So here it is!!!!!

Thanks guys, I love you all

I need to make more time for blogging because it really does do so much for me but I’ve been a busy little bee. I had to move out of my summer apartment (all by myself for that matter), spend the next 4 nights “homeless” (staying at my boyfriend’s place and a friend’s),  go home for only a WEEK during which I took my baby sister to college (WTF), and then move into my sorority and start rush practice and rush… sooo yeah, clearly blogging had to take the back seat.

I’d like to use this post to reflect on this summer. When I started the summer, I had a few goals in mind. I wanted to regain a balance with my eating, meaning no bingeing, no restricting, and roughly following the meal plan that my nutritionist provided me with. I was hoping all of this would come fairly easily and the weight I had gained would come off. Unfortunately, I didn’t lose the weight I wanted to and the bingeing and restricting didn’t stop quickly like I had hoped it would. There was a point at the end of the summer where I felt defeated and to be honest, sort of pathetic. How could I have such trouble with something thatseems so simple.

[skip this next paragraph if you don't care about my philosophy about what food should be hahah]

Really though! When you think about it, eating is a survival mechanism. Food is something that our society has turned into more of a pleasure or luxury than a survival mechanism. I wish we viewed eating as something that we need to do instead of something we love to do. That might sound stupid but life is full of soooo many things and sometimes I wish food was just something to eat so that we are able to have energy to go on with the rest of our day/lives. Obviously, that is what it does for us but the way we view food in general contributes to how complicated eating has become for many of us. Wow that was a confusing paragraph..*tharrry* (Gilly voice)

Sorry for that tangent… My point is that I did feel angry at myself for letting food become such a complicated issue for me. But to my surprise, I came to a realization at the end of the summer that I hadn’t completely failed those past few months, and that I actually made tremendous progress. No, I didn’t immediately stop bingeing/restricting and no I didn’t lose weight like I had hoped to. But I DID make huge progress in ways that I wasn’t able to see until now.

“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience. “Victoria Holt.”

This summer, I did some serious thinking…. Ok fine, I always tend to overthink and analyze situations, but this summer I focused on getting to the core of why I was engaging in these behaviors and what was truly at the root of the problem. I was the girl who was convinced her eating disorder was only a result of physical desires but the reality is that there is SO much more to it than that. By finally admitting that to myself, I have been able to identify what situations tend to trigger behaviors and what I can do to prevent them.

Also, I decided to become a pescatarian. I am the last person to want a label, and I will never restrain myself from eating meat if I feel a strong desire to, but I’ve been toying with the idea for a while and realized I actually don’t like eating meat. I don’t like chicken or steak anymore and I always just feel wrong eating it for ethical reasons. I feel like becoming a pescatarian is perfectly healthy for me because I’m educated about nutrition. Also, it truly has nothing to do with my eating disorder. I know that eating meat is healthy and I don’t judge anyone else for doing so because I did for so long! Since making this decision, I have had a healthier approach to food than I’ve evr had. I’ve been able to look at food as nutrition that I NEED to have energy and look healthy and I’m more concerned with getting in the nutrients I need than eating the lowest amount of calories possible.

There were a good 2 weeks where I was doing SO well. I felt like it wastoo good to be true and I was practically waiting for a slip-up… and yes a slip-up happened as a result of long days because of rush. But the difference is, instead of beating myself up and freaking out, I am choosing to realize that I messed up when I was stressed, and now I’m going to go back to how I was before. It doesn’t seem impossible like it used to, and I don’t feel anxious about it.

Most importantly, I feel like I’m finally starting to figure out who I am. I believe a huge part of my eating disorder stemmed from being unsure of where I fit and who I am, but I’m finally starting to realize what I care about and what my passions are. It feels absolutely amazing. I will definitely be posting more about this soon…

For once, I feel like I’m actually close to finding that balance.

So I hope you’ll stick with me as this crazy, unpredictable journey continues…. There are bound to be bumps in the road, but I know this time around that I am going to have some great things to write about, and hopefully some helpful posts for the people who happen to read this little blog of mine

I love you all so much!

