My Story

16 Nov

My Story

so I thought it was time that I went into a little more detail about my story because I think it will really help everyone understand why I blog/what I am going through. I also want to show people how easy it is to fall into this terrible cycle of disordered eating & how someone who seems so normal, balanced, & healthy can just take a huge turn for the worse.

This isn’t going to be my happiest post, but it is going to be an honest one & I hope it is one that you can all enjoy! Then next time I promise for a very upbeat, non-disordered eating post πŸ™‚ yayyy!

so it all started when my boyfriend who you have all heard of by now went to college last year. I had some major changes my senior year of high school in addition to his going away (i will not go into those changes becuase they are a litttle too personal) so that was hard as it is.

Around winter break, I was pretty bored and decided I would dedicate my time to just lose like 5 pounds. I decided I would give numbers, but if anyone who is reading this does not want to know & if it will trigger anything PLEASE skip this. I weighed around 130-133 and am 5’5 so by now means was i overweight, but I knew i would look great if i lost a few pounds.

here I am before I had really lost any weight

me alone

in about january/february of 2009, I started to eat healthier. I would pack lunches for school & my breakfast every day was a cup of kashi creal (usually honey sunshine), half cup of light soy milk, with half a banana, & some blueberries. lunch would be a turkey sandwich w/ light cheese & light whole grain bread, carrots, & grapes. i would usually have a fiber one bar as a snack between breakfast/lunch & then dinner was kind of up for grabs. I would also usually have an afternoon snack of apple & almonds and I worked out most days.

here is another picture of me right when I started to “diet”- still wasn’t seeing any results. this is because of my “up for grab dinners” & I wasn’t at the point in my workout routine where I was running a ton.

me and gardner dd

as I continued to diet, exercise more, and learn more about what it took to lose weight- I started to slowly see results. I started reading food blogs a LOT & i got ideas about how to eat healthier food. I would constantly look up websites about dieting, eating healthier, losing weight, etc.

I started buying things like greek yogurt & la tortilla wraps & light food and i started to restrict much more. At the same time, my running shape was vastly improving & soon running 3 miles was easy for me.

in about april, I started to notice some results. Here is a picture where i first noticed I had lost around 10 pounds.

me in pinkno one would ever have thought there was something wrong with me, but I was definitely restricting at this point. This is where I look back and think I looked the healthiest. I still had a figure but at the same time, I was a healthy & ideal weight probably for my height.

Then, somewhere things just got out of control. I think the obsession just started to take over me & soon I was limiting my food even more, never indulging, and running more (not a crazy amount, but usually around 4.5 miles 5-6 times a week). Food was always on my mind. I needed to know what I was going to eat at my next meal and I had anxiety when I would have to go out to eat or be in a situation where I didn’t know the exact calories.

In June, people started getting concerned, but still were not TOO concerned because I was still in a healthy weight range. I don’t know exactly how many calories I was eating but including calories burned from exercise, I was probably only getting around 1000-1200 a day.

me weight losspeople started making comments about the weight loss & it was no longer a subtle thing.

Throughout the summer, I kept saying that I was done losing weight. But, with each week, my weight seemed to continue to go down. I became obsessed with maintaining my weight which resulted in even more weight loss. People were starting to get concerned and my friends kept telling me I needed to stop losing.

By August, my parents were truly worried. I weighed 107, which for me was the lowest i’d ever been & so they took me to the doctor who said I needed to gain weight after doing blood work, etc.

But then I went to college. Surrounded by girls who were trying to lose weight, I found that I only continued to limit what I ate. While i was supposed to be gaining, I only continued to lose.

me redhere i probably weighed around 102. my arms and legs look weak, I just did not look myself anymore. Though I was happy, I didn’t realize that I was only harming my body, myself, my family, and Gardner by not taking proper care of myself and giving my body the nutrients it needs.

me and melissaMy mom became increasingly concerned & when she came to visit me, she weighed me and I was down to 103. She said I MUST gain weight & said that if I do not start gaining, she will have no choice but to pull me out of school second semester.

