 am #

    do not feel bad about posting your struggles! i go through them on the daily and it makes me feel MOONS better to hear other people going through it. This is not easy and sometimes you need to vent πŸ™‚

  47. dailygoods December 14, 2009 at 8:29 am #

    i loveeeeeeeeee ugly sweater parties!!!!!!!! i still have yet to go to one though! im so jealous πŸ™‚

  48. traynharder23 December 14, 2009 at 9:39 am #

    hahahi know, i get up CRAZY early. it’s so messed up!

  49. julie December 14, 2009 at 10:13 am #

    Girl keep smiling πŸ™‚ and don’t beat yourself up! You’re a whole lot stronger then you think you are so give yourself a little credit!

    That view in the caf is GORRRGY!! Lucky you πŸ™‚

  50. lillizzy December 14, 2009 at 11:33 am #

    Hey girl. Love the ugly sweater, those parties are THE best! Also, it’s ok to struggle and believe it or not, it is a huge step in admitting you ARE struggling. It will help you more to show that (and get help and support) than pretend nothing is wrong or that your feelings are ‘normal’. Trust me, I know all too well. I think it is awesome that you get to go to outpatient treatment over the holidays, it makes me soo happy that you are excited (granted-maybe nervous) about going. It seems like you have a really supportive family. Keep fightin’ girl;-)xo

  51. lowandbhold December 14, 2009 at 3:05 pm #

    First off, I LOVE your dreidel booty. That is too hilar.

    Second off, that oatmeal and that wrap look fab!

    Third off, that view is amazing! Doesn’t even look like a library!

    Fourth off, thank you for your honestly. We’re here for you know matter what.

  52. janie December 14, 2009 at 10:25 pm #

    i don’t blog, but from what i’ve read on blogs over the past year… i want to agree with what others have said, that it’s good FOR YOU to be honest, regardless of what “we” your readers think. and like others have said, that i assume people struggle way more than they write about.

    take care.

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