Gardner and I were together throughout huge transition periods in both of our lives. We went through a lot: a long-distance relationship (he’s a year older and went to school 1000 miles away), me being forced to switch high schools my senior year, my eating disorder, and more. Obviously this was a lot for a couple people our age to handle. I’m saying all this beause I want you all to understand how serious the relationship was and why I truly do think I have some perspective on how to get over a relationship. I didn’t handle the break-up perfectly whatsoever, but now, over a year later, I have a pretty good sense of what I did right and what I did wrong. I’ve come up with a few pointers that I think are really helpful. It is also something I want to share because I do think that my bingeing and ongoing eating disorder has had a lot to do with my inability to face my emotions, but now that I know that it is much easier to control the symptoms.

8 Tips on Handling a Break-up

1. Don’t hide from your emotions. After any relationship ends, It Is completely normal (and HUMAN) to feel a huuuuge range of emotions (angry, sad, confused, lonely, hurt, I could really go on forever). The worst thing you can do is to avoid them… I can tell you that from experience. I tried SO hard to pretend like I didn’t care but it only ended up hurting me in the end. In reality, I felt best the few times that I did allow myself to be upset or angry.

2. Accept that it is over. Although there is always a chance that you will get back together, I think it is so important to treat a break-up like a break-up. Don’t spend your time wondering if you two iwll get back together or thinking of what you can do to change the situation. Instead, accept that there are obviously reasons that it ended and accept that you have to move on. If it is meant to be, I truly think it will be and I also believe the only way to truly know if you REALLY want to be with someone is to let yourself move on and see how life is without them for a while

3. Ask him (or her) as many questions as you need to. I personally know that I was so confused after the break-up. I had so many questions I felt needed to be answered and at first I avoided asking them because I thought it would show weakness. I changed my mind when my mom gave me great advice- she said, don’t kill yourself over not talking to him (or something like that). The truth of the matter is, after such a long relationship, I deserved to talk to him If I needed to. I’m not saying that you should bug your ex 24/7 after a break-up, but if you can’t get something off your mind, It Is perfectly ok to ask and talk to him as needed.

4. Cry. This kind of goes with the whole don’t be afraid of your emotions thing but I think one of the worst things to do after a break-up is not let yourself cry. Crying really can help you feel better (reminds me of a cheeeesy song I used to listen to when I was a little kid). I think it helps to give yourself time to be as emotional as you want, but then to move on with your day. Not in the sense that you are masking your emotions, but in the sense that you are able to fully be a part of your other activities (and be fun to be around for that matter) since you have already gotten out a lot your emotions.

5. Try new things and take advantage of the things you may not have done as much while in the relationship. I know that I was personally really excited to spend more time with my friends after the break-up. Take this time to get to know your friends better and maybe pick up some new or old hobby that you can spend your free time on. As amazing as relationships can be, there are also so many pluses to being single (especially when you’re young or in college!)

6. Learn to love yourself and love being with yourself. Admittedly, my relationship (and Gardner) was a safety net for me. I could always count on him to make me feel good about myself and although I am still so thankful to him for that, I now realize the importance of being able to feel good about myself on my own. Of course your significant other should make you feel good about yourself, but it shouldn’t be the main source of your confidence. I think it is so true when people say you can’t truly love someone unless you love yourself first.

7. Find people to confide in. It helps so much to talk about what you are going through. I am definitely not someone who likes to put my problems on other people, but you should be able to find a couple people to help support you through this. I can’t even tell you how much my friends helped me after Gardner and I broke up. Writing about it also really helps (even writing a letter to your ex that you never plan on sending can be a great release).

8. Go out. Staying home and moping will never help. Don’t force yourself to move on when you aren’t ready to, but do go out and meet people and spend time with your friends. It truly does help!

Honestly, break-ups are incredibly difficult and the only real remedy is time. But I honestly think that if you approach it in the right way, you can learn a lot about yourself and about relationships in general.

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.”~Veronica A. Shoffstall

Hope this is something you enjoyed reading! 