Thankfully, my weight is slowly starting to go up. I am still struggling with the concept of gaining weight, and part of me is so scared of what I will look like if I gain weight. But the other part of me knows that I need it and that if I am in the healthy weight range, even at the lower end, I will look great!

The last time my mom was here (last weekend) she weighed me and I was up to 106. She was so happy & I know I am on the right track.

Thank you so much for reading my story & helping me get through this by simply supporting me, reading my blog, & commenting. I can’t tell you how much it helps on days where I am anxious about gaining to read the extremely positive/encouraging comments you all have left me. It means the world to me to get such great support from strangers.

I’m sorry if the numbers (w/ regards to my weight) offended anyone/upset anyone. I just think it is an important part of my story & for me it helps to explain the situation.

Love you all & again I really appreciate the support! I love how this blogging community makes me feel like i’m not going through this alone

xoxoox

Shelleyβ™₯

Advertisements

44 Responses to “My Story”

  1. traynharder23 November 16, 2009 at 11:38 pm #

    thanks for sharing your story. i should do a post on my story, but it’s just so hard to recall it all…

    i’m glad you’re on the right track! =D you are not alone! NEVER!

  2. Emily (http://funnyemily.wordpress.com) November 16, 2009 at 11:39 pm #

    oh how similar our stories are, i completely understand where you are coming from. this weekend when i was around a bunch of average college girls, i realized how difficult it is to be trying to gain when all everyone talks about is needing to lose.
    you are a huge inspiration, so glad you’re here in blog world πŸ™‚ you are in no way alone

  3. Megan November 16, 2009 at 11:51 pm #

    Thanks so much for sharing your story! I’ve had some eating problems in the past too and I’m still trying to get over them mentally and emotionally and it’s nice to hear that there are other people out there going through the same thing.. we’re all here for you if you ever need any help or need someone to talk to.. love you!

  4. kbwood November 17, 2009 at 12:06 am #

    girl-thank you for the honest post..that sounds almost identical to my story..it all started with just “5 or 6 pounds” .. i am 5’5 as well and i got down REALLY low but with the help of the Lord and my parents..I got up to 110 very fast and then eventually 113 for a little bit but last year, my freshman year, i started to fall back into the vicious cycle and lost about 5 pounds..my parents did the same and got worried..they didnt want me to struggle so badly again so i gained it back, its SO worth it to be healthy girl..ive been maintaining 114-115 since August and although i would LIKE to gain a few more pounds, i FEEL so much better..i have so much more energy and the more we lose, the more ED tries to kick us when we are down..girl…you CAN get up to a healthy weight like me..nobody even realizes ive gained any..its so worth it..please email me if you need anything! πŸ™‚ and you are incredibly beautiful!

  5. italyology November 17, 2009 at 12:47 am #

    Thanks for Sharing your story! you sound like your right on track:)
    Love your honesty girl! have a wonderful evening

  6. Rachel November 17, 2009 at 1:38 am #

    Thanks for sharing, sweetie. It does seem to start with “I can lose a little weight”…and then it just doesn’t stop. 😦 You’re a lovely, beautiful girl, and I know that you can beat this. Stay strong, sweetheart!

  7. julia November 17, 2009 at 3:53 am #

    I recognize a lot…
    Let me say you look GORGEOUS, so beautiful in those first ‘healthy pictures’. I hope you continue to fight and get back to a healthy weight and don’t have to think about eating anymore than others…It’s worth it, you’re worth it!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  8. crazylittlethingneela November 17, 2009 at 4:20 am #

    it’s a long road regaining your health back sweetie but in the end you get the most precious gift of them all, the gift of life!
    we are all here to support you and a girl as lovely as you does not need an ED in here life. you deserve so much better
    xoxo

  9. Lexi November 17, 2009 at 4:45 am #

    thank you for sharing your story. mine is very similar. i’m so glad we “met” in the blog world. i’m here whenever you need someone to talk to!
    love,
    lexi πŸ™‚

  10. Naomi (onefitfoodie) November 17, 2009 at 5:24 am #

    girl, thank you for being so honest in your post…you have come such a long way to where you are today and are so beautiful!

    You are on the right track and so happy that you knwo exactly what you need to get to that healthy place

    xoxo

  11. ~Jessica~ November 17, 2009 at 5:38 am #

    Sharing your story was such a brave decision and I think sometimes it is important to include numbers to give a sense of progress and perspective. If people want to be triggered, such information can be found anywhere online with relative ease so you shouldn’t feel guilty or the need to censor what you post.

    I think a lot of people will relate to most (if not all) of what you have said, particularly the trap of being desperate to maintain and so afraid of gaining that you end up losing, then become terrified of not maintaining the new, lower weight, etc and get trapped in the destructive cycle of going lower and lower. It took huge strength to break out of that cycle and I wish you well with all aspects of your recovery.

    I believe in you!

    ❀

    xoxoxo

  12. StartingHealthy November 17, 2009 at 7:12 am #

    Good luck with your future recovery and congrats on how far you’ve come!

  13. Abby November 17, 2009 at 7:59 am #

    Our stories sound very similar, (although mine is a little bit more extensive,) so I can relate to a lot of this post and commend you for your honesty!

    It’s great that you have people looking out for you and keeping you accountable, as you don’t want to look back at your college years and only remember the runs you took and the food you didn’t eat. Stay strong, and we’re all fighting with you every. single. day. (at least I am) πŸ™‚

  14. Ada November 17, 2009 at 8:43 am #

    Wow, thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you are working towards becoming healthier and I hope you continue to do so:)

  15. blueeyedheart November 17, 2009 at 8:57 am #

    Thanks for sharing your story πŸ™‚ I know it can be hard to recall all of it! Keep working hard at becoming healthy, because you deserve it.

    ❀ ❀

  16. rebecca lustig November 17, 2009 at 9:04 am #

    Like these other lovely ladies have said, I appreciate your honesty and openness. I know how difficult it can be to share the truth, especially when we’re in denial for the majority of our ED. I also know we all share similar stories or at least can relate one way or another. That’s why I’ve found such comfort through blogging– because I know there are others out there who ‘get me’.

    You are a young, talented, beautiful and loved young lady who has her entire life ahead of her. I am confident you will beat ED and do amazing things with your life. And until then, just know I (and these girls) will always be here for you.

    Tons of love,
    becca xo

  17. solclare November 17, 2009 at 9:45 am #

    Aww don’t feel sorry at all! It’s nice to share it out.

    Take care babe! xoxo

  18. maya November 17, 2009 at 11:23 am #

    thank you lovely girl for sharing so much, it was so wonderful and heart felt to read, seems like you have gone through a lot in not that long of a time..but i am so so proud that you are kicking this now! and you seem to have such a strong brave soul, and so determined and aware…its wonderful. and you will look more and more beautiful with health gained!

    i know for me, i wish i didnt let things get so bad so many times, too many IP and hospitals, and it just fueled my ed. to many relapses..i want to be able to go away to school in the fall, i had to take this whole year off bc of my weight and health etc..:(

    as this has been 3 years now…its all a journey i have learned…. with many bumps along the way, but we CAN get there!!
    and i know and believe you can get back to a healthier range! healthier mind-set and happier carefree and beautiful Shelly

    i am right here with you girly! we can do this and be happy and healthy! i am always here!

    “and part of me is so scared of what I will look like if I gain weight. But the other part of me knows that I need it and that if I am in the healthy weight range, even at the lower end, I will look great! ”
    -that was amazing, and just what i try to tell myself too! πŸ™‚

    love you
    ~maya

  19. kelly November 17, 2009 at 11:36 am #

    hey, first off thank u for ur post and for being so honest. i too am struggling but seeing u do it is soo encouraging. jw, are u following a meal plan? what does it look like? i dont c a nutr so i need major help!!! lol
    btw, u r beautiful and will only get more gorgeous as u find health!
    kelly

  20. One Healthy Apple November 17, 2009 at 12:43 pm #

    I think this is a great post and it’s so brave of you to post it! I have had mild slumps into disordered eating in my past and although I think I am past it, it’s so easy to fall back into it and get those poor thoughts. I was never at dangerously low weight levels, but I lost my strength and that part sucked.

    You have such a beautiful smile and you look gorgeous at all your weights- add health to that and you’ll be a rockstar! Good luck with your journey and keep smiling!