]]> http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com/2011/08/08/tips-for-dealing-with-a-break-up/feed/ 16 Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) brokenheart_large 27C4F905C0DB3C71D769F9CAC4C0E49E http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com/2011/08/06/feeling-zen/ http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com/2011/08/06/feeling-zen/#comments Sun, 07 Aug 2011 03:16:51 +0000 Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth) http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com/?p=1805 ]]> I can’t believe I haven’t posted for so long! I really thought I was ready to get back into the swing of things…but clearly I was not! I think the problem is that I put such an all-or-nothing label to blogging so if I don’t think I can do it on a regular basis, I’d rather not do it at all. Instead, I’m going to try to do it when I have time and not worry about when I’m going to have time to post next.

I truly do plan on posting very soon about how things are going in recovery/life/etc. but this post is just about a small new addition to my life.

And of course I do have a couple meals to show you…

That is a salad mess with sour cream, guac, salsa, turkey, arizona heat mustard & yogurt ranch dressing. The “chips” are simply a baked tortilla!! Super easy & really delicious.This was a delicious stir-fry- whole wheat rigatoni, garlic chicken sausage, olive oil, and veggies.

So not to get all zen on you guys (but I am), but I wanted to tell you all about something i’ve recently gotten into…

Meditation

This summer I’m working as a research assistant in a psych lab that studies meditation and its effects on the brain. If you’re interested, you can check it out here. I’ve taken a class on relaxation which incorporated meditation too. Still, I’ve never really considered doing it on a regular basis. I didn’t think it was something that was important enough for me to do on a regular basis or make time for until this summer.

I have been having some trouble sleeping and I googled what I could do to fix my problem. One of the ideas was meditation and instead of ignoring it, I gave it a second thought. Since then, I’ve been doing it at least once a day. There are a lot of different types of meditation but the ones I’ve been doing are simple guided meditations I find on youtube or itunes for free. I’ve done loving kindness meditation and ones that are about building self-esteem.

The benefits of meditation are endless, but so far I can see a few ways that I have benefited. For one, it helps me relax so that I am able to sleep easier (which was my issue in the first place). Second, when I do it first thing in the morning it really helps me set my mood for the day and approach the day with a more positive attitude. Lastly, I have noticed that my dreams have been much more vivid since I’ve started meditating. I’m not sure if meditation is the cause of this, but it definitely seems like it could be.

It’s amazing that something like meditation can make such a difference. I tend to be a fairly anxious person so meditating can be a challenge but it has definitely   made me more aware of my day-to-day stressors. It helps me relax.

Obviously, I’d highly recommend giving it a try It might seem stupid at first but after some practice (it takes time!!!) it really does great things!

Here are a few links for ya if you’re interested in trying

A little explanation about meditating

Til next time!

I’m in the mood for a positive post today.

Over the past couple years, I have reflected so much that I think I reflect in my sleep. I over-analyze EVERYTHING and I feel like I’m a hypersensitive person and overly aware of other people’s emotions and intentions. It drives me crazy sometimes (and my friends…) but I have to say that some of the reflection has really given me a new perspective on life.

I don’t necessarily believe that “everything happens for a reason” but I do believe that everything that happens can teach you something. My eating disorder is a pain in the ass… I’m not going to deny that. It has taken away a lot from me and changed me. But there are plenty of good things that came from it too. This post is about why i’m thankful for my eating disorder and what I’ve learned/how I’ve changed for the better from it. I don’t think this is something that people talk about often…. because let’s be honest, they are horrible. The thing is, I recognize that I have taken away good things from it and i’d love to share those with you.

1. I feel more compassionate for others. I used to make a lot of assumptions about people. I didn’t realize how judgmental I was about so many things, but I didn’t have the perspective to act otherwise. For example, I do think I judged people who are obese. I didn’t realize that obesity can be an actual disease and not necessarily a choice someone makes. After my eating disorder, I know how it feels to be judged and misunderstood, and I honestly think that I am a lot more understanding, sympathetic, and caring because of it. Sometimes I may be too compassionate to be honest – but I am really thankful I have gained this perspective.

2. I truly appreciate health. I didn’t have any real health issues before my eating disorder. When I was underweight, my hair thinned, my energy decreased, I had no emotions, my bloodwork was off, I was constantly cold, and I looked kind of sickly. Even though i’m not thrilled with how I look now, I know that I am healthy and I feel so lucky to be healthy. I am starting to realize that food is a wonderful thing- it makes you glow, it keeps you warm, it helps you grow, and it just does wonders for your body when you eat nutritiously.

3. I am knowledgeable about food and exercise. Sometimes all the knowledge I have gained about food and exercise drives me crazy, but I have to say that I am glad I am educated on these things because they are really important long-term. I have learned that nutrition and exercise are important, but aren’t meant to be abused. Finding that balance is hard, but my knowledge is going to help me reach that point. When I’m eating regularly (not starving or bingeing) I now truly crave healthy foods and that feels amazing.

4. I know when to ask for help. I used to be really against asking for help, but now that I realize how helpful therapy can be, I feel a lot more willing to reach out when I know things aren’t going right. I think so many people are too stubborn to seek out help, but it can make such a difference.

5. I have learned to take care of myself. Although this has taken a while and I am not 100% there yet, I’ve learned that sometimes you just have to put yourself first. I have always been so worried about what others think but living my life like that just isn’t fun. I realize that i’m my own person so I may have different needs from my friends… and that’s okay. I have started to try to listen to my self and my body and do things that I want to do. That may mean going out with my friends to drink and staying up til 4 am or it may mean staying in even when everyone else is going out.

So there ya have it The things i’ve gained from my eating disorder.. and i’m sure there are more that i’m forgetting!

Question- Have you dealt with something difficult but feel like you’ve learned a lot from it? Have any advice you want to share?

’til next time!

you guys, this stuff is legit. It is sooo soft & creamy and it tastes soo similar to strawberry ice cream, but with more of a yogurty taste which is amazing if you like frozen yogurt. Also doesn’t hurt that the nutritional facts are AMAZING

In love with this. They have a couple other fruit flavors but next time I’m def buying the original… this prob won’t last me long anyways haha.

My other food pictures aren’t the prettiest, but I’ll post them anywayssss

I treated myself to a kombucha– i love it so much. I threw together a salad with a chili lime chicken burger from trader joe’s (SOO GOOOD) and guacamole hummus (literally finished it in 3.5 days), mozzarella and annie’s lite honey mustard. Really filling/good meal

I made a quick tuna melt mixed with this amazing dip called Green Goddess Dip from whole foods and some mustard and muenster cheese.

this dip is soooooo so good.

this is a REALLY ugly but delicious breakfast- oat bran, greek yogurt (trader joe’s), cinnamon, banana, and BARNEY BUTTER (they had individual packets at whole foods.. another reason to love it).

EDIT- I am writing 20 minutes later and I realized I can order it on this madtownmunchies website to my apartment! I am ecstatic..and kind of creepily obsessed. hahah.

♥♥♥♥
I wanted to talk about my relationship with fitness. I got a couple questions about my workout regimen and it got me thinking about how I view working out and how it has changed for me over the years. I think I really am at the healthiest place i’ve ever been with exercise and I can’t tell you how good it feels.

When I was growing up, I actually loathed exercise. I played sports but I dreaded the conditioning and running that came along with it.

When I chose to begin exercising more to “lose a few pounds” I started to realize I was capable of being in good shape. I became addicted to how long or how fast I could run, and after a while nothing became good enough. I was miserable if I missed a day at the gym. Looking back is weird because it seems like so long ago now, when in reality this mentality ended somewhat recently. I didn’t want to admit I was obsessed with exercise and that it was unhealthy because I felt so “healthy” and I felt like I was on some higher level because I exercised so much (yeaahhh i’ll admit it!!).

When I realized I had to gain weight, I had to stop exercising. I thought this was the END of the world and I was sure I would balloon up instantly. This wasn’t the case whatsoever.. not. even. close. I gained weight very gradually, and at one point my eating disorder voice realized that if I wanted to restrict my food, I could probably lose weight again (of course I didn’t). This definitely helped me get over my exercise addiction because I realized that exercise didn’t have all this control over myself and my body.

At first incorporating exercise was weird and started to feel sort of addictive but now I am exercising longer than before…. but I am approaching it in a COMPLETELY different way. I no longer feel the compulsion to run if i’m tired and I don’t feel like I have to follow some strict and rigid schedule. If i’m busy on a day I planned to work out, I don’t feel anxious anymore. Exercise doesn’t dictate my schedule and my life (sounds dramatic but it was kind of a reality). I honestly feel like I finally have a healthy relationship with exercise (still workin on food..) and it feels AMAZING. I’ve already tried kickboxing, yoga & strength classes this summer and i’m loving finding variety in my workouts. I’ve also had some long walks with a little running with a friend and it was a great workout but it didn’t even feel like one.

Basically, exercise has been my best friend, my biggest enemy, and my abusive boyfriend. I think i’ve finally made peace with exercise and it feels soo good.

What is your relationship with exercise like?

(belated I guess)

First, thank you guys sooo much for all the support in response to my last post. I know so many of you can relate, and even if you can’t, your comments makes me feel so much better. I know that everything i’m going through will make me stronger, and I have already learned so much of myself in the past couple years as a result of my eating disorder.

My last post was really hard for me to write, but I felt so relieved that I did because it meant that I was saying yes to myself. I was saying yes to doing something that I knew would make happier.

 I’ve always been someone who has a really hard time saying yes to myself- I say yes to everyone else but for some reason, I have the hardest time doing things for myself.

summer, one of my main priorities is to start saying yes to the things I need, and no to the things I don’t. I’m sick of worrying so much about other people and not enough about myself. I’m always so concerned with my friends or other people, and how they feel or what they think, but I forget to sit back and think about how I feel.

So I guess i’m just trying ot say thatit’s ok to say yes to yourself!

Say yes to a healthy meal that you took some time to make.. [baked sweet potato rounds, chicken hotdog, broccoli & Trader Joe's guacamole hummus..so good]

say yes  to a nap when you know you need some more sleep…

say yes to a night out with your friends

Say yes to ice cream when you want it! (or froyo.. both work for me haha).. cookies n cream from graeter’s is my fav or plain tart froyo

say yes to jello shots

I think you guys get it…

In this whole process of recovering from my eating disorder and figuring out who I really am [ya know, deep stuff like that], knowing when to say yes to is tricky. I’m working on figuring out what I want versus what I think I should do (does that make any sense?). I’m starting to get a little more in tune with myself, but it definitely isn’t easy.

Sometimes I want to go out with my friends and just let go of being “healthy” for a day, while other times I want nothing more than to curl up on my couch, watch a movie, workout, and relax all day… and i’m finally starting to understand that both are ok. There is never a “right” thing to do in these types of situations, and when it comes down to it I realize that ill be happiest if I listen to my body and do what I feel like doing. Make sense?

Anyways, i’m off to bed… last week of my summer class tomorrow.

love youuuu

To start, I’ve been hesitant to blog because sharing struggles is always a lot more difficult than sharing the victories.

In my recent post What You’ve Missed, I gave you guys a small idea of what my reovery has been like, but I left it very open-ended. I have been particularly nervous to share my struggles now that I have told my friends at school about my blog, but I also realized that the struggles i’ve shared throughout my blog have been the most helpful posts to me in my recovery. Something about being completely raw and honest is so relieving and freeing.

Anyways, Last summer I remember I posted a couple times about binge /over-eating episodes followed by restrictions and my confusion about these behaviors. I wish I would have looked into them more, because instead of dealing with the reasons behind the binging, I decided to just assume it was a normal part of recovery and that it would stop. This led to an escalation of the behaviors which ultimately got me towhere I am now.

I’ve been so scared to introduce my new issues with eating because I feel like there is a stigma attached to overeating as opposed to undereating. Unfortunately, my reality has become overeating and i’ve decided today not to be ashamed of it any more. My overeating is a RESULT of my undereating and it is my eating disorder telling me that undereating is an ok behavior (and therefore appropriate to talk about) but overeating is not- the truth is, neither are ok but both are real problems that a lot of people deal with.

Realistically- it makes sense. I wouldn’t touch dessert or any food that isn’t “healthy” for that matter when I was restricting. I convinced myself that I didn’t like those foods, when the truth is I was terrified of touching them because I knew how delicious they would taste to me. I had trained myself to avoid them. When I first started allowing myself some exposure to these foods, I felt that I had no control. I was left wanting more, even if I had an adequate portion size. At the same time, my lifestyle at school doesn’t allow for much self control, especially when drinking/partying is in the picture. Bingeing became something I no longer could control/make up for through periods of restriction after and eventually, the weight started to pile on. Now, i’m at the highest weight i’ve ever been. I’m not overweight and I hope me saying this all doesn’t trigger anyone, but I know that my weight right now is not my natural weight. It isn’t the weight i’d be at if I was able to eat more intuitively.

I want to use my blog now to document my progress with bingeing. I’ve been SOOO hesitant to bring this up but I know that this is what I need to do to help me with my recovery again. I am starting to realize my behaviors have a lot more depth than the want to be thin and i’d love to share with you all my ideas on that. When I was gaining weight, blogging about my obstacles helped me so much and now I need to be true to myself and use this as a place for my recovery… even if it isn’t anorexia this time.

Since coming back to school, i’ve been doing SO MUCH BETTER. The binges have decreased a lot and even though i’ve had some slip-ups, I feel like i’m on the right track. the reason I needed a new meal plan was to keep me on track and to keep me eating enough throughout the day so I don’t binge. I’m struggling with eating the right amount on my meal plan in fear of a binge, when in reality under-eating is the cause of it.  I hope to use this as a place for someaccountability, hope, and support.  

I’m also going to share other random things because obviously these struggles are only a small portion of my everyday life

Like some of the delicious things i’ve been eating..

Birthday Brunch at Original House of Pancakes

turkey wrap with avocado and laughing cow

TJ’s chili lime chicken burger with a salad

salad with avocado, ranch, cheese, & turkey

Anyways, I just went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 with one of my best friends. It was amaaaaaaaazing!!!! Hopefully i’ll post tomorrow about it (i’m slightly obsessed with kung fu panda…. not gonna lie)

Questions

1) What’s your favorite dreamworks/pixar film?? mines obviously kung fu panda…

2) Have you ever dealt with overeating/binging? How do you control it?

LOVE YOUUUU

Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen

I love this youtube video. One of my friends showed it to me randomly a while ago and at first I laughed but after a while it really grew on me. It’s really simple but so true! Definitely worth watching

Be back with a longer post soon!

This summer I’m living in an apartment for the first time. I’ve lived in a dorm and in a sorority, so this is my first time having the ability to cook for myself in a real kitchen. Even though my best friend/roommate laughs at me for some of my cooking skills (a little bit of a newbie), I think I’ve whipped up some yummy things. The thing is, sometimes I just want to make the easiest and quickest things meal possible when i’m feeilng tired/lazy..

I still am out of the habit of taking pictures, but here’s a couple super easy meals that I’ve made (not the prettiest pictures, I know).

Tortilla pizza!

to make this I took a whole wheat tortilla, stuck it into the oven at 425 for 2 minutes, spread on tomato sauce, feta cheese, & veggies, & then stuck it back in for about 7 minutes… & viola- delicious!

another easy go-to of mine…

Big Salad

this one had a bruschetta veggie burger, garlic hummus, yogurt ranch dressing, and a whole wheat tortilla. I like how you can make a million different kinds of salads.

& one more easy and DELICIOUSSS meal…

“Healthy” Fried Rice

I cooked the brown rice on the side first. Then I sautéed some garlic and onions, and added the rest of the veggies and shrimp in soy sauce, oil, & some seasoning. I also cooked an egg white and scrambled it in. Then I added the cooked rice and stirred it al together- super easy & super delicious!

Questions: What are some of your go-to easy and quick recipes? I need some ideas!!!

PS- one of my best friend Jamey just started a HILARIOUS blog, you guys have to check it out when you get the chance. Hint) if you like harry potter, fashion, politics, or cats you’ll prob like this blog…

here’s a picture from my weekend too!

PPS- we actually DIDN’T mean to all wear blue… hahaha & the girl (Jamey) in the black pants is the one whose blog I told you about!