  21. Kasondra November 17, 2009 at 12:50 pm #

    WOW Shelly! fantastic story. I think we can all relate to you. I know I sure can. Writing your story is very difficult! great job! You have a great blog too! Thank you very much for sharing with me!

    XOXO love
    Kasondra

  22. sarahdbelle November 17, 2009 at 12:55 pm #

    Shelley,
    I’m so glad that you posted this post. My ed started out exactly the same way, and it’s really important for girls and women to realize there is a fine line between dieting and obsession.
    You look absolutely gorgeous in the first few “healthy” pictures. You’re glowing. And I hope that gives you the courage to keep going with your recovery.
    I know you can do it!
    Lots and lots of love.
    Sarah

  23. Trainerpack November 17, 2009 at 1:04 pm #

    You are on the right track now!
    Excellent!

  24. MelissaNibbles November 17, 2009 at 1:37 pm #

    Shelley,
    Thank you for sharing your story. I know it must not have been easy to put out there for the world to read. You’re a strong young woman and are making tremendous strides in recovery. I admire your strength and honesty. I’ve learned so much from other bloggers, don’t be afraid to turn to them for encouragement πŸ™‚
    Have a great day!

  25. Kris | iheartwellness.com November 17, 2009 at 1:49 pm #

    Love, this is a great post! You are so strong and so beautiful! I am very happy we have connected, you are an inspiration to us all!

    Enjoy your day!
    XXOO
    Kris

  26. mayapamela November 17, 2009 at 3:10 pm #

    It was so hard for me to write a personal post yesterday, and it was nowhere near as detailed as yours. That must have taken a lot of courage to write, thanks for sharing your story! I hope the blog world continues to help your recovery.

    Thank you also for your wonderful comments on my blog!

  27. Lyss November 17, 2009 at 3:43 pm #

    you’re so brave for sharing your story… it’s a story a LOT of us can relate to, so just know that you’re not alone! xoxo

  28. Allie (Live Laugh Eat) November 17, 2009 at 5:02 pm #

    Wow thanks for sharing your story. It must have taken a lot of courage to write it all out and I’m proud of you. It sounds pretty similar to mine. I’m glad you’re on the right path to happiness and health πŸ™‚

  29. homecookedem November 17, 2009 at 5:17 pm #

    By sharing your story, you are helping others. Thank you for your honesty and courage… I know it’s not easy! So much of your story sounds very similar to how I was 3 summers ago. I didn’t get as small as you, but I restricted and never indulged and finally my husband (boyfriend at the time) stepped in and told me I needed to change. I’m so glad I did and even though now I’m overweight (due to some hormonal problems), I can tell you that I have SUCH a great relationship with food. It is possible and you will get there and we will all be cheering you on along the way!! πŸ™‚

  30. katie November 17, 2009 at 5:38 pm #

    I enjoyed reading your story, and you should be really proud of yourself and Im sure posting this made you feel good too, its good to open up , and you have alot o support!!!! Keep it up girl!!!! Have a great week!!! xoxo

  31. candice November 17, 2009 at 6:56 pm #

    Thank you for sharing your story, Shelley. Heh, mine’s pretty similar to yours, actually. Just wanted to lose a few pounds, but then… eh, though it never had the chance to progress to an extreme (thank goodness). I know that the idea of gaining weight just seems so scary and foreign after you’ve only tried to lose or maintain for so long, but you WILL accept it eventually, especially once you realize that you’ll look beautiful no matter what weight you are! Keep it up! πŸ™‚ We’ll be here supporting you—we can all relate in one way or another!

  32. poiseinparma November 17, 2009 at 7:52 pm #

    I understand your worry about the concept of gaining weight after fighting so hard to lose it. After losing 120 pounds, any day where I weigh one pound more than the day before becomes “a fat day”, which is a ridiculous way to live your life. That’s the exact reason that my scale is now hidden in my house!

    You are incredibly brave to be so honest. Know that you have a lot of support out here in blog land!

  33. katie November 17, 2009 at 7:52 pm #

    thanks for the kind words!!! lol yeah I had to give him options, i am addicted to Uggs!!! xoxo

  34. lowandbhold November 17, 2009 at 7:54 pm #

    Honey, thanks for your honesty. I’m so happy that you are recovering and putting weight on. You were so gorgeous in that first picture, and even though I know what it’s like to strive for a certain weight, just know that you are absolutely stunning! I am here for you girl.

  35. blueberrymuffins November 17, 2009 at 7:57 pm #

    Thanks for sharing your story πŸ™‚ I can’t wait to read more of your blog!

  36. Ali November 17, 2009 at 8:05 pm #

    i’m so glad I found your blog! your story is super inspiring, I know you can do it girlll!

  37. nattietan November 17, 2009 at 8:31 pm #

    Hun, it’s so brave of you to share your story! It really shows how determined you are to lead a life that you truly deserve and I know that you are definitely on the right track! You are stunning, even more so when you were healthy so don’t be afraid (easier said than done I know). =) You have so much to live for and you have such amazing people in your life who love you because of who you are!

    xx

  38. lora November 17, 2009 at 11:04 pm #

    thanks for sharing my beautiful lil sea shell πŸ˜‰

    its so interesting how girls or guys spiral into a cycle where the only way to breakout from it, is from an intervention–its like once you become so thin, your mind doesn’t see thin anymore…its because your brain is getting fed, and therefore cannot think rationally. Its so weird looking back on my sophomore year and seeing pics where my face was so hollow and I was unhappy. I am so glad that I got past it, and can now enjoy a bottle of wine (in moderation of course) and dance the night away without worrying about the gym or late night eating. Ya know how people talk about happy weights? Well I think I prefer the term “happy place” more, because this is the place in your life where you are truly happy with yourself, your surroundings etc…I dont think we get to a happy weight when our weight stabilizes, I think we get to the happy weight, when we get to our happy place and we no longer worry about calories and scales anymore…whew, make sense? i hope so, I am about to crash on my computer now bc im so tired…but i wanted to comment and let u know that i love your comments and your sincerity and you have a wonderful spirit! have a beautiful wednesday and remember that life can take us ANYWHERE.

    with love, kisses and hopeful wishes,

    Lolo

  39. Anna November 17, 2009 at 11:57 pm #

    When I was going through the recovery process, my nutritionist, therapist, and doctor all told me I am not in this alone and that SO many people go through the same thing. I had no idea that that could ever be true; however, reading your story I completely relate. I feel like I went through the EXACT same thing. Best of luck on your journey; being so honest with us and telling your story, I know your intent to beat this is true and from the heart. And remember, we are all here for you!

  40. burpexcuzme November 18, 2009 at 12:48 am #

    Dear Shelley,
    Thank you so much for sharing! I’m so glad you have woken up and are on the right track right now! And I’m glad you have a supportive, yet firm mother who can keep you on track.

    This battle is a tough one. Your way to disordered eating was a slow and gradual one, so your way out will be progressive, too. But keep on fighting. Recovery is totally worth it.

    And as for numbers: don’t think abt that too much. Instead, focus on your MENTAL recovery. you can gain weight eating all your “safe” foods, but that doesn’t mean you’ve recovered. Recovery means being able to release all forms of anxieties, disordered habits, and control over food and weight. So keep on challenging yourself to step out of our comfort zone, and you CAN DO IT!

  41. Lizzy November 18, 2009 at 8:59 am #

    Thanks for sharing your story shelly! So proud that your getting on the right track! πŸ™‚

    http://saladdiva.wordpress.com

  42. Missy Maintains November 18, 2009 at 2:49 pm #

    Thank you for being so honest and sharing your story! I am so happy you are on the right track. I know you can do it. We are all here for you!

  43. Angie November 19, 2009 at 12:29 am #

    Thank you for sharing your story. That was very brave of you.
    Best of luck on your journey to good health.

  44. janie November 29, 2009 at 3:04 am #

    hey, just found your blog from another. thanks for sharing your story in such an honest (brave!) way. that takes guts. i have a similar history to you, so reading this was relatable. i hope you can nip this in the bud and get help on your own before it takes more time out of your life, you know?? xxoxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: